Nobody Can Say It's You

21

"Hey, there. How's the finger, Bean?" Hadley asked.

"It's as right as rain, Hadley," Beanie said. "I'd really like to stay and talk, but I'm in kind of a hurry."

"Where you going?"

"I gotta get down to the cemetery. Harvey sent word for me to come. Mr. Dudley's body's back from his autopsy. Harvey wants to get the hole dug quick. Harvey wants everything ready for when he has Mr. Dudley resting in his coffin. He told me he wants Mr. Dudley's goin' away to be as smooth as silk."

"You want a lift?"

"Sure," said Beanie. "Gosh, it smells good in here. Like a bakery."

"Oh," said Hadley, "I almost forgot. I made some cookies for you. Three batches. Originally, I was only going to make two, but my dump cooking got the best of me, and before I knew it, I'd dumped in enough ingredients for an extra batch of cookies."

"Thanks, Hadley," said Beanie. "You know me. When it comes to anything you cook, too much is just about the right amount."

"I know, Bean," Hadley said. "I can always count on you to lick the plate clean no matter what I'm serving."

"Me and Onus are good plate lickers." 

"Well, Onus is a persnickety, old cuss. I really wish he'd take some lessons from you. Not be such a picky eater, you know what I mean?"

"I can learn him plate-lickin' if you want me to, Hadley."

"I was thinking more in the lines of being grateful for what's on your plate. I think I'll just have to put up with Onus' not quite licking the plate clean. He puts up with a lot from me, you know."

"If you say so, Hadley," Beanie said.

"What time is the funeral service," said Hadley.

"Harvey said it's going to be tonight at midnight," said Beanie.

"Midnight!"

"Yeah. I ain't too happy with the time, neither. I hope I don't fall asleep and fall into that hole. You know? I just don't know if I will be able to keep my eyes open."

"Is Button's service private?"

"No. Harvey didn't say it was. Harvey is always good to tell me if it is 'cause he knows I won't mention nobody's service if he's told me that. Private means private, Hadley. No extra mourners allowed but the privates."

"Well, if it's not private, I'd like to come," said Hadley. "I'm certainly not one of the privates, but if it's public, I know I can call myself one of the public."

"It's public," Beanie said, "so you can come because you are public."

"Good," said Hadley. "Here we are. I want to come and give you moral support, Beanie."

"Do my morals need support, Hadley?" Beanie asked. "I didn't know they were sagging. Miltie Pearl was talkin' to Mona Leone Yuntz the other day about her saggin' you-ter-rines. What's a you-ter-rine?

Miltie Pearl was just 'a whining to Mona Leone that havin' sixteen youngins had, let me see, how did Miltie Pearl put that? Oh, I know! Them sixteen youngins done a number on her. Her you-ter-rine prolapse was the worst! Thing sagged plumb to her ankles. I looked, Hadley. I don't see nothing between her ankles. They're right big 'n' meaty, her ankles are. But that's all."

"Did Miltie Pearl see you standing near them, Beanie?" Hadley asked.

"Oh, yeah," said Beanie. "Mona Leone did, too. They're like most people, Hadley. They ignore me like I ain't there."

"Well," Hadley said, "don't trouble yourself over those two. Mona Leone and Miltie Pearl had no business discussing women's matters in front of you like that. Miltie Pearl knows what causes babies to be born. She's had sixteen times the practice of most women."

"That does make me feel better," Beanie said.

"It does," Hadley said.

"Your you-ter-rines must not need no support," Beanie said. "Even I know what makes babies, and you and Harry didn't have none. Your you-ter-rines must be tight as Dick's hatband."

"We tried, Beanie. We were just not blessed with children," Hadley said, "but you're right. My you-ter-rines are just fine. And so are your morals.

I just wanted to show up at Button's service to make sure you stay awake. It wouldn't do for one of my best friends to close his eyelids and wake up in Button's grave."

"Thanks, Hadley," Beanie said. "It would be like sticking six kids in a bunk bed. Crowded wouldn't begin to describe it."

"Exactly," said Hadley.