Swipe of Fate

Chapter 11

He looked away, appearing more forlorn than I had seen him in a while. I held his hands, tugging a little on his bright yellow shirt's sleeves. "Hey, talk to me, Ethan," I said kindly, eyes and ears wide open for the truth (that he really did care about me) and some change to happen.

"Ava, I don't know what I wanted to say. I just wanted you close to me. The thought of you with this guy, it disgusts me," he said, twisting his lip like he too was nauseous from jealousy.

"Baby, I don't mean to be cruel or hurt you ever, but maybe now you understand a little bit of how I feel when you tell me about the other girls," I spoke. 

It was a snide comment, but I delivered it with the utmost grace and care and nudged Ethan to show him in some way that I still loved him, although he had never and would never ask if I did.

I wondered if I was imagining Ethan's eyes becoming water, about to drip. He looked down. "It's not the same, Ava. I have meaningless sex with everyone. It's a personality trait. You only have sex with people you really care about."

"So...you're not hurt that I slept with him," I repeated. "You're hurt that perhaps I really care for him. Does that mean you really care for me?"

Ethan shook his head back and forth, almost like he was on the verge of another of his breakdowns. "I—Of course I do, Ava. I—It's hard for me. You know it's hard for me. I don't like feeling this way. I told you, I always thought we'd be together someday. I thought---I really thought secretly, I would never tell you, but I thought maybe someday I would get it together. I'd become the guy who deserves you, and we could be happy. But now, now I'm realizing it's just some stupid pipe dream." 

His imagination of us together had me in tears internally, but I remained calm. I wanted us both to fight for that so desperately.

"You really want that?" I questioned. I couldn't believe this was reality after all we had already been through. All I needed to do was sleep with someone else to get Ethan perplexed and wanting a future? Damn, boys were really too simple.

"Yes, Ava, but we can never have it. You're going to and should fall in love with this Max character, and I should be happy for you. I want to be happy for you, but I can't. It makes me sick. If you two started dating, we could never be friends."

I was completely baffled and excited about this changing behavior.

"Ethan, I'm not falling in love with Max." I ignored Connor's advice to not let Ethan feel confident about anything at this point. "Sure, I like him. But we just met. It doesn't compare to my feelings for you. And it's not a pipe dream. We could have what you want, what we both want."

"I know, but I'd let you down," Ethan whispered, as if the idea of us dating and him disappointing me scared him more than anything in this world. I thought to myself, how does he not see by him refusing to try he was letting me down more than he ever could if we were together?

"You don't know that. We could be happy," I said. It was the truth, wasn't it?

"Ava, can I, can I think about it? I mean, think about us dating? It does hurt me that you were with him... I just need to think about us... I'll let you know in a few days. Three days. I just need to process everything, but can you still be here for me while I do?"

Like a fool, I said, "Of course, Ethan." It was the first time I was hopeful about us in weeks.

We went to his room to have sex. In the middle of it, Ethan choked me and forced me to tell him who was better in bed, him or Max. I'll let you guess who I said won in that competition.

. . .

It was only three nights later and although I had assured Ethan I wasn't falling in love with Max, I wasn't going to let our raw sexual chemistry and connection go to waste.