She's Mine) Romanogers

Part 12) In the Shadows

Nat P.O.V. 

I woke up without a start, which was a welcomed change. I looked around and knew I was alone in my room, which was such a comfort. I was suddenly aware of how sore my muscles were and a burning pain in my feet, that was a quick reminder of all that had happened last night. I checked the clock, it was ten in the morning! I hadn't let myself sleep in so late in forever. I knew I should be panicking about what Bruce was going to do, but the fact that the tower was still in one piece was a good sign he hadn't Hulked out.

I sat up and immediately started to regret it, my head pounded and everything hurt more. The part about starving yourself was that you stopped feeling hunger in your stomach, you felt it in your head, or at least I did. That also reminded me that Steve was going to try and deal with the eating issue today, and I could not fathom how much I was going to dread that.

Bruce had only been feeding the disordered eating thoughts and body dysmorphia. It was so hard to know that I was doing the wrong thing, and still do it. I didn't feel like I had control. I now comfortably fit into the dress he had gotten me on the first date, and in fact, it was even a bit loose on me at this point. I knew that I didn't have much fat left and the loss was most likely muscle mass, but I wasn't able to stop myself... nor would Bruce ease up till he was happy with how I looked.

I was reminded how horribly angry I would be if he was doing this to someone else, but how I knew I deserved it. I was worried that was how Steve felt. Juggling the person I was around Steve and the person I had to be around Bruce was so hard, especially with them in the same building. It was no wonder I was tired.

I pulled off the covers and realized I was still in the clothes I had stashed in Steve's room and done ballet in, they were covered in sweat and blood. I hadn't cared when I went to bed, but I did now. I got myself out of the bed and padded over to the bathroom, my feet protesting with pain from every step.

I turned the shower to a refreshing, cool temperature and popped in. I grabbed my favorite scented things and scrubbed myself clean, exfoliated, shaved my legs, washed my face, shampooed, and conditioner. I liked doing 'everything' showers sometimes, even when they took upwards of a half hour. It just felt so good to be fresh and clean right now.

After the shower I brushed my wet hair and put on a clean outfit. It wasn't fitting me as well as it should have, but I didn't have many clothes that did right now. Part of me was proud of that, part of me knew I was toeing a dangerous line right now.

I walked to my door and paused, just taking a quick moment to appreciate that all the locks were done and I was safe and secure here. Once that wonderful moment had passed, I unlocked them and walked over to the elevator, I hated how each step felt like I was slipping back into that scared version of me, but I knew it was what I had to do to get through this.

But then a lovely thought hit me, Bruce was leaving today! I had to contain my excitement so I wouldn't actually jump for joy.

I heard footsteps behind me and whirled, ready for karma to kick me in the ass for being happy Bruce was leaving, but my lucky streak continued as I saw Clint. "Sorry, I tried not to startle you," he had his hands up.

"I thought you were supposed to leave at seven this morning?" I asked, he should be with his family right now.

"I wasn't going until I got to talk to you for a bit," he came up to me slowly.

"You should have gone home," I shook my head, "I'm fine."

He didn't answer which was an obvious sign he didn't believe it, "Steve and I talked, we were thinking it might be good if you came to the farm with me?"

I paused, I hadn't even thought of that. I pondered it, "I really appreciate the offer, but Steve and I have a bunch of stuff planned here," and I didn't want to burden the Barton family with my issues... I didn't want the kids to see me like this.

"He can come too, and I'm sure you can find plenty of things to do at the house," Clint was pushing, he clearly wanted me to come.

I debated lying to him, but he would see through it, "I'm not letting the kids see this," I gestured to myself.

"Nat, they won't care, they will just be happy to see their Aunty Nat."

"Clint," my tone got his attention, "I'm too jumpy to be safe around them, I had Steve in a choke hold yesterday."

He sighed, "I'm not scared of you around them," I started to object, "but I understand why you are. It's okay," he let me win. "I know I don't have to say it, but you're always welcome there."

"I know," and I did. They would always have their door open for me, I just couldn't endanger the kids right now. No matter how much they might have trusted me, I didn't trust myself, not when I was like this.

"Alright, have fun while I'm gone, but not too much," he reached out to give me a hug but froze midway, letting me decide if I was okay with it.

"I will," I stepped forward and let him hug me, the sleep doing wonders for my tolerance to being touched, "fly safe, give Laura and the kids my love."

"Will do," he stepped back to the stairs and gave me a quick wave over the shoulder as the door closed.

I walked over to the elevator and stopped when I saw a dark figure to the left of me, "Bruce?" I turned to find him standing in the shadows, his face green with sheer rage.