Undercover Baby

Inner Demons

Undercover Baby is over.

Ironically, the title of this chapter was already decided to be "Inner Demons" so I decided to keep it. I don't know how to say this, but I'm done with writing stories here on Wattpad. This may sound really weird to some of you but I hope I can speak to a number of people:

I knew deep down that I shouldn't be making these stories. I have been reading ABDL stories since I was 12 years old. The very first week that I discovered the community, I didn't leave my room for hours. I stayed and read so much. As I got older, I started to have my own ideas for stories that I could write. And that's what I did. The first story that I created was "ABDL Hotel". I wasn't sure how it would perform because I wasn't sure how easy it was to get works seen by the ABDL community. But in an instant, I suddenly had thousands of views, seemingly overnight. I made a few more chapters, and for the most part, they were well received. I thought "Maybe it's a one-time fluke" so I wrote "The Virus". But then again, it performed just as good (it would probably have more reads if I added more chapters). Finally, that led me to my final story, this one. I decided that it would be my magnum opus. Before even starting I had a clear picture of beginning to end with so many twists and turns.

As I continued to write, my outside life continued. This lifestyle was something I didn't tell anyone about. It was just me. It felt weird because although I had hundreds of thousands of reads, no one in my life knew about it. I would sometimes look around in a room and wonder if anyone there had read my stories. But writing stories had always been a place of shame for me.

Throughout the past many years, I have been a follower of Jesus. I have seen Him do truly miraculous things that make it impossible for me not to believe in Him. In all of my struggles and sins, He loved me unconditionally. Over the past two years, God has delivered me from the battles I have given to Him. But, for some reason, I refused to give up the ABDL community. Control is something that seems so impossible to give up because we often think that we know the best course of action for our lives. Over the past week, I realized how wrong that outlook on life is. I have rarely ever felt so close to God like I am right now, which is why I need to make this decision right now. I don't want time to go by and then find myself tempted again. But right now, it doesn't hurt me to lose this community. It's hard, don't get me wrong. It's really, REALLY hard to say goodbye. But it also says in Philippians 3:7-8:

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ"

I kept coming up with different excuses every time I would publish a new chapter. "There's nothing inherently 'sexual' about my stories compared to a lot of other ABDL works," or "I'll just stop when I finish Undercover Baby" but those excuses led to more temptations. For example, I have probably 6-7 more chapters before the end of the story and I've been publishing only a few chapters each YEAR, so I would still be doing this many years to come. Second, although I don't reference anything sexual in my stories, I knew full well that my stories WERE being sexualized and I decided to ignore it.

I hope you understand the gravity of the decision that I am making. I know that it is really easy to just move onto the next story. There are literally thousands of them on the internet and this one has such microscopic importance in comparison. But understand that while this story may not mean hardly anything for you now that it's over, this is the culmination of years of work for me. I am giving that all up in an instant. Not because of how amazing I am, but because of the transformative power of Jesus Christ that now lives in me and is reflected throughout my life.

Please understand that this is hard for me. If you were in my shoes, think about how hard it would be for you. Think about it. THOUSANDS of people are consuming your work and many are giving you a lot of praise for it. In addition to the temptation of fame and approval, I must go against the temptations of my mind. I have already finished the story in my brain and it takes the power of God to stop me from writing. To make me realize that instead of spending hours trying to finish this project, I can spend those hours trying to become closer to God's purpose in my life.

Don't think that I didn't have an exhilarating conclusion in mind where there is a final fight on a cargo plane, or where we discover that Scott was framed the entire time, or where Naomi deduces that Sid Van Gallium is actually an anagram for Davis Mulligan.

As much as some of you love this story, you will never love it more than I did. This was my creation and I loved the characters that I created and I had a plan in mind for each of them. But God had a bigger plan in mind for me. For those of you who scoff and move onto the next story, I pray that God will open your hearts to the wonder of a life following Christ.

For those of you still reading, I believe that God has already started moving in your life. Before you make a comment about how you "respect my decision" or bid me farewell from the ABDL community, realize that you are still reading this for a reason. Most people have moved off by now, but God has kept you here for a specific reason. I feel it is my obligation to tell you about how fulfilling a life with Jesus is. Perhaps you've heard it before, or maybe I'm the first person to let you know, but Jesus loves you so much. Way more than you can even begin to fathom, and way more than any person can love themselves. He loved you so much that he actually came to Earth as a human to die for our sins. With the incredible power that He had, He could have easily become a powerful conquerer, but instead, he was a peaceful servant.

"Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." -Matthew 20:28

I pray that in some way, you have been convicted today. I also pray that you stand up with boldness and say "this is not the life I want to live. I want something that fulfills me beyond anything else."

I could continue to preach scripture to you, but Jesus is a WAY better teacher than me. If you are interested, read about Jesus explaining to Nicodemus on how we can be born again in spirit and start living for Jesus:

https://www.bible.com/bible/111/JHN.3.NIV

I am not done writing stories because of the shame I feel, but I'm done writing them because of the freedom I now have to live a life that is honoring to God.