Once Again

Chapter 23: July 2003

    I fell into a depression after my father's death. I'd dealt with depression before but it was mild in comparison to what this one brought with it. I couldn't function well. I started calling into my new job and withdrawing from friends. My job was understanding at first but they understandably became less so over time. My friends were concerned despite my assurances I was fine. Just tired. Just busy.
Rhys finally called me out on it one day. He called me and gently confronted me on the change in my behavior and isolation from everyone. He said he suspected what I was experiencing went beyond grief which up to that point I hadn't been willing to admit. That he had been depressed before so he knew what it looked like. I was just in survival mode trying to get through each day and hoping I'd just wake up magically one day and be better. I cried (something I was doing a lot) and argued with him. Ultimately, it pushed me to see a doctor who helped start me on some antidepressants and connected me with a therapist.
It was the therapist who suggested I had ADHD after we had been meeting for awhile. Suddenly, a lot in my life made sense. It was the therapist who expressed concern about my relationship with Jacob and used the phrase "emotional abuse." She said it wasn't passion or insecurity that made him jealous of pretty much anyone in my life who wasn't him, it was his abusive nature of wanting to control and isolate me. She suspected part of my isolating behavior wasn't just depression related but that I did it because I just didn't want to fight.
For my part, I listened and agreed with her but I thought I could still change him. I asked him—begged him to go to therapy as well. I suggested maybe he also had a mood disorder that made him sullen and angry. He went along with it sometimes. Just enough to keep me on a string of hope that he too would do the work. That he too was just as committed to working in our relationship.
I hung on longer than I should have and I struggled with shame for that I wasn't the one who finally pulled the plug on the relationship. No, the end of our relationship came to an ugly head one night.
I caught Jacob snooping through my phone. He saw all the calls between Rhys and I spanning months. They were no more than calls between Rhys and I then with everyone else, but that didn't matter. He was convinced I was still in love with Rhys and trying to fuck him behind Jacob's back.
We got into a big argument and he took off. He didn't come back until the next day. This time there was no contrition or apologies. He was still mad. Wanted me to end my friendship with Rhys. I'm not proud to say I went through his wallet when alarm bells finally started ringing. I found a condom and a woman's number. Jacob and I hadn't used condoms since we became exclusive.
I threw the wallet at him. "Don't give me your bullshit lies! If this is going to be over, have the decency to tell me the truth!"
He punched a wall nearby "You want me to be the bad guy, don't you?"
"You are the bad guy, Jacob" I cross my arms. Anger and betrayal fueling me. "You accuse me of fucking other people behind your back because that's exactly what you're doing!"
"I did not—"
"I'm not stupid! How dare you continue to lie to me! I know it was you not Seth whose condom was in our trash can after my dad's funeral! I know this number—" I wag the scrap of paper with a woman's name and phone number on it "isn't for Seth."
"Fine! Fuck!" He swears pacing around the apartment now. "I'm not in love with you anymore. Ever since your dad died you cry all the time and we haven't had sex in—"
"We had sex a few days ago! I'm not going to apologize for grieving and being depressed! I've been doing the work to get better, you know this. You're twisting this so that you can justify your shitty behavior." I spit out
He whirls around and pins me with eyes so angry and full of hate I finally get scared. "Get the hell out of my house before I do something I'll regret."
It doesn't matter that it's our place. That my name is on the lease as well. I get out of there as fast as I can. I've never been as scared of someone as I was of him at that moment. My therapist had once warned me that people who are emotionally abusive often become physically abusive and I think about that as I flee to Rachel's place.
Jacob, of course, proceeds to call me the next couple of months trying to win me back. His calls go unanswered and he eventually gets mad. I had to block him finally one night when he kept calling and interrupting my sleep.
I moved in with my mom for a while. Just until I could figure out my next step. Ben and Rhys helped me move out when Jacob was out of town one weekend. I treated both to pizza and beers at a local pub afterwards where they both grumbled about not liking Jacob, not thinking he was good enough for me, until I excused myself to go to the bathroom and cry. Bridget laid into them and I never had to hear them talk about it again.
  I slipped into a bit of depression again after the breakup. In less than 6 months I'd lost my dad, my place, and the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Luckily, due to the medication and ongoing therapy I was still attending it wasn't nearly as bad or last as long as it could have.
After awhile, I found that I was actually relieved to no longer be in a relationship with Jacob. I didn't realize how much I was walking on eggshells for him until I no longer had to. I felt free. I enjoyed this freedom by getting back in touch with people who I'd either lost touch with or had withdrawn from.
We started having our weekly dinners with Bridget, Ben, Rachel, and Rhys. Ryan moved back and we started going on monthly hikes again. Rhys came over to my mom's frequently and helped out with stuff around the house. Rhys and I were able to have our long rambling talks again because I didn't have to worry about Jacob monitoring them.
I ignored that Rhys looked at me and touched me sometimes with a fondness that was more than platonic affection. I could tell after some time that he was maybe wanting more. He didn't date other women and spent what free time he did have with me. I wasn't ready to engage in anything but friendship with him. He was a constant, a steady reassi and comfort in a tumultuous year for me and I wasn't ready for a change. Maybe it was selfish of me to hold him at arm's length suspecting he wanted more.