Brandon. Yes, THAT Brandon.

First Time for Everything

Scared?

No, not really scared. I've seen a little bit of his scared, like when we almost got caught the first time he was over at my house.

Angry?

No... I've seen him angry first hand. When I kissed Michael, he was angry. He sucks in his bottom lip and attempts to keep his eyes wide as if nothing is wrong when he's angry.

He's... nervous.

I got hints of nervous when we first met at the party. Except this is a bad nervous. His head is slightly tilted and his eyes look anywhere but me. His stance is awkward, as if he can't get comfortable with one leg bent and arms crossed.

"How long is this going to take?" he asks-a little harshly, if we're being honest. "I mean, I don't want you wasting my-"

"So you start off by insulting me?" I interrupt. "Very effective."

"You called me a bloody fake...?" he says icily. "I don't want to be insulted again either." My goodness I'm sick of everyone being able to play the victim but me.

"You let a girl tell the school about us for thirty freakin' dollars, Logan!" I yell. He rolls his big eyes and shoves me out of the way of the door. "You-you know what? I'm not here to yell at you or argue or anything so just... listen." He stops with an exaggerated sigh, refusing to turn around.

"Listening."

"I'm not mad at you... I can't be."

"I-"

"Listen. Don't talk. You know what? There's something keeping you inside my head and it freaking sucks, Logan. It sucks because I know that if you were anyone else, I'd blow it off and get rid of you. I wouldn't even give you a second look. Do you understand that? Do you understand that you're someone special enough to me that even though you fucked up, I still want you?"

"Why?" he says quietly, turning around on one heel. "That's what you do best. Flick people off of you when they do you wrong."

"Don't make this about me. This is about the way you looked at me at lunch the other day. It's about the fact that I'm in your head, too. Doesn't that suck? It sucks so bad for me, I just wanna scream." Logan says nothing, but drums his fingers against the tile wall. "Doesn't it suck that the only thing that separates us is an apology? Look, I've done a lot of stupid shit and messed up a lot of good things, but this time? It wasn't me and I won't-I can't take the blame for this, okay? I've piled up a lot of people's mistakes and hardships on my shoulders... don't make me take the blame for this, too."

His mouth is sealed shut. His nostrils flare and it looks like he's about to cry.

"Hey, like I said, I'm not mad at you. The bad thing is, I'd be willing to take you back whether you apologize or not, and that's exactly why you need to do it. If you really care about me, you'll give it some thought and just... it's one word, Logan. Geezus. It's not that hard."

"I don't know." The words are quick, chopped.

"Then figure it out."

"I. Don't. Know."

"Figure. It. Out."

***

I feel like a badass.

I'm proud of myself and I think it's damn alright to say so. A few days ago, I probably would've been a jumbled mess of emotions and flailing arms.

I really like Logan. I'm not ever going to deny that as long as it's true. However, it's time for me to start taking charge of what I want. Like Shelby said (not directly, but in sub speak) I let people walk all over me. I let myself get paranoid because other people don't like who I am or who I'm friends with.