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Love at Dawn - Detailed Feedback

I would recommend doing more showing over telling. For example, in the prologue there's the sentence, "The young man seems deeply moved..."

My fellow writing majors and I like to call it "director's notes." When you blatantly tell the audience what someone is thinking or how they feel, it can come off as a director's note instead of creative writing. Like a note you [the writer] left in to give yourself an outline for how someone is feeling. Instead of saying "The young man seems deeply moved," consider describing how we [the audience] can tell he is moved. Consider describing his facial expressions, or his body language, or his tone of voice.

Again, my fellow writing majors and I tend to call this the "2 +  2 = 4" equation of writing. Readers want to think about the story. We want to determine what the characters are thinking for ourselves. In this equation, the character's thoughts represent the 4 while the "showing" is the 2 + 2. Don't give the audience 4. Even if the answer is simple, like 4, give us the 2 + 2. Make us work for it. Make us calculate the 4 on our own.

You can also do this by eliminating adverbs. I'm not saying delete all of them, but instead of resorting to adverbs, describe using other methods. For example, also in the prologue, I was caught off guard by this line: "...sighing sincerely as she does every time they reunite."

I don't think the "sincerely" is effectively demonstrating what you want it to. And I also have to comment that it is a strange choice to have a sigh be the thing she does every time they reunite. The very next paragraph also has odd phrasing: "The young man looks intense, his lips shivering slightly." I love the repetition of the s sound, but A) how does he look intense and B) what is "slightly" demonstrating that you can't demonstrate in other ways? My recommendation would be to show how he looks intense and change up the wording of the lips shivering slightly. Again, love love love the repetition of the s, but I feel there is a better way to convey this without resorting to "slightly." That leads me to ask the question: "Do lips slightly shiver? Is that possible?" Maybe that's going too far into it, but it does raise many questions about the overall visuals of the scene.

Just keep in mind that in the prologue alone, there is an overreliance on adverbs, and some of them are repeated and makes the otherwise solid word choice feel stale in some areas (i.e., "slowly" is repeated more than once). The prologue is short, which is why I would recommend making each word as unique as possible. Keep an eye out for repeated descriptive words (i.e., intense is used twice in the prologue). It's a small thing, but it'll help make your word choice even more unique!

Another example of this is in chapter 24 with the paragraph stating "Suddenly, she heard Raphael, slightly tipsily, murmuring behind her..." That sentence is a cluster of unnecessary adverbs. Not to mention you used suddenly only a few paragraphs before you used it again in that excerpt.

Lastly, dialogue tags. You do dialogue tags correctly most of the time, but sometimes it's strange. For example, sometimes you will end the dialogue as if you're going to make a tag, then make the next part more of a sentence. I.e., "'It seems we still have an unspoken connection,' the old woman smiles." "The old woman smiles" seems very off in this sense. It's set up like a dialogue tag, but it feels like it should be its own sentence instead. That may be a personal thing, but it was jarring to read.

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Side Note:

I would recommend changing the description of the story. As is, it's a bit clunky and hard to read not to mention it doesn't give much of an insight into what the story is about. Going into the story, I had no idea what it was about because the description was very hard to read. The only thing I knew was there's romance, but it would be nice to know more. You have a great story here, you should use the description as a chance to sell it by teasing what's inside.

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Summary:

- Incredible attention to detail

- Amazing set up

- Characters are introduced and described masterfully

- Solid worldbuilding

- Solid pacing

- Solid word choice

- Interesting plot and characters

- Less telling, more showing

- Overuse of adverbs

- The 2 + 2 = 4 equation

- Be wary of filler words

- Some strange dialogue tags

- Avoid "director's notes"

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Overall:

Love at Dawn is an engaging narrative with mystery set up right from the start. It will hook you in and keep you reading with its interesting themes and characters along with a well-written setting. With its sequel, Dawn in the Foggy Dew, now available for you to read, I strongly recommend you check this story out. There's no better time to do so than now, when the sequel just dropped!

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Congratulations, you officially have the longest review so far. I had a lot to say. This story certainly had plenty of layers, and I enjoyed reading it!

Thank you so much for submitting your story. Love at Dawn was a very intriguing read that kept me on my toes. I loved how the readers were able to guess the plot and characters before it was told to us. I always love stories that give the readers time to make inferences about the plot. The little details you added were incredible and I hope you keep using them. Good luck with the sequel, I hope it goes well for you, you absolutely deserve the success! Please let me know if you need any further reviews or if you have any questions. If you ever want me to review the sequel, please don't hesitate to ask since I'd love to read more of your writing. You're a talented author, keep it up.

More reviews coming soon! I am also going to do author interviews soon, so be on the look out for that. Thanks for reading!

Also, if I haven't followed you back yet, it's because I will when I get to your story. It's hard to keep track of who I do and don't follow sometimes lmao but I promise if I haven't followed you back yet, I will!