Growing Up

The real chapter 3! Death

Now, that chapter wasn't easy for me.

I mean, it's never easy to go through stuff like that,right?

So, I mean, I did.It was hard.And, I mean, I've grown a lot.

It's just sometimes I wish he was still here so I could talk to him and especially about life situations and stuff like that. But I totally get it, too.

But all? (I'm lost at what I actually said... >.>)

No, it's okay because I have my spirit guides and my spirit team,And my soul family.I have people that are here and support me.And after he passed, papa, (his grandpa),held me and made sure it was okay give me hugs and made, (papa would eventually be the one to walk me down the aisle for my wedding day because my dad refused to go... and I get why now... he didn't approve of my ex husband, but the fact that my Papa did that, I was honored and I have always thought of him as another dad.)

Papa noticed that I was hurting.Not many people noticed, but he did, and my ex nate at the time did too and his family.

And I mean, my parents were just my parents. They cared in their own way, but didn't show any emotions that would support me during that time.

They really didn't express any kind of sympathy and concern at that time. And it's fine and all. But I needed it then. You know?And the truth is, yes, they got better, but not at that time, and when I was going through it, it was really rough for me.I just needed them there more than they were.But I'm really grateful they were there when they were, eventually. And that helped me forgive them as I got older. But that time when I was going through all of this, was rough.

We all have our weaknesses and weak points in our lives but that doesn't mean we can't work on ourselves and change.I mean, we get in our moments where our anger can take control of our actions, and we can't be there for people and hurt them, sometimes unintentionally. (Hurt people, hurt people)And once it's done, it's done.

And if it's impacted a person, than it has impacted a person. But we can't control how people react to situations. And we must learn to forgive, even if someone doesn't apologize. And we have to come from a place of understanding if roles were switched.

But when it comes down to it, if something happens to us,we're the one that chooses how to react.So I chose to forgive them and not worry about it anymore.

It was like, where is everybody? Isn't anyone going to be here for me? I'm not trying to seek attention. I just want someone to tell me it was going to be ok. And I was used to being the one pretending everything was fine, when it wasn't. So maybe people didn't notice I was hurting. But it was hard for me to ever admit I needed any help. Like I was a burden or I was asking too much or like I would owe someone.

All my friends, at that time,weren't very understanding and made me feel like I shouldn't be that upset. But they didn't get it. They didn't understand how close we were.And, one of my best friends at the time,Seo, had told me I made this entire thing up. The whole closeness I had with Merritt and told me I was seeking attention...

But  I had to wonder where did she think I was
Every summer before we would all hang out every afternoon? That was a whole morning time where I was off doing something else. Did she think I was sleeping in? I mean, I did love sleep, still do... but that wasn't the case.

It just made no sense to me how she figured I didn't know him, when o thought she knew I was at the daycare every morning, every day. She was my best friend, after all? It hurt to say the least. We would eventually become close again a few years later, but never talked about this situation again. Think we were both trying to swipe it under the rug.