Nat manages to recover quickly. According to Mickey, when her and Bob took to the air the following day, it was as if nothing had happened. I was glad to hear that they were doing good. Although it did nothing to help my anxiety over the whole situation. The days we're passing by quickly now. I had no idea what would happen from this point on.
The training had been expedited is all I know. They were no longer given an extra week of training like they had thought. Which meant any day now, who was flying the mission was going to be chosen. Which meant that I had to deal with the realization that some of my friends could be chosen. I hadn't wanted to bring these thoughts up again, but I couldn't deny them much longer. Soon some people who I consider family, would be leaving for a suicide mission. The thought that I could possibly lose one of them, or several of them, made me sick.
It was clear that the pilots had the same thought process. During the rare moments we did get to spend together, everyone was solemn. No one laughed or joked. We usually just sat in silence and stared at the t.v.. it broke my heart seeing them all this way, but there was nothing I could do. All I could do was keep a brave face and not let them see how everything was effecting me. It was usually easier said then done.
Luckily for us, the one person who didn't know what was going on, was Dax. His mood was unaffected by anything. When the pilots managed to come to our house, Dax saw it as an opportunity to play with some of his best friends. He was a great stress reliever for everyone. He would constantly bring toys to anyone who would play with him. He would preform his tricks in rapid succession, leaving everyone laughing. I had never been more grateful for that dog.
The one pilot I hadn't heard from in days, was Jake. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt. However, part of me was glad he was pushing me away once again. It was easier for me to focus on those who did want to be around me. If Jake wanted to ignore me, then so be it. I had scolded myself enough already for letting myself fall for him again. I knew it was stupid of me. Jake just has this hold on me that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get out of. Right now though, I had to force myself out of it. I know these pilots are under stress, but those around me have chosen to lean on each other for support. After all, they were going to need to rely heavily on each other when this mission starts. If Jake wanted to cope by being alone, then we just had to let him.
________
It was a few days after Nat and Bob's accident when the news finally came through. The pilots flying the mission has been selected. I wasn't aware at the time until Nat had asked if I would meet them at the Hard Deck before it opened.
When I showed up, Nat, Bob, Reuben, Mickey, Coyote, and Bradley, we're all seated at the picnic tables outside. Penny must be here already, because they all had glasses of water in front of them, along with a plate of untouched fries.
"What's going on?" I ask, when I make it over to the group.
"We all just wanted a minute to relax, figured we'd invite you since we were all here." Nat tells me as I take the seat across from her at the table.
It's only noon, and they are all dressed in their civilian clothes. Either training today had been cut short, or there was something else going on.
"Was y'all's training cut short today or something?" I ask again.
"Not really," says Mickey.
Now that I'm looking around, I can tell something is going on.
"What's really going on?" I push, starting to get frustrated that no one is telling me what's happening.
Bradley is the one to finally answer me.
"We found out who will be flying the mission today." He says, his voice keeping a neutral tone.
My heart rate starts to pick up. I swallow hard.
"Who was picked?" My voice is rising now, and I have to force myself to keep it low. I remind myself that I'm not the one about to head into a dangerous situation, they are. It's not fair of me to lose my head.
"Rooster, Payback and Fanboy, Bob and I," Nat trails off for a second before picking back up, "and Hangman was declared mission leader."
Now I'm really not breathing as I take in the news. I look around to all their faces. Bradley takes a sip of water. Reuben keeps his face neutral. Mickey gives me a sad smile. Bob keeps his gaze on Nat, and Nat is watching me.
I'm frozen in my seat. It's all of them. All of the people closest to me have been chosen. I had assumed a few of them would be going, but not all of them. I don't know what to say. Neither does anyone else, because the table remains silent for several minutes. Bradley breaks the silence again.
"Hangman is mission leader. I'll be his wingman. Phoenix and Bob will fly in with him while Payback and Fanboy fly with me. This mission is going to suck, but we knew that when we signed up for this. It's not going to be easy, but there is no way in hell any of us are going down without a fight." Bradley does his best to sound optimistic, but it falls on deaf ears for the most part.
Reuben holds up his glass of water to clink it with Bradley's in a silent cheers. He's right of course. These pilots are going to do what they have trained years for. They know how to do their job and they do it well. I need to have a little faith in them. I glance around at them all again.
"Where is Jake?" I ask now. I'm not surprised he's not here, but he was just selected to be the one responsible for all of them. I can't imagine he's doing okay bearing that weight.
"He was here for a little, then decided to go for a walk down the beach." Bob tells me. I look down to the waters edge and scan my eyes back and forth. I can't seem him though.
"I'm going to go look for him. I'll be back in a few minutes." I tell the group. No one says anything as I rise and head down to the water. Maybe they were hoping Hangman would come back to join them.
I look down to my right and eventually see a figure that resembles Jake. I pick up my pace as I head for him.
It doesn't take me long to reach him. He's just standing facing the water, his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans.
"Hey," I say to him. He must not have noticed me, because he jumps slightly at my voice.
"Hey," is all he says in response.
"I heard the news, how are you feeling?"
It takes him a minute before answering. "About as good as one can be when they learn they are going to be responsible for five pilots during a suicide mission."
"Isn't that what you wanted though? You told me it had to be you." I remind him of one of our earlier conversations.
"It is what I wanted. Doesn't mean the reality of it isn't hitting me like a fucking truck." He says, anger clear in his tone. I know it's not directed towards me though. He's overwhelmed right now and I don't blame him.
I struggle finding the right words to say to him. What do you even say to someone in a situation like this? Since he's been back here he's been torturing these pilots in the air with his egotistical ways. Forcing them all to want to beat him in any way that they can. I'm not sure if his efforts were successful or not. Judging by the attitude back at the table though, I don't think they are disappointed in Jake being the leader.
"None of the others seem upset that you are mission leader."
"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean I'm taking this position lightly. I know I'm not their first choice."
"I know it doesn't." I'm at a loss of what to say again, so instead I just sink down to the sand. Surprisingly, he follows my lead, sitting only a few inches from me.
"I just don't want to fuck this up. I've messed up a lot in my career, this can't be another time I screw up. All of those pilots have to come home, and I'm going to make sure they do. No matter what it costs." He picks up a shell and chucks it as hard as he can out into the ocean. The waves swallow it up instantly.
"I've told you this a million times Jake, but you can't control everything. It doesn't matter how bad you want too. All you can do is stay focused out there and communicate with them. That's the only way you guys are going to get through this." I catch my breath for a second before continuing. "I have no idea what y'all are about to go do, but I do know that if anyone is able to make sure everyone stays safe, it's you. You just have to make sure you stay safe too."
He turns to look at me for the first time now. His eyes are filled with anguish. It's clear his mind hasn't turned off since finding out the news. He looks back toward the water, but his hand finds mine in the sand. His fingers interlock with mine and he holds on to me tightly. As if I'm the only thing keeping him grounded in this moment. All of my earlier feelings and frustrations with him disappear. I know how Jake works, and I know all of this isn't easy for him. He's scared, just like the rest of them are. He just won't admit it.
"Promise me you'll make sure that you all come home." I tell him. His fingers squeeze mine again.
"I'll do my best," he says. It's a good a promise as I'm going to get right now.
We fall into silence again. Just staring out into the ocean, our hands staying locked together. I'm content to stay like this for a while though.
"We leave in the morning," he tells me. I take a heavy breath in. I knew they were going to be leaving soon. I didn't realize today was the last chance I'd get to seen them before they do. We aren't far from the Hard Deck, and when I turn around to look at it, I see they are all still sitting at the table.
"How long will you be gone?"
"About two weeks most likely. We have to fly to the nearby location then hitch a ride to the carrier. From there I'm not sure how long everything will take."
Two weeks, I could live with that. It's going to be an agonizing two weeks though. I glance back at the group again. Finding it hard to believe that tomorrow they will all be leaving. I don't even get one of them to stay with.
"Will I be able to contact any of y'all?"
"Probably not. Not unless we receive permission to call you. Only way you'll hear is if Nat is hurt. You are her emergency contact right?"
I nod.
"Then that's probably the only way you will hear anything. We most likely won't be allowed to call unless given permission, or until we are headed home."
I nod again, taking in the information. I'm familiar with having no contact with Nat while she is out on assignments. Usually she is able to call at least once or twice to inform me that everything is going okay though. I try and tamp down the rising anxiety in my chest. I must squeeze Jake's hand subconsciously, because he gives me a reassuring squeeze back.
"I told you though, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure they all come back in one piece."
"What about you though?" I ask. "Who looks after you?"
My questions seems to catch him off guard. He seems to think about it for a minute then shrugs.
"I'm not as important that I get back. They are my priority."
"Bullshit," I yell. His head snaps around to look at me. He's shocked by my outburst. "You know full well that I need you coming back just as much as I need all of them. So don't pull this self sacrificing bullshit with me." I've let go of his hand now and have moved my body to fully face him. "I need you to come home just as badly as all of them. So don't sit here and act as if your life doesn't matter as much as theirs. I may not have a single clue what is going on between us right now, but I know that I still love you. So that means that every single one of you is coming back or so help me I'll come find you and kill you myself."
I'm just as surprised as he is with my outburst, but I don't care. I needed to say it just as much as he needed to hear it. I can tell by his attitude that he feels as though he won't be returning home from this mission, and that is a mentality that he absolutely can not have going into this. He needs to know he has people waiting for him here just like all the others.
He's watching my face closely as my chests heaves. My anxiety is threatening to surface now. I'm struggling to keep it down. Jake seems to sense this though and surprises me by once again, grabbing the back of my neck and kissing me. His strong grip slides me through the sand until I'm pressed up against him. My hands quickly move to grab ahold of him. One hand tangling in his blonde hair while the other grabs hold of his arm. This time, it's me who needs grounding. The hand on the back of my neck now slides down to cup my check. His other hand mirrors the position as he holds my face.
His lips are salty against mine. At first he doesn't ask for anything more, but the second he feels my fingers curl tighter in his hair, he rushes to deepen the kiss. His mouth parts open. I quickly pick up on what he's doing and match him. My mouth opens as well and the kiss turns into something more. His tongue begins to explore my mouth. More like remember my mouth, because suddenly the kiss goes from desperate and all consuming, to one of familiarity and comfort. Kissing him now makes me melt harder into him. I'm taken back to a year ago when he was the most incredible thing in my life. When he made me feel safer and more secure then anyone ever had before. He's doing it again now. Whether he realizes it or not.
He pulls away, but only enough for our lips to part. Our foreheads stay pressed together as we breathe heavily. One of his hands moves down to my waist while the other pets down the length of my hair. I let my own hands fall onto his lap.
"Now you have even more of a reason to make sure you all come home safe." I say into the small space between us.
His pupils are heavily dilated. A small smile cracks on his lips.
"I definitely do."
I start to pull back, but before I get to far, he uses the hand still on my neck to pull me back in for a quick peck on the lips.
The earlier kiss was so much more then just a kiss for both of us though. Now it was his turn to promise me that he is going to do everything he can to make sure everyone gets back safely. I believe him too, because if any of them can, it's Jake. He's got a fantastic team behind him. I don't know what they are going to face in a few days, but all I can do is hope and pray that my friends and family all make it home in one piece at the end of these two weeks.
Like everything else in my life though, nothing ever goes the way you I want it too.
YOU ARE READING
The Altruistic Pilot: A Jake Seresin TopGun fan fiction
Fanfiction"Altruism is the term you use for a self sacrificing person. Someone who would lay down their life if it meant that others had a chance at living. I'd say that description fit Jake pretty well. He always came across as an asshole, but deep down, the...
