Gyehyeon
My throat feels super dry when the van halts in some quiet area. Nervously I unbuckle my belt and step out of the car. My manager follows, leading the way to some white building.
We use the stairs to get to the second floor and enter a tiny doctor's office. Some secretary is sitting behind a wooden desk with a plant on it- cliché "therapist-office-with-plants-and-some-wooden-furniture", check!
Our manager quickly talks to the man and then we are leaded to a small waiting room.
"You won't have to wait long, Dr. Lee will come get you soon," he says and leaves with a bow.
The waiting time goes by much faster than I wanted and after a few minutes a middle-aged looking man in a turtleneck with glasses appears.
"Hello, you're Jo Gyehyeon and..," he starts to greet us, glancing at my manager for help because it seems he forgot his name.
Ok, interesting first impression. Seems very (in)competent.
"Lim Hyunseo," my manager introduces himself and bows with a small smile.
"Ah, yes his guardian. So, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance," Dr. Lee lets us know and motions us to follow him.
"Because you can make money off broken personas like me," I think, not comfortable with the whole situation.
But I remind myself not to judge him so fast.
"He wants to help you," I tell myself although I almost can't refrain to innerly scoff at those words.
Still, I try to block out negative thoughts and be as calm as possible while we're asked to sit down after having arrived in a room I assume to be the session room. It's pretty minimalistic and I'm surprised there's no stereotypical bookshelf standing in it.
First, the therapist and Hyunseo talk about the formal things including the sessions I'll have, like payment, appointments, etc. Although they are the only ones speaking, Dr. Lee turns to look at me every now and then to make me feel included in the conversation. I don't know if I find it nice of him to do so or if it makes me feel unpleasant.
"Now I may ask you to leave, in about an hour you can come rich him up," Mr. or Dr. or whatsoever Lee tells my manager after some agreement and turns in his chair to see me properly.
He waits until Hyunseo has left and then begins to converse with me.
"Hello, Mr. Jo, I'm Dr. Lee," he introduces himself again and I barely manage to hold back a "Uh, you've already told me that, just get to the point" but I shut myself as I feel like every single move I do is analyzed, so I only nod.
"So, Mr. Jo, why do you think you are here?," he then wants to know and stares at me as if it was a totally interesting topic, even though our manager should already have talked to him, at least on the phone and he should know my condition.
Perplexed by the question which I don't get the sense of, I glance over the few objects in the room while thinking about what he asked. It makes me feel very uneasy and I anxiously let my eyes drift anywhere but not him.
My eyes fixate on a box that is filled with lollipops which I try to identify the brand of to not needing to have eye contact with Dr. Lee.
"Do you want one?," he randomly offers and before I can even answer he grabs a pink one from the box and gives it to me.
"Thanks," I say lamely and unsurely while taking the candy.
I still feel the pressure to answer, so I do, wanting the silence and his attentive look to end.
"Because...I haven't been in my mind these days, I guess? I'm not in a good mood lately and you're here to help me with that," I say, keeping it simple and meanwhile unpacking the lollipop to distract myself, putting it in my mouth after I'm done.
Hmm, apple flavor. I prefer cherry though.
"Then, Mr. Jo, tell me about your childhood. Is there any experience you remember vividly?," he asks and stares straight into my soul.
Taken aback by the intensity of his look, I focus on the little frog origami standing on his desk.
Concentrated I go through my memories in order to find a significant one. After a few seconds, a situation manifests itself in my head: My mom as she buys me an ice-cream on a hot summer day. She looks happy and carefree as she hands me the scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.
The feelings I instantly associate with it are laziness, relaxation and bliss. It obviously is a wholesome memory.
When I tell him about it, the way I feel calm and peaceful when I reminisce about that moment, Dr. Lee doesn't even blink an eye as he listens to me attentively, he only nods his head in understanding and writes something down on a little writing block he took out from a drawer under his table.
This action makes me nervous as I can't say if it's a good sign that he's taking notes. I try to decipher some words but his handwriting is too messy and from upside down it's even harder, so I give up.
"Mr. Jo," he then begins in a serious tone and it annoys me that he has to directly address me in every sentence.
"What you've told me sounds beautiful . It's nice that a positive memory comes to your mind first. But, now, is there also a bad memory you connect with your past?," he wants to know.
Again, it takes me some time to process his question and then my mind starts working on its own, searching for memorable incidents.
There is one I recall that traumatized me a lot when I was younger. And like then, remembering it makes my mood drop immediately.
When I was nine, I got lost during Christmas time. My mom and me had gone out to get a view of the decorations in the stores and on the streets. There were many other people that had had the same idea so it was pretty crowded downtown.
At some moment, I spotted some awesome decoration and went to see it better, not thinking about the fact that I was leaving my mom's side. As she had been busy taking pictures, she didn't notice my absence at first. I was young, so after some minutes of taking a closer look on the golden lights that had caught my eye, I lost my interest, realizing my mom wasn't next to me anymore and starting to panic.
Desperate to find her, I tried to make my way through the mass of people but as I was so little, I couldn't really move forward. The people pressing from all the sides made me feel even worse and luckily an elderly man took me out of the crowd as he had spotted me alone and waited for my mom with me.
In the end, my mother and I were reunited but since then, narrow spaces haven't been my favorite places to be at.
I describe the situation to Dr. Lee, leaving out the part that the sole thought of it still makes me feel uneasy, cause who in the world feels good when thinking about the time(s) they got lost?
During the rest of the session, I have to depict any memory from my childhood or youth that comes to my mind, the therapist writing down some sentences frequently and carefully digging deeper but stopping when he gets I don't want to answer certain things.
The time flews and an hour is suddenly over.
When I stand up, Dr. Lee says some last fords for today, "Until the next week, I have an assignment for you: Go and get yourself a beverage or something and take a walk somewhere. It doesn't matter if you're alone or with someone else, but what is important that you buy the coffee or whatever you desire. You understood?"
"Yes," I let out shortly and then bid a polite goodbye to which he reacts with a smile.
While I leave the praxis, I don't know how to feel.
The only emotions I can identify are the tiny relief filling me but also dull uncertainty.
hi sorry for not posting for some time..I hope you liked this chapter, feel free to comment,.. I didn't think it would become so long, kinda surprised, haha. anyways, thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it a lot <3
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