some days, i have these urge to tear everything i write.
some days, i am convince that people i write about deserve to be here in my secret hell book.
some days, i would justify and say "don't delete everything, they might be a memory for you to look back of how much you have become."
and some days, i wouldn't want to write at all because of the fear of being sued from the dramas i caused
i don't understand myself most of the time
maybe, i got it from my childhood trauma
you know, i pour everything out here through writing because i don't have someone to talk to.
or maybe, i just don't like to talk to people at all.
i could trust them, i know.
but i don't trust myself.
i wrote terrible things about this person and then, the next seconds, i feel at ease.
that's how i handle stress.
but when i saw this person who i villainize in my head and writings how they are suffering
i wouldn't thought that it was their own karma
but i would blame myself for i made them my subject of words without any knowledge that they are now the victim of my pen game.
i would sit still and erase every word that i type in the keyboard.
when i saw that they are human, my mind pace back and forth.
trying to find alluring and making up words to make them the main character again
making myself the villain.
i read books and watch videos of how the human mind works.
i study the behavior and mental processes.
i learn about the disorders and mental illnesses,
but i cannot still make myself understand each of everyone's situation.
i am this hard knot, entangled from the thoughts of being kind and doing what i want to do.
that's how hard being this egocentric person in your "should've been mature" age.
my wings are stuck from this pull of trauma that my childhood cause me,
i always blame the child i once was before.
i still blame this immature girl why i turned out to be this way
though i know that she's still a child
and a child doesn't know anything
i still blamed her why i am writing right now and not talking to anyone about my problems.
you know, i like writing about other people
i avoid writing about myself
though i already wrote millions of thoughts in here.
i still think that my past was still an unfamiliar mist of glow that shouldn't be lighten up cause they might uncover the truth of a child who lie to everyone just to save herself.
i always cry whenever i remember the story of that girl.
i swear, i already changed.
and if i could meet her, I'll be that older sister who would tell her that she's now gained a lot of fun, kind, trustworthy, and honest friends in the future.
this big sister of yours is now relaxing while she still have pending activities and exams later.
this big sister of yours become a leader multiple times that she now knows how to make research paper.
this big sister of yours is trying to find herself everyday.
trying to change herself everyday
doing her best to survive everyday
practice patience everyday
become independent everyday
wishing and hoping to not blame you about her behavior every day.
this big sister of yours is always waking up every day.
every day.
every.
day.
