TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

28

Chapter 28

PARK SOOHYUN'S POV

'What the hell happened?' became a music in my head and there was no one else to blame but myself because I initiated it, and I must have jeopardized the friendship when Jungkook had not looked in my eyes since we pulled away. He didn't say anything except, 'we should leave now.' Was I supposed to apologize for being impulsive? Jungkook wasn't being austere, but I could tell he was trying not to talk about the kiss. I felt bad for causing this, and it was terrifying to think he might have been feeling used or that he was assuming it was his fault.

The drive on the way home was a moment of insufferable overthinking, another one at home. Jungkook had not sent a message or anything, and the anxiety grew ten-fold when the next day came and Jungkook acted as if last night never happened at all. It didn't keep me from thinking, though.

The silence about the kiss went on for a month. I didn't expect it would take that long but neither of us stepped forward to bring it up, that I thought perhaps I was the only one who was making a big deal out of it, or was it really an issue to start with? Sometimes, I forgot about it and wondered if Jungkook had done the same, but when I'd look in his face and catch him looking away, the shame would come back eating away at me.

I only knew I wasn't supposed to kiss a friend, especially when it was only a spur-of-the-moment feeling.

Every minute I spent with Jungkook screamed: you've made your bed, now lie in it.

If he liked me still, how insensitive of me for doing something I couldn't take responsibility for. I must have broken his heart or anything that he couldn't tell me out of respect. However, it had been quite a long time since he confessed about liking me, and most of the time he didn't feel like the man who was interested in someone, when he was with me, he looked nothing like it anymore. A man in 'love' would show signs, but it seemed to me that he stopped seeing me a certain way and honestly how could he keep doing that when moving on was a healthy option? After what I had done I would just be as avoidant as he was about the matter, too. I should be relieved, and while I was sorting my emotions about my own breakup, the other emotions fumbling in my chest just accumulated.

"I heard there's a new resident joining us next month," Jungkook said while we were sitting at the bar counter, nursing our drinks for the evening. "I wish I could warn them beforehand, you know, like, you still have time to change your mind and go somewhere else."

I laughed, "You'd scare them."

"Yeah... Mmmm... Something in the way..." It sounded like Jungkook was singing and I let out another laugh, confused.

I asked, "What did you say?"

He smiled cheekily. "Sorry, I couldn't get over Batman. I suddenly feel like Bruce Wayne in this low-light bar. Something in the way..." He continued singing as I kept laughing and getting amused by whatever that was coming out of his mouth even when I had no idea.

I watched Jungkook order one more drink for himself.

"How's your therapy going?"

Jungkook regarded me with a quick glance and fixed his gaze back on his drink as his hand closed around the glass. "Good. The same. I feel a bit better these days."

I hummed softly, not knowing what to say.

"Sometimes I think it's not actually working, but there are days I think, there's progress. It's hard to say that it improves your life, but it's a good thing, at least in my case. I'm taking my time."

"Is your therapist nice?"

"Yeah, really, really nice. It's gotta be part of the job, right? But I think she's genuinely nice. I find it comfortable to tell her anything."

"Well, that's good. I'm really happy about your willingness to experience all of these."

"She said something about a relational pattern, and it's been on my mind honestly."

I asked, interested to know his answer, as I leaned over the bar countertop. "What is it?" We got sidetracked by the bartender who handed Jungkook's drink for a while.

"Like, when you're drawn to people or things that are not drawn to you. Something about a tendency to be attracted to unavailable things or people. And it makes you seek for your worth all the time. She said it's difficult to heal from, but it's possible." He both sounded and looked sad, making me think that it was too personal to him, and I wanted to throw up in sadness, too.

As if on cue, it just felt like the perfect time to finally pull it out of my throat. "Jungkook, the kiss..." I heaved out a heavy sigh, my hands trembling. "I suppose you haven't totally swept it under the rug."

Jungkook turned to me. His voice was faint when he talked. "Of course, how could I possibly forget?"

"I'm sorry."

"Figured long ago you'd say that. It's okay. I did nothing to stop it. It goes both ways."

"It's not, and it was so wrong to do that when I haven't yet done anything to heal from the thing going with Namjoon, and if you felt like I took advantage of the situation, I'm really sorry and I'm going to be—"

Jungkook interrupted me by saying, "Make me your rebound. I don't mind. I'm totally aware of what I'm getting myself into."

It was a horrible admission on his part, shock washing over me that it took me a minute to process his words. "Jungkook, what, no. I could never do that to you," I said, somewhat angry at the way he proposed the idea.

"When you kissed me, it just felt like you liked me back, but then I thought we got carried away with it that my brain tricked me into thinking it meant anything to you. But I don't want to take it against you. I decided not to bring it up because it would make you uncomfortable. Besides, it was an honest mistake."

"You'll never be just a rebound, okay? You deserve far better than that."

"You're saying I don't deserve you?"

"No, it's not what I mean." The desperation to rectify his thoughts was palpable. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I reached Jungkook's hand and secured it in mine. "You shouldn't be just anyone's rebound. No matter how much you like them."

"Then don't do that again, please? Don't ever kiss me again like you like me because I'm having a hard time recognizing what's real. Let's save ourselves the trouble of messing up what we have."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Now you're probably confused about a lot of things, so take all the time you need. Just know I'm waiting. Or I can just stop, actually. And if you want to do anything with me, I hope someday we can do it right." Jungkook took another shot of his alcohol.

a/n: hah, i'm back. i didn't lie about the 'very, very soon' :"D short bcs this is just a continuation (?) of chap 27.

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