Greenleaf

Hanging out

So once I woke up . We all got ready for the day. Aunt Karissa picked up Zora and Sophia for soccer, but I stayed because I and Raven have a day to hang out. Both our moms agreed. So once we left the church. First we were walking around in a park. " So do you plan on telling anyone about it?" Raven asked me." I don't know, " I said." I am scared to tell my mom." I said." What about your dad?" Raven asked me." Me and him are not on good terms, " I said, and Raven nodded." Do you ever think about living with your dad. Like, has it ever crossed your mind?" Raven asked me. I shock my head. " No. My mom is everything to me. All I need is her. All I needed was her since I was 2. So I don't need him in my life ever again, since he doesn't want me in his. " I said. Then we went to get something to eat and then went bowling. After that, we just sat down. We were joking around. I then realised how close we were." Can I have your permission on doing something crazy?" Raven asked me," Sure, " I said. She leaned in and kissed me. I felt fireworks throughout my whole body. But my mind told me to pull away. So I did. " I am so sorry. I have to go. " I took my stuff, and I ran out and went home.

Once I got home. I went into my bathroom. I locked the door and just started to cry.

(TW)

I remembered what one of my friends from Arizona once told me. I found a razor and I broke it. I sat down in the shower. I put it on, and then I started to use it on my wrist/ arm. It hurt, but deep inside, I know that I deserve it. I started to kind of like it . I deserve this. I have sinned. But why do people say that it is wrong when it feels so right. This family will hate me. I can't take Sophia and mom hating me. Once I finished. I cleaned up the cuts. I heard knocking. " Hey baby, you okay?" I heard mom's voice." Yeah, I am fine, " I said, and my voice broke in some places." Are you sure?" Mom asked." Yeah, " I said." Okay ,when you are ready, come out, please, " Mom said. I realised that I didn't have anything to cover my arms/ wrists, so I first dried myself from the shower and then I put on a hoodie to hide my arms.

(END OF TW)

I then opened the door and I saw mom sitting on the bed. " You okay baby?" Mom asked me as she looked at me worried." Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" I asked her. "You've been crying, " Mom said as she patted the seat next to her. I sat down next to her. She took my hand. " What's been going on?" Mom asked me." It's just that... It's weird, " I said." What's weird, baby?" She asked me." Once we got here, Sophia seemed like she already had found a life here. Like soccer practice. All these friends... And I am just finding it kind of hard, " I said as I looked down at my lap "Baby everyone has different speeds to get used to new places and new stuff. You don't have to know or do anything right away. And haven't you got Raven?" Mom asked me. "I don't know. Something happened today, " I said. I cursed at myself for saying that" What happened?" She asked me." It's nothing," I said. " Baby, if it hurt you like this, then it's more than nothing," Mom said. I looked at her. " It's just something she said. That's all, " I said. Mom nodded. "Come here," Mom said. She put her arm around me and pulled me closer to her. I put my arms around her waist. " You are going to be okay. You will make more friends, you will find your interest. And even maybe you will make up with Raven and be friends again, " Mom said as she kissed the top of my head." I love you, Mama," I said. " I love you too, baby. Soooo much, " She said." Now get some sleep so that tomorrow you have some energy for school, " Mom said. I nodded. She got up. As she was at the door, she looked at me. " I know. If I need anything, you are always here, " I said." I am, " Mom said, which made me smile." Okay, I will leave you to be now, " Mom said as she left my room. I got up from my bed and closed the door. I then just lay down on my bed thinking about what happened with Raven. Why did I like it so much? I can't like her. She is a girl. I then saw my phone vibrating. I saw that it was Raven. I declined it, and then I saw a message.

R: Iris, I am so sorry about what I did. I just couldn't stop myself. You are so beautiful. I am so sorry.

I started typing, but I couldn't think of anything, so I just turned off my phone and laid on my bed trying to go to sleep.