I'm Slowly Drowning {An Andy Biersack Love story}

In a world of fools

I don’t know what time I woke up, at some point I just did. I think I spend hours just laying in my bunk, thinking and pretending to be asleep. I kinda enjoyed the time just being for myself, like I used to, though, I missed Carolyn, she was always there to make me feel better, but not now. I looked at the bunk above me, which was empty so far, wondering who might end up sleeping in it, or in the one beneath Max’s bunk, one of those two were to be taken within the next month and I hoped the person were nice, maybe another girl, one I could connect with...

I wanted to laugh of myself, one I could connect with?! If another girl made her way onto the bus she’d probably just ignore me, I was really shocked that the boys hadn’t started ignoring me yet, but it would come in time, soon enough, I would be a ghost for them. I felt terrible, I’d already let them see me cry, one step closer to becoming a ghost. People didn’t want to be friends with a cry-baby, I understood them. My mind had wandered off to really dark places. I had to get them away from there or I would end up killing the little butterfly hidden beneath my wristband.

I decided to get up, just to get my mind away from how terrible I felt. I got up too fast and was fell as soon as I got up, hitting my head against the bunks at the other side, more specifically Max’s bunk. “Ow, ow, ow, ow...” I mumbled as I got up and stupidly placed my hand on my forehead, shit it hurt and I could already feel a lump appearing, great! I probably had to put some ice on it and get a painkiller so I stumbled out of the sleeping area and into the empty living room, I guessed everybody else were gathered in the guys’ bus, which they were.

Actually, I wanted to be alone, but I knew it was a stupid idea. Being alone led to bad thoughts. Bad thoughts led to stupid decisions. Stupid decisions led to harm and hatred. Harm and hatred made me want to be alone and the circle could start from the beginning again. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I should just harm myself and make the band hate me, make everybody hate me. Goddammit, I hated myself! No. Alex, pull it together. Go out there. Be afraid of nothing. Enjoy yourself!

Before I got any chance to argue anymore with myself, I changed my clothes till a pair of black skinnies and a worn out A7x t-shirt. Lazily I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and into a huge untidy clod. I looked at myself in the mirror, washed my face and put on a thin layer of eyeliner, just to make me look more awake. Then I pulled on my worn out converse and ran out of the bus.

Closing the door after me, I found myself in an unknown place. It looked like a ship, cars, vans and busses all cramped together in a big parking lot on one of the lowest decks. I muttered to myself, the guys had just left me alone in an unlocked bus, in a humongous parking lot in the bottom of a ship! Thanks guys! REALLY considering of you! I looked around in my search for their bus and found it a few rows away. I hoped they were in there, or I was passionately gonna kill em’. It didn’t matter how huge a fan I were. If they left me completely alone to find my own way out of this parking lot, I’d kill them. Slowly and pain filled. All of em’!

I made my way over to their bus and tried to open the door, tried. The bus was locked and when I knocked there weren’t any response... I became furious and in anger I made my way through the parking lot and after about ten minutes or so, I found a door leading to a staircase. I know it was stupid, but out of pure stubbornness, I turned off my mobile. I didn’t want them to call me and make it easy, this was war! I fought my way up the stairs and found myself at the tenth deck, which apparently was the lobby and shops.

Opening the door, I found myself in a huge lobby with red couches and coffee tables and armchairs till hundreds of people. Here and there sat families and businesspeople, some of them were Danish and on their way till England and others English and on their way home from Denmark. I walked through the huge room and ended up in the front of the ship where the shops were, small clothes shops, grocery stores, etc. I really liked this ship so far, and from what I’d heard it took two days to get from Esbjerg, Denmark till Harwich, England. This was going to be a nice trip... I thought.