TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of eating disorder, kind of dark thoughts, guilt, self harm!
Gyehyeon
When I enter the kitchen I notice a paper lying on the table. I immediately recognize it as my nutrition plan for the next weeks.
"2400 kcal, per day, that's your goal," Dr. Lee told me when he handed me the sheet. Now I have to eat proper meals every day.
After the others had found out about my "relationship" with food, how I like to mildly and a bit ironically call it, everything happened fast. Our manager accompanied me to my next appointment with my therapist and we talked about my eating disorder. Apparently it could have been caused by stress or by my depression but Dr. Lee said that the diets I had to endure during the last years are highly probably what triggered it.
"Nice", I thought when I got the diagnosis. That's how your life can end up into a mess.
The thing that many don't get is that I actually don't want to not eat. I love food. It's tasty and you need it. But at the same time I knew and know that as a celebrity I am being watched.
Constantly.
And sadly the toxic beauty standard is being slim. And so we are forced to watch our weigh all the time. Even though you can live healthily by eating the right things. Without needing to skip meals.
But after having followed the strict diets, it becomes natural to you. So, when I didn't have to pay attention to what I was eating anymore because that was what my therapist told me to do, I felt very lost and helpless. The thought of just eating anything with all the calories that come with the different dishes made me feel uneasy. I had already fallen into an eating disorder.
I think it's crazy how I can just objectively think about this but when it comes to reality, to me being directly confronted with my eating disorder, I panic and become edgy.
Right now, looking at the professionally made eating plan, all I feel is a sick feeling forming in the pit of my stomach.
I think about my members distressed reaction when they heard that additionally to my depression I also had an eating disorder.
I remember Kangmin instantly starting to cry and pressing his nails into the palms of his hands. Not to mention him looking so tiny and thin in his oversized Hoodie during that moment. Obviously there was also going something on with him but we did not know how to approach him. He seemingly didn't want to get any attention either, so we just let him be.
I feel guilty but I don't have the strength to listen to his depressing problems. That sounds egoistic but I just can't. I'm exhausted enough by everything. The therapy feels useless, my members are drained and tired and being faced with my issues all the time grueling.
Not to mention the constant guilt I feel because my existence is a burden.
Guilt because I heard Hoyoung crying last night because he was stressed out, guilt because I can't help Kangming, guilt because I'm a possible trigger for Minchan and for all the other persons around me.
Guilt because I know what I'm about to do right now is wrong.
Still, I leave the kitchen and make my way to our shared bathroom. When I arrive there, I open one of the cupboards and search for the box where we store all essential medication and pills. After some times I finally find it and open its top. My eyes scan over the different kinds of medicaments and when I spot the pills you take against headache, the ones you push out of some kind of plastic packaging, I grab them with erratic fingers and put the box down on the floor.
I can hear my heartbeat while I cautiously let my fingers trace over the edges of the plastic coated with thin metal. They are sharp.
For a moment, I pause, then I carefully roll up my jeans so that a small part of my leg is visible. After that I go and take a sit on the bathtub, with my back facing the door. The exposed leg is lying on the thigh of my other leg and having found a stable position, I harshly scratch the sharp packaging over my leg. It hurts. A little bit of blood spills from the wound and I'm not sure wether if I should laugh or cry because this freaking packaging of some pills can be used for cutting oneself.
When Yongseung had once noticed some cuts on my arm, him and the others instantly collected all the razors we had and stored them in one bathroom at our company building so that I hadn't any access to them. So, stupidly, I have to drive to the building when I want to shave myself. Since then they have also been controlling the cupboards every day to make sure I didn't buy a new one.
But they didn't consider this, so either way, I continue on moving the metallic surface over my ankle, the piercing pain helping me to forget about some thoughts. More bloods runs over my fingers but I don't care. Funnily, I'm terrified and know that what I am doing is stupid but at the same time I don't care. I feel numb.
Afterwards, when I feel like it's enough, I wash my hands and remove all the blood with the shower. Having put the pills back into the box and the box in the cupboard, I pull my pants down to hide the cuts.
"Nobody will notice them there because they only look at my arms," I kind of proudly think and leave the bathroom as if nothing happened, the wounds still slightly stinging.
hey, I hope you're alright. I feel like the last chapters where kind of boring in the sense of not many thinks "physically" happening but rather just a lot of mentions of thoughts, I hope it's not bothering you, please let me know your opinion! thanks for reading <333
ČTEŠ
(Lean on me)
Fanfikce"Are you okay? You seemed a bit tired before," I told him trying not to sound overdramatic. "Yeah, everything's fine," he answered not really paying attention to me and smiled. Although his smile seemed kind of forced, I didn't think about the way...
