If Only, If Only

Zero and Caveman

"What about you Josè? What do you like?" Mom asked Magnet. Mom thought it would be a good idea to try to do another therapy session. I swear this man is an absolute dipshit. His too-high voice made me cringe the whole time. 

"I like animals," Magnet said cheerfully.

"That's what got Magnet sent here in the first place," X-Ray said, making everyone laugh.

"Man, it's criminal the way they keep them locked up in cages!" Magnet protested.

"No, Josè, what you did was criminal," Mom explained. I rolled my eyes.

Squid chimed in, "No, no. Tell 'em Magnet. They wanted a thousand bucks for just one puppy,"

"Yeah! I would've made it out...if my pocket didn't start barking," Magnet said. All the guys laughed, and even Zero was struggling to suppress his laughter. I didn't think it was funny, but I laughed anyway, just happy to know Magnet wasn't a serial killer or some shit.

"You boys get one life," Mom said. I leaned forward in my chair and glared at him. I guess whatever he was going to say next didn't apply to me. "And so far, you've done a pretty good job of screwing it up,". 

Even though I was mad, I tried to contain my laughter. I could see the guys struggling too.

"So, you're Caveman now. Bigshot, got a nickname. Well let me tell you something, Caveman, you are here on account of one person, do you know who that person is?" Mom said, either ignoring or just not hearing our snickers.

"Yeah," Caveman said, sounding unbothered. As Caveman spoke, Zero frowned and looked at him apprehensively. 

"My no-good, dirty-rotten, pig-stealing, great-great-grandfather. That's who it is," Stanley joked.

Again, the joke itself wasn't funny. To me what was funny was the way the others laughed, how light-hearted and happy they seemed at the moment. If they were happy, I was too.

Zero's shoulders relaxed and his expression calmed. 

"No. You screwed up your life, Stanley Yelnats," Mom said, "And it's up to you to fix it,".

Mom never bothered to look at me, I think he liked to pretend I didn't exist, and so I sat up straight and pointed at Caveman, mocking Mom's actions and words. The boys chuckled but Mom remained oblivious. "It's not going to be easy," Mom continued as I mouthed his words, even waving my pointer finger like him. "But you'd be surprised what you can accomplish when you set your mind to it,".

Why should we listen to you? I thought. Mom was a cloud-headed dipshit who was stuck working as a counselor for a bunch of juveniles. I'm not taking advice from him.

"Even Zero here isn't completely worthless," Mom said. I stopped mimicking him and just rolled my eyes again. I wish Mom would just shut up, he was such a dickface. I could see anger in Caveman's eyes when Mom talked like that about Zero.

 "What about you Zero? What do you like to do?" Mom pushed. Zero remained unresponsive, as he should. Zero didn't owe Mom anything.

"You just won't talk with me, will you?" 

"Man, he only talks to Caveman and Scraps, you know?" Armpit called out. 

"You think you're better than all this?" Mom asked, creepily smiling.

Zero's eyes flickered to Caveman's, looking for guidance. Caveman gave a slight nod in Mom's direction. 

"I like diggin' holes," Zero finally muttered.

"Then you're in the right place for it, buddy boy," Mom talked slowly, his voice condescending. I could see the anger and protectiveness in Caveman's eyes, but he remained silent.

I decided to just leave after that. I flat out just got up and left the tent to walk around outside for a bit. Mom didn't stop me. He probably didn't even notice.

The next day, Caveman and I were in the tent. Caveman was reading a letter from his mom and I was reading a book when Zero walked in and lay on his bed.

Caveman chuckled and muttered, "She's crazy,", as he read, which caught Zero's attention.

"What are you laughing at?" Zero asked as he got up to stand over Caveman's shoulder. I looked up from my book, intrigued.

"Uh, just something my mom wrote. She, uh, she said..."I feel sorry for the old lady who lived in the shoe, 'cause it must have smelled really bad,"", Caveman explained with a chuckle. Zero just stared at him blankly.

"You know, like the nursery rhyme?" Caveman asked. Zero continued to just blankly stare at him. After a moment of silence, Caveman continued reading the letter to himself. 

"I-I feel really awkward with you reading over my shoulder like that so..." Caveman said.

"I can't read," Zero said.

I looked down at the book in my hands and felt... I don't know. Guilty? Hell, Zero was so much smarter than me, why did I deserve the ability to read? Sure, life was... rough for me, but there was still a lot to be thankful for.

Zero continued, "Can you teach me?".

"Um...you know I'm...I'm not really a... a good teacher. And uh...I get tired from digging all day, so, I just wanna come back and chill, you know? Just...relax," Caveman said, stuttering like some pick-me bitch. Or someone when they talk to their crush. "See you in there?" Caveman asked, getting up to leave for the rec room.

"I could teach you," I offered Zero once Caveman had left. I honestly hadn't expected Caveman to say no.

Zero just stood for a moment longing before saying, "Do you ever feel...  I don't know. Like there's that one someone who's just different? I can't explain it but...I don't know. Never mind,".

That sounded pretty gay to me and I wasn't going to just stop talking about it because of a 'Never mind'. 

"No, it's okay, keep going. I know what you mean," I said gently, trying not to get Zero to clam up.

"It's just... Caveman's not like everyone else. He doesn't make fun of me, and he just seems so...sweet. He's so easy to talk to. He just seems... so amazing. Like a breath of fresh air. I really thought he would teach me, but maybe I was wrong." 

On the outside I was quiet, but internally I was SCREAMING. Zero was having a full-on gay crisis, and I got to be his wingwoman!

After I calmed down I said, "I'm sure Caveman just didn't know what to say. Give him some time to think about it, he'll come around. I know you're a very important...friend to him, he'll help you."

I was sitting on the floor at the moment, so I had to look up at Zero to see the shy smile growing on his face.