If Only, If Only

Anxiety and Lizards!

At the dinner table, I sat at my usual spot by X-Ray.

"Hey sorry about earlier, I had something on my mind," I told him as I stared down at my empty plate. I had gained a lot of healthy weight in my time at camp. Between three meals a day and a lot of physical exercise, I was starting to grow some muscle.

"It's ok," X-Ray said, without even glancing at me.

"So...you still down for a game of 'Pond' later tonight?"

"Yeah, maybe. We'll see." Was X-Ray's response.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I really fucked up, hadn't I? Of course I did, it's what I always do. Why couldn't I have just been nicer? Was it really that fucking hard? He probably hates me now, I don't blame him. Why was I such a bitch?

"You good?" X-Ray's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Hm?" I looked up and saw that he was watching me, concerned.

"I said, 'You good?'" He repeated, "You look like you're hyperventilating."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Are you good? Because I totally am." The words tumbled out of my mouth. "I was being a bitch back there, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I was so rude. I could have just said 'Maybe later', I didn't have to be like 'Oh yeah I'm busy'. I'm really sorry it was totally uncalled for and-"

"Okay, okay, shhh. Seriously though, what are you talking about?" X-Ray interrupted, "You've done nothing wrong."

"Oh," is all I could manage to respond with. It was nice to know that X-Ray understood. We were quiet for a moment, until X-Ray turned back to his food.

So did this mean we were playing 'Pond' later? I couldn't tell. I mean, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to. Technically, I was the one who said I couldn't and didn't pay any attention to him, so he didn't have to play.

X-Ray looked up and it was like he could see what was happening inside my head.

"Dude, calm down. You're shaking." He said, putting his hand on mine.

It was like all the anxiety cramped up in my tiny body was then directed at the place where his skin touched mine. My mind was going crazy, and now my body was too.

I stood up quickly, nearly tipping over the bench I was sitting on. All of Tent D was looking at me with concern now.

"I have to go do something," I announced.

"Hey, Scraps, you okay?" Armpit asked.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah....okay bye," I said and rushed outside. A breath of fresh, cool air would have been nice right about now, but as I opened the doors of the Mess Hall, I was greeted with hot, dusty air.

As I stood outside for a moment, I realized I had no idea what I was going to do. I couldn't go back inside, that would embarrass me even more. I didn't want to go to the tent because I didn't want anyone to find me and talk to me right now, so that left 2 options: The desert, or... Shit. I take it back that leaves 1 option.

I walked out to the desert and looked at the hundreds of holes surrounding me. Ok, never mind again, I had so many places to hide.

I just had to pick a hole, any hole, and I would be left alone.

The hole I chose to sit and sulk in was far enough away from camp that I would be left alone, but not so far that I was going to die and rot out here.

I huddled up to the side of the hole that was covered in shade and tried to listening for sounds I recognized, but I heard nothing. It was as if the heat just fried the sound waves in the air.