Rear View [Zayn centric]

Chapter 5

Lately Zain didn't feel like eating. This was due to two reasons: the first one was that he didn't really have the time to stop and eat anything decent, and the second one was that he didn't want to. Every little aspect of his life was controlled by a bunch of people that only cared about making a money machine out of him, and he didn't want to be a part of this show anymore. The only thing he could actually control, was food. And so he did.

He would skip meals to the point of going two or three days without eating a single thing. He was fine with it. He could bear it. It was easier this way, he felt better with himself. And the boys didn't seem to notice it. Except they did.

"Do you guys think he's eating with us today?" Niall told the rest of the group after a long day of photo shooting. Liam didn't say a thing – lately he didn't when it was related to Zain – and Louis shook his head, disappointed on his band mate.

"I'm gonna get him" Harry said, being the only one brave enough to face the situation.

When he went to look for Zain, and he saw the state of the boy, he felt like he couldn't breathe properly. The poor thing was dressed on grey sweatpants and a big shirt that probably wasn't his, slept on an uncomfortable couch they had on the house the five lads shared. He had shaved that very morning because he was told so in order to appear on the photo shoot, but his hair was longer than it usually was – as a protest. It warmed Harry's heart. Zain was letting his hair grow – being very aware of the consequences it had – to show Harry he supported him on growing his own hair out. Their management had forbidden it, but Harry really wanted it long and that was how Zain did show him that he was with him. That is how Zain was: selfless. And it was taking a toll on him. He was visibly tired, his usually relaxed sleeping face was now a big frown that took away all the harmony on his delicate features. He was all prominent cheekbones and furrowed eyebrows and skinny legs and big purple circles under his heavenly hazel eyes. And it broke Harry's heart to pieces.

Zain was never the one to complain. He'd go with the flow and he'd always make sure that the rest of them were fine, physically and mentally. He cared so much about them it was ridiculous. He looked at all of them like they hung the moon and the stars and he never had any problem on showing it and being affectionate towards them. They became his family when he was put away of the one of his own, and he would never let anything bad happen to them. And this had brought him more bad than good. Like the time he almost got in a fight with a paparazzi because he got Niall pushed to the ground. Or all the times he had defended Harry on interviews when he was called womanizer. How he sacrificed himself so Liam could write and sing more solos and show how his voice shone during bridges or low and high notes. And that one time when he and Louis were smoking weed and Zain took all the responsibility from the both of them by himself, so the other lad's reputation was kept intact. He would do those things over and over again, just to keep his boys happy and healthy.

But no one did that for him.

No one stood by him when he was told to shut up on interviews. No one stood up by him when their management forbid him to talk about his religion nor when he was told not to speak Urdu anymore. No one was there for him when interviewers were being extremely racist towards him or were making him feel uneasy because of his own personality. And no one was there when he was screaming for help during the panic attacks that assaulted him before every fucking concert. Those times, he was left alone with his mind wandering through the darkest places, and none of them seemed to care enough, and he didn't want to worry them that much. So he thought it was all his fault, again.

Harry wasn't thinking about any of that while he was looking at the boy. He couldn't find the strength to wake him up, because he seemed so tired and hopeless, and he knew the small amount of sleep they were going to get once they started the tour, and how it was going to affect Zain. Because he was the one who suffered the most with those sleep patterns. But he also knew that the boy needed to eat even more that he needed to sleep. So he started shaking him up a bit.

"Zee... Zee it's lunch time. We were going to get something to eat, what do you think?" He told him, in vain, because the other lad didn't even move. So he kept trying. "Zain, c'mon, wake up. Zee" When he started to stiffen and he opened his eyes, Harry couldn't help but smile. Zain had such beautiful eyes. They were dark brown whenever he was angry or upset, but they turned into a soft shade of hazel that seemed to have yellow sparks whenever the boy talked about his sisters or about music or about his home. Or when he just woke up, which was the only time his eyes shone lately, and it was in pure confusion and loss.

"What time is it?" He asked Harry, and if he wasn't so used to his thick accent, he wouldn't have understood him.

"It's lunch time. Let's go, the boys are waiting for us downstairs" Harry moved from the bed towards the door, but Zain didn't wake up and he couldn't even look at the other boy in the eye while he was waiting for him to move. Harry thought it was because he was still half asleep, but truth is, it wasn't.

"M'not hungry right now. Sorry." He said, and turned his back tho the pale boy, who was confused.

"Oh, but it can't be truth. Yesterday you didn't have dinner with us, and you woke up late this morning so you didn't have breakfast either. And yesterday at lunch time..." Harry got lost on his own mind. He couldn't remember the last time Zain had had a meal with them. "When was the last time you ate something, mate?" He asked Zain, and he didn't even know if he wanted an answer.

"Dunno" He said, and shrugged. He didn't feel like talking or like being accompanied right now, not when he was feeling so low.

"And why don't you come with us?"

"'Cause I don't want to, H. M'sorry" Harry couldn't understand what was happening. Why wouldn't Zain want to spend time with them? He was always so happy whenever they had some free time to just hang out together and forget all the pressure they constantly had on their backs. But lately things had changed, and they barely recognized the boy in front of them.

Zain went back to sleep and Harry came downstairs with the rest of the band. As soon as they noticed that he was alone, and grief was painted all over his face, they became worried. Harry was usually calmed and it was really hard to startle him in anyway, and now there he was. With his eyes big and kind of scared, his lips closed in a fine line and his eyebrows furrowed while he looked down, not making eye contact with any of them.

"Harry? What happened? Where's Zain?" Louis asked, not really expecting and answer from the younger boy.

"I don't know, boys. He acted so weird when I woke him up..." He didn't really know what to say.  There were no words to express the feeling of sadness that was everywhere since they little ball of joy was sleeping upstairs wanting to disappear. "He is not himself anymore"

"I hate when he acts that way. For fuck's sake, what is he even thinking about?" Liam said running his fingers through his hair. "We suffer too. We are tired too. We work as hard as he does, if not more. What's wrong with him now?"

"Are you listening to yourself Liam? Oh my God, I don't recognize him, but I don't know who you are either." Harry told him, his eyes focused on the brunette boy that used to be all smiles and sweetness.

"I'm just saying the truth, Haz! We have a lot of campaigns to do plus the ones that are already on! We can't lose time to this matter anymore, 'cause we don't have it!"

"Alright Liam, I think that's enough. It is Zain we are talking about. He is with us, he is our brother. We have to support him, so stop talking shit bro" Niall said patting his shoulder. Liam couldn't believe them. Did they not care about their future? The band's future?

"Guys? Are you on drugs or what? We are at the peak of our careers. We've worked so hard to get to this point... I don't know about you, but I'm not letting this go because I'm tired or sad or I don't know what. This was our dream, remember? We've fought to..." Louis cut him off, not wanting to listen to his shits any longer.

"You are fucking delusional. It is my brother you are talking about, and I thought it was yours as well, so clean your fucking dirty mouth before you talk about him like that!" He shouted, and left to his own room, leaving the other three boys speechless. All of them knew Louis was sad and felt betrayed because of the way Zain was acting, because they were brothers before anything else. So, the three boys left just looked at each other without really knowing what to do, until Niall spoke.

"I think we should take a break before the tour starts, so we could talk to the management. But for now, we should order our food , don't ya think?" He said, and the other two boys smiled at him.