Growing Up

The real chapter 7! Youth Group and the Beach

I have no clue what I was getting at with this chapter originally with the voice memo... 😂 I'm just going to start the fuck over! 😆

So above I mentioned Youth Group and the Mall, well let's make this my hang outs from the in betweens chapter! Beach being a place we will talk about, as well.

You see, I had a lot of go to places, aside from sports and friends/family houses. I had to keep myself busy. It let me out of trouble. Not that I ever wanted to get in trouble really. I just was always about having random adventures at random times. I can be very impulsive, what can I say? 🤷🏻‍♀️ So going to these places in between times, they helped me. My friends weren't always available and especially as we got older and they had other friends they wanted to see, and I had to figure out what to do in the mean time while all of them were doing those things. I had to find what to do myself and I won't deny it... try to avoid my house as much as possible! I hated it there and as I would get to my teen years, it got way worse!!

My parents like to accuse me of being a slut, doing drive, vandalizing, and being just a hooligan. (Lol I became a hooligan years later 😂- name of the platoon I was in... but never back then.) so being called a slut when I didn't even have a boyfriend and couldn't even tell a damn guy I liked them... shocked me and also thought, what little do you guys really think of me? If you actually knew me, you'd know I was way better than just picturing out my pussy for just anyone. In fact, I turned guys down all the time. And even if a guy flirted with me I would get weird. Like "why are you flirting with me? You know you are talking to me, right?" I didn't see myself as beautiful and I didn't see myself as a girly girl, and I didn't see myself as someone a guy would ever like at all. I was skinny, no boobs, and a tom boy. They would get bored of me and leave me eventually anyway. I mean everyone leaves me, so why even bother getting my hopes up in the first place? To say the least, my self esteem was low, and I had A LOT of healing to do. Shit, sometimes I can still get that way from time to time, especially a couple years ago (or even December of 2021... but you'll find more about that in the other book and why, but I can tell you, it being March 2023, I have changed drastically since even then! Moon triggered things in me I needed healing I didn't even know I needed healing in... and I truly am thankful for that... among other things...)

Back when I was in like middle school, I had to find my vices. I had to find ways of coping with things and I didn't want to do drugs, they just didn't seem too appealing to me. Now if we talk marijuana, I have never considered that a drug drug... that is something a lot of people use for medicinal purposes, and for relief from things like anxiety,seizures, cancer, among other things... it's funny how people look at it as something toxic. But just like booze and medication, or even excessive amounts of anything can become addictions. Too much of a show can even become an addiction. Too much of a video games can become an addiction, too. Something you put ahead of everything else can become an addiction and a weakness. People use most addictions as a gateway from something else they are avoiding to face or heal from. Food can even be an addiction. (Unhealthy food, overspending, etc.) Even cleaning too much can be an addiction. OCD can be a good thing to a degree, unless it takes over the balance of your life and other areas of it. But for drugs, I just never wanted to do any and never did. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Didn't find a reason to.

Some of my addictions over the years consisted of lying to impress people or spare peoples feelings. I learned rather quickly it was wrong and not to do it ever again. I know when I first started lying to people (about 5) it get so wrong, like my insides were fighting against each other. I also decided I would never do it again. So about middle school I was determined to never do it again. I noticed my parents did it all the time, and that's why I thought at first it was ok. But it felt so wrong to me. I hated it! Because I was so horrible at it, people would point it out every time I did it. (As if they never lied themselves, which I would come to learn people did a lot and used it as a way and form of manipulation. And that was like a big thing with my parents to get what they wanted. My dad with booze, my mom with getting people to see her as always the victim and never part of the problem.) part of the problem is always looking at people as if one is the bad guy and the other the good guy, but not realizing that we all can embody each of these.