afflicted

33: Azriel, present day

He had been looking for days. It was like Callie had disappeared entirely, almost like she'd never even been there. Azriel felt like he was chasing ghosts. Cassian had lended his help, still healing himself, but all of it had been useless. Somehow, he knew Maeve had taken her. He'd been desperate to prove himself wrong, praying to the Mother he'd find her out here somewhere.

Cassian coughed behind him, startling him out of his own morbid thoughts. He'd cleaned and bandaged the wounds on Cassian's back, but his brother was obviously still in a mountain of pain. Yet here he was, looking for Callie because he knew what it meant to Azriel. A wave of grief threatened to bring him to his knees.

"She has her, Az," Cassian said gruffly.

"I know," Azriel said quietly.

"There's nothing we can do without getting ourselves killed, too," Cass said hesitantly. Azriel chose to not answer, focusing on the sound of his heavy boots flattening the snow where he walked with a crunch.

He knew he was wrong for caring about what happened to Callie. He should be glad that she was going to finally get what she deserved for all the pain she'd caused. He hated the weakness inside of him that allowed his own emotions to cloud his judgement when it came to her. It was like she was a drug he couldn't quite kick. It was even worse knowing he was risking Cassian's life for hers.

"Which is why you need to let me go alone," Azriel spoke finally, breaking the tense air between them. Cassian stopped in his tracks, waiting for Azriel to turn back to look at him. His dark, thick brows were furrowed on his forehead and his hazel eyes seemed far away. Azriel could see the way the war had drained him. He never cracked jokes anymore. Most days, Azriel was lucky to even get a response from him at all. When they weren't searching, Cass seemed borderline catatonic. Azriel certainly couldn't blame him. He'd lost his family, but he'd also lost his mate. Nesta was everything to Cassian, and now he was out searching every day to find and save her murderer. It was sick.

"You knew before you said it that I'd never let that happen," Cassian barked out roughly. He pulled his coat tighter around his frame, wincing at the way the fabric rubbed against the open bloody sockets where his wings had once been rooted.

"It has to happen," Azriel argued. "We're all going to die anyway. If not by Maeve from the cold or starvation." Cassian couldn't argue there, so he just looked at his friend, watching the emotions warring on his face.

"Then we go together, and we die together." Cassian's words seemed so final, like he'd accepted his own death long ago. The resolve on his face made Azriel's stomach churn. Gone was the fearless warrior who'd led countless men into battle, refusing to blink in the face of danger.

"You'd die for her?" Azriel asked him, voice somber.

"I'd die for you," Cassian corrected. The words were like bricks tied to his feet and he was in deep water. Every time Azriel had convinced himself that the ache within his chest couldn't possibly get worse, it always did.

He didn't even have a plan for what he would do if he did get Callie out safely. After all, he'd done it once before. He'd found her around a week after she was captured, unconscious in a cell in Maeve's dungeons. He'd quickly retrieved her and had taken her to the cell within his torture chamber. He'd known he couldn't trust her to not rat him out and send Maeve to his doorstep. He likely couldn't trust her not to kill him either.

He seemed so far away from the person he used to be. Sometimes, when he dreamed, he saw Callie the way he used to. She'd nearly buzzed with energy, surrounding her like a halo of golden light. He would have trusted her with his last breath. He had thought he'd known her inside and out, yet he'd been so, so wrong. He'd brought her into all of their lives, only to find she was nothing like she said she was.

She'd pretended to love his family, to love him, and at the first opportunity, had betrayed them all. He no longer trusted his own judgement. His shadows were rarely seen and mostly refused to speak to him. He couldn't understand how they, too, had been so wrong about her.

"I feel like I'm losing my mind," Azriel admitted, laughing a humorless laugh. "Tell me she'd not worth saving. Beat some fucking sense into me or something. Tell me she's a traitor and that she never loved me. Convince me not to go." He felt like he was begging at this point. He just wanted it all to stop. Most days, waking up didn't even feel worth it.

"Az," Cass said slowly. "You're a good man."

Azriel really laughed this time.

"You're a terrible liar," Az scoffed, watching the way his breath turned to mist in the freezing air. Cassian swallowed, looking at the ground. He didn't know what to say to his friend. He didn't know how to comfort him or make it hurt any less.

"We're going to get her," Cassian said, attempting to sound as certain as he possibly could. Cassian knew that there would be no going back for Azriel if he truly lost Callie. No matter how much he resented her, her blood on his hands would stain him for the rest of his life, sullying any sense of self or purpose he'd ever be able to muster up again. So, if this is what it took for him to save his brother from himself, he'd do it.

Azriel looked at him reproachfully.

"Now let's get a fucking move on. We've got lots of ground to cover and I can only travel on foot. We pack up and leave in an hour," Cassian's voice for a moment sounded as it used to. Azriel saw a small inkling of the commanding general still inside of him. Deciding they both needed to feel useful, Azriel nodded, turning on his heel to lead the both of them back to the cabin.