TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

40

"I'm sorry."

"I like you here, but I also feel kind of mad at the world. Don't know exactly why."

"Hmm."

"I'm not mad at you—"

She cut me off. "I know. I never thought that it's about me or us. This is a hard time for you... Any progress with the job search?"

"Nothing."

"Let's give it a few more days. Or weeks."

"And rot here for weeks or months, too?"

"I know having to wait is frustrating. We don't have patience for everything, but it's what we should do for the meantime."

I was rambling the next moment. "I hate this. I hate—I-I'm not doing anything! I've gotten so lazy. All I do is sleep and eat, stare at the fucking wall. I can't even go to my parents and tell them what happened because I'm not ready and they'll ask why I am just bumming around—"

"You are not."

I shoved the bitterness down my stomach. "It's so annoying that I'm complaining about my life but..."

"You feel that your life is going bad. You can complain about it, love."

"We all have these unproductive days but the thing is, I don't have a job. That's it. I have nothing else to look forward to and it's just—I'm stuck here all day and I haven't touched anything in the kitchen because I don't feel like making myself food, and I feel so weak having to sit or lay down but I also cannot find it in myself to do a single task. I just messed around on my phone the other day and read tons of articles I only forgot right after I finished. This doesn't make sense." I knew I appeared indignant. My fists clenched. I hadn't been this infuriated in a long time and I wanted an outlet, but I didn't know how to work through it without being mean. I thought I had gotten over the unfairness of things, but figured I'd only repressed and bottled it all up.

Over the next hour, I could feel Soohyun watching me outwardly kick up a fuss about anything my eyes found disturbing: the dirty dishes, dust on the corners I had missed when I attempted cleaning, every stuff I'd misplaced. Anything out of order. I didn't say much but would unknowingly release tension by putting back stuff in their right places a bit harsher and louder, but not enough to scare Soohyun or even myself. She let me silently vent out. Half an hour later, I went completely quiet, until Soohyun called over her shoulder in the middle of arranging my collection of medical journals in the shelves, asking, "Do you feel better now?"

I was embarrassed, a bit in control. "I do."

After sharing meals that I quickly made out of the stocked up ingredients I had, I tried reading a book while Soohyun browsed through my childhood photobook that I brought out for her to see, crouching on the carpeted floor. She'd make a comment every once in a while as I listened to her enthralled giggles a lot more. The sound of her voice filled the silence. I found it incredibly comforting.

"... your hair." I heard Soohyun suddenly say, missing out on the entire thing she spoke.

I lifted my gaze from the paperback in my hands. "What?" I asked, urging her to repeat.

"I said I can wash your hair."

I felt my cheeks flush, repulsed and weirdly taken aback by the offer. A grown man in his 30's letting his girlfriend wash his hair? "Why would you do that for me?"

"You keep scratching your head."

"I really need a shower."

"Let me wash your hair."

"Ugh, that's embarrassing."

"It's not if it's me."

I smiled. "I still don't think that's a good idea."

Soohyun got up on her feet, determined, as I closed the book and set it down on the coffee table. "Come on. I'm not giving you a bath. Just really like to wash your hair." She laughed, walking over to me with her hand held out.

I conjured up the scene in my mind, believing that it was ridiculous. I caught myself, however, reaching out for her hand and following suit like a child. I wanted to disintegrate into my own body when we stepped into the bathroom.

"Are you really doing this? I can do it—"

I sighed, left with no other choice as soon as Soohyun had grabbed the handheld showerhead. I eventually raised my shirt and over my head, taking it off. I stood there only with my sweatpants on, until Soohyun went on with her mission. I ducked my head for her convenience, the tiled floors my view. She began soaking my hair with lukewarm water, running her fingers through it delicately.

It felt strangely relaxing, but was still a little skeptical of it.

Do all couples even do this?

Soohyun shampooed my hair the next minute and lathered it over my scalp in soft massages. The water splashed down the sides of my face and my neck and to the bathroom floors, drenching our feet, while Soohyun was rinsing my hair clean.

Then she handed me my towel when it was over, letting me do the rest, casually walking out.

I faced the mirror, awfully overwhelmed and delighted at the same time.

. . .

I came out of the shower, finally bathed after days of not caring so much of hygiene, instantly looking for my girlfriend. I gave her a smile when I walked past her on my way to my room, putting on a new set of comfortable clothes. It felt so good having gotten rid of the gross, sticky feeling.

I dropped all the weight when I rushed out and snatched Soohyun's attention away from her phone, and said in the most contained voice I could muster, "I love you."

A warm and fuzzy feeling grew in my belly, shooting up my chest afterward.

Her eyes lit up in amusement. "You love me because I washed your hair?"

Emotions spilled over my chest, but I surprisingly looked unshaken. "I love you. Because you're you."

Her gaze mellowed, catching the daylight. "You flatter me," Soohyun answered.

"You don't have to say it back now. Just letting you know."

Our focus snapped over to the abrupt sound of my own device. The screen came alive. I took it from its rest and read the notification banner, panicking over the email subject. I clicked to open it and read the content. It was from a person named Jung Hoseok, bearing the news of a job interview invitation for the TA position I applied for.