𝘉𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘦 | 𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘭𝘪𝘹.

| 33 |

"Have you really been in bed? For two days..?" He asks, concern laced in his voice. He looks the boy up and down, almost wanting to cry. His condition is heartbreaking.

He's wearing the same hoodie he was wearing when he left Felix.

"I've been in and out of it.. but yeah." He says. He adjusts his stance, putting an arm up to his elbow and shifting his weight to his other foot.

Chan looks past Hyunjin, seeing the mess all over his desk. His art supplies are spread all over, next to a few glasses. Some are just filled with water, mixed with his watercolors.

Hyunjin clears his throat. "Why are you here, Chan?" He asks, sucking in a breath. "If you came here to tell me something then I'm asking you to hurry up, please." His words aren't demanding, instead more pleading.

"I came here to say that I'm sorry." Chan says, sighing. "But I also came to ask why you didn't just tell me?"

"Just tell you?" Hyunjin repeats, his voice breaking a little bit. "Chan.. that's... I couldn't have done that. You don't understand."

"I don't, Hyunjin." Chan shakes his head, shrugging. "I really don't. If you could have just told me, told me that you liked him— or wanted to sleep with him— I don't—"

"Oh." Hyunjin laughs. Chan pauses, and looks to Hyunjin with a weird look. That's when Hyunjin tilts his head. "Is that all you think this is? A hookup?"

"I wouldn't know." Chan shakes his head. "You never told me."

Hyunjin tuts. He turns away, putting his hands on his hips. He rubs his lips together, trying to stop himself from crying in front of Chan. He can't believe that's what Chan thinks.

He sucks in a breath, before he looks back to the older boy. "Chan, I don't think you understand. I didn't tell you about this because it goes so much deeper than what you think. This goes way back."

"What do you mean..?" Chan asks, starting to feel a bit guilty.

"Do you remember the first time.. I ever came over to your house?" He asks, raising a brow. "The summer before first grade. We had a pool party, and you wanted me to meet somebody."

"Felix?" Chan asks.

"Your little brother." Hyunjin nods. "I was seven. I was seven, and I got this weird feeling in my stomach when your brother smiled at me. He was six and had just lost his teeth, and I told him he still looked pretty."

Chan starts to smile at the memory. It's a sweet one, to the both of them. But, for different reasons. Chan had finally introduced his best friend to his parents, and Hyunjin had found the boy he would like for the next decade.

"And from that day forward, something was off about me. I didn't know anything about love or crushes or whatever you want to call it, but when I did, when I leaned what liking somebody was— guess who came to my mind?"

Hyunjin pauses. "Lee Felix. My best friends brother."

Chan sucks in a breath. "Hyunjin—"

"And I fought it for years." Hyunjin shakes his head, his voice wavering. "No, that's a boy I can't like a boy— I fought it so hard. I dated other people, I fucked around and let people touch me, I did anything to escape it. Escape him."

"But I never got away from it." He says. "I never stopped looking for him in other people. I'd look for his blonde hair, because I loved the way he dyed it and looked amazing with it. I'd look for him in crowds, I'd look for him when a joke is told— to see if he liked it."

"I remember everything he liked. I'd find silly ways to make him smile. I'd do fucking anything to hear his laugh. I'd only go on field trips if he was going, then would be upset when we weren't on the same bus. It was something I could never avoid. I could never get over him. I'm in love with him, Chan."

Chan can only stare. He hears every word the younger says, but it all feels so foreign. Years? Years. It's been this way, for years.

"So why now, Hyunjin?" Chan suddenly asks, putting his hands is his pockets. He is holding back tears.

He has never heard any of this. He never knew or never even noticed the way Hyunjin felt about his brother, and he never thought twice about anything. Now he just feels stupid. It's so obvious, if you think about it when you know.

"Why did you only go for him now?" He asks.

"Because he came for me." He says, a tear falling down his cheek. "And I wasn't going to miss my chance. I spent a decade of my life wishing for it and I did not miss it when it came. I don't care if it only lasted a summer, because it will last forever in my memories."

"Why are you talking about it in past–tense?" Chan asks, tilting his head.

Hyunjin tilts his head. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Because it's not over."

The younger freezes. "What do you—" He stutters, in disbelief about what Chan just said. "What? I don't get this.. I thought you—"

"Don't finish that sentence with 'won't allow it' or anything else that implies I'm ending it, Hyunjin." Chan says. "Because it is not mine to end. It is your story, and your relationship with him. There is no me in that."

Hyunjin's stomach drops. "Wait— you're not going to tell me off?"

"After everything you just said to me," Chan starts, putting his hands on Hyunjin's shoulders. "I would be the worst friend in the world. I don't care if he's my brother, Hyunjin, he's the man you love. Who am I to tell you who you can and can't love?"

Hyunjin bursts into tears. He falls into Chan's chest, hiding his face in the older's shoulder. He cries like a baby, but it's not at all because he's sad. It's because he finally heard what he needed to hear.

Chan continues, softly. "I'm so stupid for not noticing earlier, and even stupider for making it seem like you guys had to hide. I will always regret that. I'm so sorry."

He pulls away, holding Hyunjin's face. "I want you to be happy, Hyunjin. And if he is what makes you happy, then so be it."

Hyunjin smiles. "Thank you."

Chan smiles too, wiping the older's tears. "But I need you to promise me one thing— that you'll never break his heart, and you won't let him break yours."