Review Shop - Quotev And Wattpad (CLOSED)

Music & Butterflies - Detailed Feedback

You have some tense issues. You're writing in past tense, but there were some incorrect slips into present tense that were jarring. However, don't worry too much about it cause it wasn't too often. Just something to keep in mind for the future.

I wasn't a big fan of your hook. The opening chapter wasn't paced well, and by the end of the dancing sequence, as much as it gives us insight to Astrid's character, I was asking myself "Why?". Why was that scene necessary? What did you do with that scene that you couldn't have done later? Why couldn't that scene be combined with another one to make it do more?

Unfortunately, ftr's don't have a long attention span (ftr's don't lie, you know it's true). We need to be hooked in. There's way too much exposition. I found myself struggling to remember half of the exposition by the end of the first chapter anyway. 

Honestly, I didn't find most of the first chapter interesting until she started talking to her mother. I didn't care for the exposition and dancing in the beginning. In my opinion, it could have been put in a later chapter. Especially since some of the exposition earlier is stated again in the dialogue. 

I.e., "I still can't believe she was born on your death's anniversary." That line alone tells us everything we need to know. And Astrid also says "Even better than when I adopted you on your fifth birthday?" to Sophie, which renders much of the exposition about the adoption timeline redundant since it's explained in dialogue later. You don't need to explain why Sophie's bday is special. Those lines do it for us. Astrid's actions do it for us.

When too much is thrown at the audience, we forget and get bored. I was getting interested when Sophie and Astrid were together, then the section cut to more exposition, introducing a bunch of characters and giving them their own paragraphs of exposition. You shouldn't have to tell us about the characters. Show us those traits you're telling us. You shouldn't have to tell me Candice is the free spirit, I should see it in the way she acts. Focus more on showing over telling.

My fellow writing majors and I always say that too much exposition in the beginning is a red flag because most of the time it ends up dragging out the first chapter. I actually got dunked on in my writing class because I had one paragraph of exposition within the first ten pages. They suggested breaking it up into dialogue and sprinkling it more evenly throughout the story, and you know what? They were right. My story ended up flowing better and felt more natural. I would suggest the same for you. Instead of exposition dumping, try breaking it up and sprinkling things in. Tell the reader as much as you can through the character's actions and dialogue, and also how they react to dialogue. 

For example:

"Welcome to Earth. Congratulations," he said as he spread his arms, "you've made it to the last standing bunker in New York."

"You're far from home, hellspawn. Busan, right?"

Jeongmin's smile almost faltered. "You know me."

"Angels oversee human life. In the shadows, but we're always there."

"I'm no human."

"Your mother was."

So much exposition is given through those lines. The things we definitely know is that Jeongmin isn't human but his mother was, the setting is New York, Jeongmin is from Busan, and an angel is watching him. You can also make inferences based on the dialogue such as Jeongmin's feelings about Busan (his smile faltering) and his background (denying being human).

Look at how much was learned through six lines. In creative writing, one of the goals is to do as much with as little as possible. How can you get the most across with the fewest amount of lines? Ask yourself what every line is doing to further the story. While it is obviously okay to give exposition in the form of paragraphs, if you can break it up, put it in dialogue, and find better places for it, that could improve the pacing.