♠ ♦ Alice in Borderland ♣ ♥

1

The sound of my parents' cheerful laughter is a pleasant greeting upon entering. It ensures that I'm temporarily able to put aside the fraught restlessness I feel inside. It doesn't disappear immediately, but right now it doesn't outweigh the joy that is forming in my body. My father holds up my mother's hand and makes her spin around. Completely out of sync with the music they keep on dancing, to which he holds her in a loving embrace and places a kiss on her head. I'm leaning against the door frame, looking at the scene with an unavoidable smile on my face.

My mother is the first to notice my presence. With a laugh, she breaks free from the embrace and turns the volume of the music down a bit while putting her arm around my father's waist. 'Mom! Dad!' she yells at me teasingly. 'Ew!' As soon as my father realizes I'm there, he puts his arms around my mother again and gives her a few more kisses, this time on her cheek. When he sees that I'm not bothered by it, but just smile even wider, he remarks: 'Isn't it of this age to be ashamed of your parents' behaviour?'

'Your behaviour is never shameful,' I reply as I enter the kitchen and join them. They kindly put their arms around me and I allow them to hug me. I have always admired the love they have and share with other people. It inspires me to find something positive in everything and to want to do the right thing.

We look up at the sound of stumbling on the staircase. 'Kairi, have you seen my calculator somewhe-' Soran starts from the hallway, but as soon as he stands in the doorway and sees us standing together, he doesn't finish his sentence. 'Oh,' he mumbles, 'sorry, I didn't mean to barge in like that.'

My first reaction is to immediately cut myself off contact with my parents to protect Soran's feelings, but their hold doesn't weaken. 'To barge in?' my mother says, shaking her head. 'Dear Soran, don't be silly.' My father agrees with her. 'We start the day with a family hug,' he says. My parents both extend one arm invitingly and look at my cousin expectantly. He clearly doesn't know what to do. He looks at me doubtfully, as if he's waiting for me to approve. I raise the corners of my mouth slightly to reassure him. He shuffles closer to us uncomfortably and gets involved in the group hug. The moment when we all break free from contact causes some discomfort, especially with Soran and me. I quickly try to let it go away.

'Your calculator?' I ask, to which he nods. 'I think you left it on the table alongside your notes last night.' I walk through the open kitchen towards the table. Soran takes advantage of the moment and walks with me. My mother turns the music back on and continues preparing our lunch boxes with my father.

I want to softly ask him if he's okay, but Soran quickly seems to want to talk about something else. 'Ah, there it is,' he sighs with relief. He grabs the thing and holds it up for a moment. 'It's hard to take a math exam without a calculator.'

'Speaking of which,' my father interjects as he begins to fumble in one of the drawers, 'take these with you.' He walks over to us and fills Soran's empty hand with some extra batteries. 'They always come in handy,' he adds with a wink. 'You never know when they'll run out. Before you know it, you'll have to solve all those questions out of your head!' My parents share a laugh as they think of a memory, but that same memory causes a knot to form in my stomach that keeps getting bigger and bigger. 'And yet he managed to pass that exam,' my mother says, proudly. She closes our lunch boxes and re-joins us. 'How smart our Kaito is,' my father agrees.

Until almost three years ago, I was still unfamiliar with the heart-breaking pain that the realization of a "past tense" can cause to a person. He used to be. He was smart.

I don't want to suppress the happy mood with which my parents started the day, but I would prefer to yell at them. They refuse to talk about my brother as the reality is and continue to torment me with that miserable present tense, as if he's still among us and could walk into the room at any moment. That's not the case. He'll never be able to do that anymore.

'Thanks for the lunch, Mom,' I say, reaching for the box and putting it in my bag. 'See you tonight.' My parents look at each other guiltily for a moment, then my father mumbles: 'I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry I talked about Kaito in the pre-'

'It's okay,' I quickly say, trying to hide the fact that hearing his name is causing my stomach to twinge. 'We have to go,' I say hastily, 'see you tonight.' I want to sling my backpack over my shoulder, but my father puts his hands on my arms gently and looks at me with a sad expression on his face. 'How stupid of me, I should've thought of it. Especially now that it will be three years ago, next month...'

Talking about my dead brother still makes me sad, especially in difficult moments like these, but I promised my parents that I wouldn't shut myself off anymore. 'It's not your fault,' I try to say through my moist eyes with a sad smile. 'I'm glad you're ready to talk about him in that way, but...'

'But you're not there yet.' My father squeezes my arm encouragingly. 'I'm sorry, dear.' I shake my head and wrap my arms around him. 'It's okay, Dad. I'll get there.' I hate not knowing if I'm lying to him right now, but I have to stay strong for my parents. Especially now that they seem to be doing a lot better and they seem to be picking things up again, it's important that I do the same. I lean back and place my hand on my father's shoulder. 'I'll get there,' I repeat. I say it with such conviction that I almost start to believe it myself. Yet it hurts so much to force the tears back into my eyes, that it makes my throat sting.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder for real this time and bow my head respectfully before turning and walking towards the door. 'Thanks for the extra batteries and for the lunch,' I hear Soran mumble before he comes after me. The door had just slammed shut behind us when I heave a deep sigh and swallow a few times.

'I'm sorry,' Soran mumbles, bending his head to the ground. I'm not sure what for and I hate to see him so embarrassed and sad, so I shake my head. 'It's okay,' I try to tell him, 'I'll be fine.' He seems very unsure, but then he slowly brings his hands to me, as if he's giving me the option to turn away. When I don't, he puts his hand on my shoulder and gives me an encouraging squeeze. There are all kinds of pained emotions in his eyes. I know that he not only sympathizes with me, but that he's also hurting himself. Not only have parents lost their child and a sister her brother, but a cousin who was much loved has also been lost. Especially after everything that has happened, it must be hard for Soran to live with us now.

'Are you okay?' I ask him. He shrugs and sighs. 'I'll get there.' He doesn't need to explain anything anymore: I understand exactly what he means.

'Come on,' I say, placing my hand on his for a moment and giving him a small squeeze, 'we can still catch the subway.'