TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

39

(unedited as usual. ^^that song kept me company while i was writing this chapter. enjoy reading.)

Chapter 39

PARK SOOHYUN

Words that were supposed to pacify me just zipped past my head but I did my part acting as composed as Jungkook made himself look. It was an effortless move, which made me wonder how long he had been good at this—keeping a nice and calm front— but I'd see some slip-ups there as I paid attention, the arched eyebrows, little frowns, tense cheeks, agitated hands around the steering wheel and over mine. The bouncing knees. I had watched all of them.

Even knowing my own freak-out wasn't going to help, I couldn't stop letting the fear control me, and where was it even coming from? I had nothing much to be scared about.

The panic had gone twofold, however, when it was time for me to go, the fear once again wanting itself recognized, demanding and intense. It wasn't until Jungkook seemed to notice it, so he reached over, closed his clammy hands around my fingers and reassured me that things might be better in the morning, and we both knew we could be lying to ourselves. I nodded and shrugged. Lies are convenient. I also couldn't help but be upset over the fact that I should be the one reassuring him.

I'd left his car worrying and hoping.

I wouldn't be able to see him around like I used to, wouldn't probably talk to him as much as I did and that wasn't even the thing that scared me the most. I could deal with that. Even missing him terribly on some days, I could manage gaps, nothing I hadn't experienced before, and it wasn't like he was leaving for years and coming back for only God knows when.

Jungkook valued his job too much and loved being a doctor despite having complicated feelings about it. Like everyone else, he'd sacrificed a lot to get where he wanted to be and it took a huge push of courage to accomplish what was needed to be done. I wasn't sure how this situation could affect the way he thought of himself, and I knew I could only do so much. I had no control over what he could be thinking. But I wanted him to know that none of what was happening was a reflection of the things he'd become.

What could I do when he desperately wanted me not to get mixed up in it?

The vibes had been a little frosty at work and I didn't entertain any questions about Jungkook because every rumor that was going around was making me upset, the distortion in it a personal trigger, until Jungkook's official dismissal had been finalized, dread creeping up my skin, making me tear up in a space where I could be lonely undisturbed. I handled it surprisingly better than I thought, some tears shed and I was back moving, ignoring the breathless moments which tempted to hold me back from doing a lot more of tasks. I had a few curious glances sent my way from the members in my team and I could tell that they wanted to know what exactly had happened, but they stayed quiet. Taehyung was disappointed about Jungkook's decision but he also knew we couldn't do anything, letting it die down a bit so we could go on with our day.

I'd received a message from my boyfriend mid-afternoon, slightly throwing me off balance: I was back in the hospital earlier but I didn't stay long. Just picked up my stuff and signed some papers. You busy? I can pick you up tonight.

I stared at the very casual message longer than I should.

Wishing it was easy to brush off things that way, I told him we could see each other once I was done with work in the most casual text tone I'd managed.

I did some studying and preoccupied myself with a bunch of practice tests that my time allowed me, my brain wired up and arms numb around the time I was approaching the end of my shift. I was hoping my excitement wasn't too obvious right when I was walking down the hallways and out of the building, realizing that I was still all buzz and thrill like my body had been electrified underneath after all these months, and it was kind of annoying that Jungkook still had this effect on me. A rush of giddiness punched through my stomach as I ducked into Jungkook's car but I made a mock frown when I saw a pizza box kept warm. I said, "We've been eating unhealthily." Nothing about it really mattered because that was what we'd been doing together for the longest time. I just needed to say something and stay off my head tonight. I couldn't afford to get stuck in it.