♠ ♦ Alice in Borderland ♣ ♥

43

In the past few hours I haven't been able to do anything but two things: staring at the card with the jack of clubs on it and rubbing my wrist as if that bracelet is still on it. I prefer not to close my eyes and go over my temple with my index fingers, because then I can see all those people still lying on the floor with a hole through their heads, smoking.

I feel so many different things. On the one hand I feel sorry for them; they thought they had cleared the game, only to find out too late that they were going to die anyway. On the other hand I feel anger for the dead players, because they couldn't muster the decency to help another. That's why they died. That anger turns into guilt and then it starts all over again.

Sosuke was the jack of clubs from the start and joined his own game. He had always known there would be a point where he would die. He had long since embraced that point, but it took him playing his own game four times to get there. I was convinced I was going to die. That Soran was going to die. That Yuki would die. In my last moments I wanted nothing more than to be with them, and now all three of us sit here stunned, staring blankly ahead. We need to change that, because we're still alive. We have to move on.

'The jack of hearts,' I say out of the blue. I see Soran looking at me from the corner of his eye, but Yuki doesn't budge. 'Do you think we should go there?' Now Yuki turns his head towards me. 'To the next psychopath?' he says a bit sharper than I expected. 'Why? Why should we listen to a maniac we almost gave our lives for?'

'I didn't almost give my life for him,' Soran says immediately, 'and neither did you.' Yuki glances at me before looking away again. 'We were almost at that point,' Soran continues, 'so we wouldn't renounce ourselves, because we put the meaning of our lives above existence itself. We have been rewarded for that.'

'I don't really call it a reward to see seventeen corpses in one day,' Yuki mumbles, staring straight ahead. You can tell from the intonation in his voice that he feels terrible. Without thinking about it I move myself on the couch next to him. 'Yuki...' I slowly bring my hand to his arm. At first he turns his body away from me a little, but when I want to pull my hand back I'm surprised that he puts his on it. I can tell from the strength with which he holds me that he doesn't want me to leave.

'The king of spades is still out there,' I say softly. 'And although we're all not exactly thrilled to play another game, it's a guaranteed safety from him. Sosuke didn't seem hostile towards us and seemed willing to give us answers. Because of him, we know there is a real possibility to return to the real world. If that jack of hearts wants to give us those answers...'

'But who's to say he's actually going to do that? Who's to say we won't be stuck again?'

'You're right,' Soran says, 'we can't know, but as Kairi said... He seemed willing to give us answers, but he didn't have the time anymore. He really believed that the game will do us good.'

'It's a game of hearts,' Yuki retorts, 'when has such a game ever done us any good?!' My first thought goes to the capsule hotel, where we lost Chichiro. Then I think of the courthouse and the question game with the colours. He's right. Games of hearts never bode well. But...

'My first game of hearts paid off for me,' I say softly. My first reaction is to withdraw my hand and break our contact as I avert my eyes from him, but Yuki holds me too tight. So I lower the volume of my voice even more. 'That's where I met you,' I add softly. His grip loosens before it gets stronger. When I see him looking at me from the corner of my eye, I look back.

The sudden warm glow in his eyes makes me feel strange again. At first he had seemed lost, but after my statement he seems to have found hope again. He looks at me long and searchingly with that look in his eyes. I feel my cheeks glow and want to look away, but I can't seem to. Fortunately he's the one who does it in the end. His eyes move from me to Soran. 'Do you really think playing the jack of hearts will get us answers? That we won't regret it?'

'We'll never know the latter in advance,' Soran mumbles, 'but I'm quite sure of the former. Sosuke seemed willing to cooperate with us. If he says the jack of hearts is helping us get ready for our return to the real world, I'd like to believe that.'

'The real world,' Yuki mumbles. His muscles seem to have suddenly gone limp. I feel his hand slip away and the contact between us is broken. He stares into the distance for a while. 'How will it be there? What if the mark of Borderland never leaves us?' Soran and I would both like to give a more positive answer, but we can't. 'Fine,' Yuki says, suddenly distant again. He gets up and doesn't look at us. 'Tomorrow we leave for the jack of hearts, assuming the game is still not full yet.' Since the new phase, that game hasn't been played once. It seems as if the players in Borderland want to postpone the hearts games as long as possible.

I watch Yuki walk out of the living room and can't help but sigh. His reaction is completely understandable, but it still hurts to see him like this. On the one hand it makes me nauseous when he's so close to me, but also when he's far away from me it feels like I can't get any rest.

'Hey,' Soran says quietly as he sits down next to me on the couch. He pulls the corners of his mouth up slightly, but his eyes don't shine. 'Hey,' I say back. We look at each other for a while, then he puts his arm around me and pulls me towards him. I rest my head on his shoulder and embrace the sense of security that is so rare lately. 'The end is in sight,' he says. 'On the one hand it seems so long ago that we woke up in the school corridors in this world, but if you told me it was only yesterday, I'd believe you, too.' I sigh. 'I understand exactly what you mean.'

'It's going to be okay, Kairi. We're going back home.' I pull my head back and give him a long, inquiring look. 'You really believe that, don't you?' He nods and pulls the corners of his mouth back up. 'Of course I do,' he replies. 'I promised you that. I would do anything to make sure you go back to your parents.'

'I thought we changed that promise to "we",' I tell him. He doesn't reply. 'How will that continue later on?' I ask, sighing. 'Yuki is right: can we ever live our lives normally when we go back? Can I ever walk the streets of Tokyo again and not think about the locations where we've seen people die?'

'It's going to be tough,' Soran agrees, putting his hand on mine, 'but we'll make it possible.' His warmth feels so comfortable and comforting that it makes me feel guilty. I shake my head and fight back the tears. 'But how, Soran? How?!' I feel my lip trembling. 'How can we ever do anything normal again? Just take our final exams, just choose a study, just continue?'

'It won't be "normal",' he replies directly, 'it never will be, but I believe that gradually we will be able to resume our lives. Step by step. We will process everything that happened here and move on. We don't have to do this alone: we have each other. You've got me, Kairi, and when everything has landed... maybe you can find out if Yuki and you...'

'What?' I mumble, my cheeks starting to burn. 'I mean...' Soran mumbles, at which point our conversation has suddenly become awkward. 'Of course you don't have to right away... I mean, well... I think he likes...' He sighs awkwardly. 'I just mean to say it's not just going to rot. There will also be a lot of good things. There could be a possibility that you will grow even closer when this is over.'

'I thought you never liked him,' I say coyly and awkwardly. 'You never wanted him near me.' Soran sighs with a shaking head and then slaps his hand over his head. 'That was stupid of me. I didn't know him at all. I thought I had to protect you from everything and everyone in this world, but now I see that I don't have to. You save yourself. Besides, Yuki means anything but harm to you, anyone can see that.'

I'm not ready at all to have this conversation with him, or anyone for that matter. I can't deal with that right now. 'He's just nice,' I mumble, and Soran's mouth curls back up. 'He's probably just protective of me because of Mom and Dad.' Now there's a smile on his lips. 'Maybe that's how it started,' Soran replies with an incipient grin, 'but that's definitely not the case anymore. And you did your best to keep him safe, too, perhaps more than you would for a mere acquaintance.'

'Soran!' I hiss as I gently punch him on the shoulder. 'Come on, he's right there!' Soran starts laughing and looks at me intently. 'You're right,' he says, 'you'd probably rather discuss this with a girl than your cousin.'

The word "cousin" has a weird effect on me. He tells nothing but the truth with that word, yet it suddenly feels so incredibly distant. I cut off my thoughts here and now.

'Survive tomorrow's game first,' I say as I get up, 'and then we'll see.' Soran doesn't argue with me, but still keeps grinning. I can see in his eyes that he still has hope. Hopefully I can continue to do the same.