Rear View [Zayn centric]

Chapter 19

Zain and Jawaad didn't talk much on their way back home. Zain was probably trying to process everything, making up his mind to never come back, and Jawaad knew better than disturbing him. He looked so tired, so broken, that Jawaad wasn't sure what he should do, if they had made the right decision, if the Zee he knew would ever come back. And that is when Zain started talking to him, in urdu this time:

"If I'm entirely honest... I'm not sure how to feel" his eyes were glued to his hands, his long fingers playing with the heavy rings on them "It's like I can breath for the first time in years, but I don't have any oxygen left. That was fucking hell, but it was mine. I built it, worked for years on it, I left there my creativity, my voice, my innocence; I found myself there, only to get lost as well. And now I don't even know where I'm lost. I don't know where I am at, what to do with my life. I honestly don't know if I want to live anymore" the last part came so low and so broken that it was barely understandable. "I've made my home inside this hell, and now I have no home, nowhere to be. I'd rather be anywhere, anywhere but here" He closed his eyes for a moment before continuing "I don't even know if I still believe in God. Where was He, when I couldn't get out of bed? Where was He, when I was criticized and attacked for believing in Him? I lost my way completely, I don't even know who the fuck I am." Jawaad was tearing when Zain looked at him for the first time, and he immediately regretted telling him all that. Not only he was hurting himself, but everyone surrounding him.

"When we get home, we're gonna pray all together. With your baba and my ammi, okay? And your mum and sisters will be there, too, with delicious food. Daniaal is coming as well, alright? It's gonna be fine, Zee, you'll see" And Zain didn't know if he was telling that to calm himself or to actually calm him. And it didn't matter, because when he got to close his eyes to rest for the rest of the flight, his heart felt lighter.

***

His mum cried when he saw them walking with all the luggage in hand and the permanent sad face that took over Zain's beautiful features, which lately seemed to always be in pain. She let out an inhuman sob that stabbed her son to death. He came as fast as he could to her and embraced her tiny frame with his skinny one, sinking in the familiarity of her smell and letting himself sigh in the warm she emanated. It felt so right, he knew right then he had made the correct decision. He was saving his own life.

"Are you coming to stay, sonshine?" She whispered, and when he hugged her with harder, a verbal answer wasn't needed.

In no time his baba and sisters were hugging him too, along with her aunties and cousins that had heard the news. Some of them were pretty disappointed, but he couldn't care less. He finally had time to think and to sleep all those hours he couldn't during the last four years.

***

It wasn't all that easy during the first days. Terrible nightmares would haunt him until he woke up with the worst anxiety he'd ever experienced. He would cry himself to sleep and then he would open his eyes in the middle of the night just to be met with a crowd of a thousand tears. He lost weight, again, because he ended up vomiting everything he ate, and he could barely get out of bed. His legs felt so weak he didn't trust them to carry him downstairs without falling. All his limbs felt so numb but so painful. And for a moment, physical sorrow was even a relief, a reminder that he was still alive, that he was breathing, that his mind hadn't killed him yet. And Zain didn't know what was worse, because being alive was a fucking hell. And his bandmates hadn't even tried to contact him, not even to know if he was coming back.

One night it became unbearable. He woke up to a panic attack not even his mother was able to calm, his eyes so big and scared that it seemed like he was facing death. His small body was shaking so bad, and his screams were so loud and frantic that his family didn't know if he was crying in urdu or in english. It didn't matter, because the linguistic barrier beat all the doubts with the grief that was palpable on his voice.

His mother tried to calm him singing a soft melody while caressing the messy black locks, instructing him how to breath slowly with her, reminding him that he wasn't going to die. Not while she was there, taking care of her sonshine. When the screams were nothing but low sobs, Trisha let herself cry a bit too, because it was so scary, and she felt so lost. She prayed for the sanity of her son, and regretted every single night having woke him up that morning.

"I don't wanna come back" Zain mumbled so low and so thick, that words were difficult to distinguish. But his mother knew, even if she didn't understand a word, what he was saying. She'd knew it since he came back in the middle of the tour, and since he hadn't left the bed for four days in a row. She knew it before Zain did. "Please, don't make me come back" And he sounded so young and lost, it reminded her of the first time a kid called him a racist slur and he came crying to his baba because he didn't understand. And it broke her all over again.

"You don't have to, jaan. You can stay here, alright?" He nodded, hugging her even closer.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I disappointed you. I didn't mean to." She shushed him and kept petting his hair quietly. "Imma call Harreh, mum. I gotta tell him, that i'm not coming back. That I can't."

"Alright baby, you know what it's best. I'll be in my bedroom if you need anything, okay?" When he nodded, she left the room. For a moment he doubted if he would be able to do it, to face the reality he tried so hard to avoid, but it didn't matter anymore. He had to do it.

"Hello?" Harry's voice sounded tired, but there was a hint of surprise on his tone that meant he wasn't expecting Zain to call him, not when it was the middle of the night in the UK. "Z? Are you there?" He asked when his initial greeting didn't get an answer. And before he could say anything else, a sob broke through the speaker, breaking Harry's heart as well. "Zee? What's-what's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"Yeah, Harreh" he said, "i'm hurt. It hurts so much..."

"What hurts, Zain?" Harry cut him, desperation getting to his tone, worried to hear someone as stubborn as Zain crying, and feeling useless for being on the other side of the world.

"It's... It's inside. My chest is burning, H, I can't. I can't do this anymore." he broke into tears again, and this time, Harry did too. Because Zain's mum was not the only one who knew this was coming, Harry was too.

"Are you coming back?"

"I can't. If I do, I'll die, H, I will fucking die" He cried harder, and kept repeating "I can't" while sobs escaped his lips without any control.

"Okay Zee, I get it, I know. I knew this was coming, I just didn't think it would be so soon... I don't know what to say. What are you going to do? Management is going fucking nuts because they are already making an alternative plan in case you... in case this happened but I-I, I don't want to do this without you. Zee, what are we even going to do?" Harry knew he was rambling, but he couldn't help it. He suddenly felt a weight on his shoulders because this moment, Zain's breaking point, could have been avoided so easily..., but it was now too late, and not even the most egoistic part of him would ask Zain to stay, because deep down he knew the older boy was right, he would die if he kept trying.

"I don't give a shit about management. I can't do this to myself, it's just too much. I can't, I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys before, I'm sorry I haven't said goodbye. I wasn't there anymore these past few weeks and I'm just, I-I don't know." He kept crying for a while, none of them saying anything, just being silent together, making up their minds for what was coming.

Eventually, Zain felt asleep on the phone, leaving Harry conflicted on what he should do, if he should tell the rest of the boys or if he should wait until Zain did, knowing that they wouldn't take it all too well, and only imagining how their reactions could hurt Zain even deeper.