Growing Up

The real chapter 9! More 2008 and 2009!

It's only relevant that I talk about #9 and the movie nine from 9-9-09 in this chapter! 😂 (Beatles song pops in my head)

So you know one of the biggest reasons Nate and I got along so well? We shared similar music likes. And as you know, music has always been very big in my life. And someone to love the Beatles as much as me, just bliss! Aside from him keeping my yellow submarine movie my uncle Dave bought r and never giving it back!! 😠 Jerk...

I mean, I guess I still need to forgive him for some things, after that chapter I realized I was still bitter with him a little. And I had thought I had moved on and forgave him. But who knows maybe writing it triggered it for me? 🤷🏻‍♀️ For the most part I'm good. Truth was, neither one of us were saints, and I did see him way more of a brother. I just get jealous easy. Or at least I used to. I would fear someone leaving me and never coming back. Like I was never good enough. That derives from me trying to always to impress my parents and hoping get in their good graces. And not be literally told I'm worthless all the time. Which they did, all the time... told me I would never amount to anything. I'm a way I think they were projecting their feelings about themselves back on to me. Feeling like they were worthless because they never accomplished their goals and dreams and putting that on me. By no means was it right, but it sure does make more sense to why they were that way. Remember it's not about agreeing with it or condoning it, it's coming from a place of understanding and letting go and forgiving it. I'm a way, I have to do this with Nate, too.

See writing this out is a good way to analyze and heal this. Really gets you to think. Writing is a form of therapy and it truly is therapeutic, especially for someone like me. Admitting things I have never admitted before. And admitting I too was wrong. Things are not always black and white... but there were times growing up that's the only way I saw things, one sided. (Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner... so wonder the one sidedness gets to me. I always felt like it was. But was it ever, really? Yes, one side can show more than another, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's one sided. If someone is putting an any action at all, it's not fully one sided, it's just unbalanced. How do you even the scales from there? What can you do to balance it?)

Well, 2007, I tuned 18 (in November) and I remember Nate only went to McDonald's with Kate that night and it snowed. Earlier in the day I went to see Enchanted with Miguel and j-Airheart gave us a HUGE free bag of popcorn for my birthday. Before that I had a bunch of friends go with me to Chubbies. Goatie, Sarai, my cousins, Miguel, Kates and shawwn, I can't remember who else, I'm sorry. I remember sarai because she got me a nightmare before Christmas shirt (which is till have!) it was purple and said meant to be in it. (Enchanted debuted in my actual birthday that year too, last time that happened was when Anastasia came out, yes I remember little stuff like this... like a couple years ago when the Jackie Chan movie came out on my birthday and he legit says "happy birthday" in the movie as if he were saying it to me! vanguard) ok fast forward again...

August 7, 2008... (someone's birthday...) and the day I almost died... so that last week I had been going to places like the Ren faire, Old Country Buffet and I remember going with Nate to OCB and wearing a white skirt. And Ren Faire with Rae. Both times I did anything or tried moving, I felt a horrible sensation in my lower abdomen and it felt like I just had to take a really bad shit! It felt like that constantly, I was in the bathroom a lot!! It wasn't until this day (almost two weeks later) that I was sitting in my room with my pants down trying to take a shit and puking up nothing. (Because I couldn't eat for shit those two weeks.) My dad noticed this and called 911. The ambulance didn't show. (They went to the wrong address) and he ended up having to take me. I remember going down those stairs hurt horribly, I think he may have carried me. (There were stairs at their apartment and I was back living with them at this time...) He rushed me to the hospital and they took me back right away to do testing. The doctor at first was going to send me home with the diagnosis of UTI. I didn't have a UTI... my dad fought with that doctor and my mom eventually made it from work. They decided to get a CT scan and they asked "did your daughter have an appendix?" My dad was like YES SHE HAD AN APPENDIX!! And they they said that could only mean one thing, it RUPTURED! The doctor gave an estimation of it being ruptured for about 2 weeks and they were all shocked I had survived even this long, but they had to do an emergency surgery STAT because they had to get the toxins out before it literally killed me.