Gyehyeon
"Let's go," I say and shut the door.
"Alright, so we're heading to the park with the small bridge, right?," Yongseung who is coming with me asks while following me.
"Yes," I answer, slowing down my steps as I notice that Yongseung and Hoyoung, who's also accompanying me, have difficulties keeping up with my pace.
"Why are you running like that?," Hoyoung laughs and I just shrug, not feeling like explaining.
Explaining that I'm walking so fast out of nervousness because I'll have to buy myself a coffee today. It sounds ridiculous that I'm stressed by something like that as a grown person.
And what is even weirder is that I've never had troubles with ordering stuff or talking to strangers in the past. That I enjoyed it would be an overstatement but I could quite casually do it.
Still, since my therapist told me to get a beverage, with me having to ask for it, I've been afraid of that task.
I didn't know the thought of interacting with others could terrify me so much.
"The weather is not bad today," Hoyoung points out and it seems like he feels forced to talk which I find a bit annoying.
I appreciate that he's trying to talk to me though, so I agree with his statement.
He reacts with a wide smile and his overjoyed grin slightly lightens up my mood although I don't know why my brief comments made him so happy. It's kinda cute how relieved he seems that I talk with them again (if the few sentences I let out everyday count as talk) and I'm glad I made the effort to answer.
Making an effort for them feels easier than making one for myself and even though this mindset might be wrong, I guess it's better than nothing. When it's hard to stay positive these days, I always think about the persons that mean the most to me and I try to continue on changing to the better for them. Dr. Lee told me that I have to focus on myself in order to get better but right now I can't really sympathize with the broken person that is putting everyone around her into stress and hurting them.
"At least I have a source of strength," I've told myself over and over and I guess for the moment it is enough. I'm not ready to feel proud and happy about my existence.
So, I just focus on my members. I want them to laugh again.
While we walk through the streets I take in every building while counting my steps until the first café. 'HONEYBEAR'; the name of the first café jumps into my sight, the view making me feel queasy.
I debate wether to finish the task there but no words to tell the others I want to get something to drink leave my mouth.
345, 346, 347. We're passing by the small door of the café, I stop on my track, confusing the other two.
"What's going on?," Hoyoung asks and his worried tone doesn't go unnoticed by me.
"Nothing," I tell them quickly and start moving again, my heart erratically thumping in my ears.
Why is this so hard?
"You just have to damn order a takeaway," I internally curse at myself while leaving the first café behind.
"There's still a coffee shop left," I try to calm myself down, ignoring the other thoughts that call me a loser.
Anxiously I count my steps again, blending out the conversation Yongseung and Hoyoung are having next to me.
678, 679, 680..
When I take the 711th step, the coffee shop 'Sweet Milk' is only a few meters away.
Knowing this is my last chance to accomplish what I have to get done, I start to panic, my hands sweating. I slow down, trying to spit out the few words that I have prepared in my head and replayed every second since we've left our dorm.
I. Want. To. Buy. A. Drink. Could. You. Wait. For. A. Moment?
These are only two sentences, 12 words, 39 letters and I don't manage to spill them.
Yongseung and Hoyoung who have noticed me stopping near the café are looking at me with a questioning expression, waiting for me to explain my actions.
"Uh, I want a drink, wait for me," I tell them after some awkward seconds and turn around, rashly entering the coffee shop in embarrassment.
The way I said it sounded too harsh! And I didn't even ask them if they wanted something too!
Disappointed in myself, I walk up to the counter, reality hitting me when I hear the little bell fixed on the door of the shop ringing. Now the worst part of comes.
"Hello," a female worker that appeared from a staff room behind a black curtain greats me warmly and adjusts her position behind the payment desk. I'd say she's about forty.
"Uh, he- hello," I nervously stutter back, instantly scared she finds my incompetence funny.
But she doesn't show any reaction as she restocks the display case with red velvet muffins. After she's done she looks at me expectantly while eating for my order.
Shit. I curse myself for not deciding to look through their offers while she was busy.
"Uhm..what would you recommend?," I unsurely mutter in order to stop this uncomfortable silence.
"To eat or to drink?," she asks friendly.
"To drink," I rashly explain and feel dumb for not expressing my wish properly before.
"We have many great beverages. I would recommend the Matcha Latte or the Coconut Frappé. Though the last one may be not a good choice for the cold temperatures right now. Then maybe the Caramel Toffee Nut Latte. You can either choose them with normal milk, haver drink"-
"Then the matcha latte with haver drink, please," I interrupt her endless talk because I want to get over this as fast as possible.
She blinks twice, surprised by the interruption but then just nods and takes the order while smiling at me.
"Sorry, I didn't want to be rude," I apologize, while handing her the money for the drink, feeling guilty because I cut her short.
"No problem," she says and laughs to my surprise. It seems genuine.
„I'm responsible for making the beverages so I sometimes get a bit too excited when someone wants a recommendation," she explains and then turns around to prepare my drink after she has given me the change.
Her wide smile from the beginning never leaves her face, even after I've said goodbye. I'm surprised by the encounter.
It went better than I had though it would.
When I take a sip of the Latte, it doesn't taste that bad even though I normally don't like matcha.
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