♠ ♦ Alice in Borderland ♣ ♥

34

I had hoped the cool water would do wonders, but I should've known it wouldn't make me feel any better. Maybe nothing could make me feel better, except for impossible things like going home or going back three years to keep my brother from dying. Kaito. It really has been three years since he died, according to my calendar.

Lately I had gotten a little better at that, but certainly on the memorial date I allow myself to think of him. I get to the happy memories and hard times we went through together and let them run through my mind, even though it hurts.

I drop myself into the water and look at the stars with a small smile on my lips. The determination with which Kaito trained with Soran to climb Mount Fuji has always been admirable. After his death, Soran had lost his motivation to continue training, but the thought of a future in the Navy has given him that hope back. It's nice that he has already mapped out what he wants his future to look like. Can I do that, too? Should I think about which field of study I want to go into, or will my life really turn out the way it felt when Kaito died: as if there will be nothing left?

When the water gets too cold to bear it any longer, I move to the side and get myself out of the pool. As I walk to the towel rack and take one off, I see someone standing by the pool. 'Chichiro,' I say, wrapping the towel around myself. 'Hey Kairi.' He makes an effort to smile, but it seems like he's not quite sure I'd like to receive it now. 'There's another party tonight,' he says. Isn't that every night? 'I thought... well... If you want some distraction...' I lift the corners of my mouth slightly. 'It's nice of you to think of me,' I tell him, 'but I'd rather stay here for a while.' He nods. 'If you change your mind...' he mumbles, but he doesn't finish his sentence. He wants to turn and walk away, but then I say: 'Thank you. You've always been there for me on this day.'

'I haven't done that much,' he sighs with a shrug. 'You may not have given me a muffin or help carrying my bag this year,' I say with a slight smile, 'but you remembered. You offer to support me. That means a lot to me, Chichiro.' He raises the corners of his mouth slightly. I can tell from his eyes that he appreciates my acknowledgment for his attention. 'If you need anything, you can always come to me,' he says. I believe he's not just saying that out of politeness, but he really means it. 'Thank you,' I say again. I watch him walk away and then take a seat on the beach chair.

It's complicated that more and more people have arrived that I want to see protected. It was much easier when it was just about Soran and me. I try to stop myself from caring more and more about them, but I seem to be less and less capable of that. They are in my inner circle and there's nothing I can do to change that. That's why I have to endure what I feel when I see Yuki coming closer and closer from the corner of my eye and he finally settles down on the beach chair next to me.

'How do you feel?' he asks. There are so many different things going through my mind right now that I can't even name them. 'Soran knows,' I blurt out. 'I told him yesterday.' Yuki looks at me inquiringly. 'Are you okay?' I had thought I was not for a long time, until he came to sit with me. 'Yes,' I reply in surprise. 'Yeah, I think I actually am okay.' He holds my eyes for a moment, probably to make sure that's really the case, then nods. 'We both feel guilty, but I think it's going to be okay. It certainly feels like a relief now that he knows.'

'I'm glad about that,' he replies. 'And you?' I want to know. 'How do you feel?' He stares ahead and shrugs. At first I think he's thinking about it, but then I realize he's not going to answer that question. 'I have something for you,' he says. With an uneasy feeling, I keep wiggling my feet back and forth as he puts his hand in the pocket of his vest and takes it out again. I hold up my hand and watch him place a device with earplugs wrapped around it. 'Music?' I mumble as I stare at the thing wide-eyed, as if I've never seen anything like an MP3 player before. Yuki nods and looks straight ahead again.