Love didn't exist. It could not exist. At least not in my little world.
I was pretty pessimistic. Sometimes, I had a couple of good days, it felt like maybe my life could change. I just had to work harder, try harder. Like the seasons, it would change over time. It may just be my coldest and longest winter that would soon change into the warm feeling of spring.
But that did not happen. I gave up on foolish dreams. It didn't matter how much I tried, prayed or wished.
A chilly feeling run through my body.
When I feel that overwhelming wave of loneliness it just hit me harder.
I am alone.
No one would notice if I would just disappear.
Why even bother?
Everything. Everything hurts. It hurts to talk, to get up, to look at myself. Just existing hurts. But no one wants to hear about those days, they do not care when you cry for no reason, laying in your bed curled up and just waiting.
For something, someone. Anything that might fill this eternal feeling of bitterness.
Though it is just the way it is. We all have our ways of coping with it. Barricading myself in my room isn't an option. I have to get up, I have to look into the mirror, I have to face adult life and I have to go to work. Over and over again the same tiring circle.
It is just about getting through the day, it is just about surviving. I wasn't living.
I was merely alive. Gripping onto an edge leading down into total darkness.
Was there even an end?
Deep down I knew I was lonely. The hunger for love was eating me from the inside. All the judgement, all the pressure.
I knew life sucked. It was unfair for most of us. So who am I to complain, but really? So damn unfair?
After today's shift my body felt like a stone. I could literally lay here for the whole weekend and only stand up to get myself some food.
When I think about looking into my fridge it would be too heart breaking as well, the only thing in there would be the molded yoghurt I bought two weeks ago.
Who needs food anyways, sleeping is enough for me. I can take some leftovers from my second work place later.
My relationship to food wasn't really healthy. I want to be in control of something so bad, so sometimes I make restrictions. I cannot decide what I eat, so I decide how much I will consume of it.
It feels good.
To be in control.
To decide.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and hugged my pillow, the comforting sound of absolute silence was remarkable.
The feeling of being weightless overcame me and I wished to feel this way forever, the feeling of no worries nor sadness.
"Ugh." I sighed to myself and squeezed my eyes together, I almost forget the head ache I took home from work.
I persuaded myself that my health was an important thing and got out of bed to get myself some painkillers from my kitchen shelf.
After I finally managed to swallow them, I got myself some cool water and let it roll down my dry throat.
"I would kill to eat something salty right now." With another sigh I wanted to go back to my comfort place, yet a knock on my door made me stop.
In a frozen pose I waited for the person to disappear. The neighbourhood I was living in was located in a bad area, so opening the door in the evening was never a good idea.
YOU ARE READING
after they met her
Teen Fiction|ongoing| Ivana grew up alone. She was alone since the day she was born and she was sure she would also die alone. Without anyone by her side she struggled to make a living, till one day two men stood infront of her door, claiming to be her brothers...
