TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

40

"Why are you here—"

"—I should have not come unannounced, right?"

I pressed my lips together, stepping back a little, seeing my girlfriend unsure of her presence at my doorstep on a Sunday morning. I internally freaked out over the things I hadn't done yet: my laundry, breakfast— a shower. A simple hygiene practice that I had missed yesterday. Fucking pathetic. I let go of the door and turned my back to Soohyun, heading back into my room to throw on a fresh oversized shirt.

"Uh, what were you doing earlier?" Soohyun asked in a careful voice when I got out.

I wasn't doing anything significant. In fact, I was kicking around. In my unkempt bed. I should probably change my sheets. I hadn't left my house since the other day which was, of course, absurd. Take a walk outside was something people would advise, and in theory, it seemed like a nice activity. In practice, however, it was ridiculous in my case. I couldn't even bring myself to wash my hair. And they'd also tell me, this was my fault that I wasn't helping myself, that I was refusing to do so, and it was another wave of realization—I must have really been intentionally pressing close against the burning edge of cig, declining any hand that would get me away.

But I was trying to learn to look at the other end, to long for it. It was just my hands, they'd always liked the gritty flames, because they ignited me. They kept me going.

"You should have texted me or something," I said, surprising my own ears. I didn't mean to sound like I was mad about her visit, but I'd been frustrated since yesterday and the noise of everything around me was unnerving.

Soohyun's mouth agape. "Yeah..." she trailed off. "I'll do that next time I come here." Her eyes zeroed in on me, her face licked by worry. They suddenly softened. My throat closed in. "I was thinking we could eat outside."

"I don't feel like going out."

She nodded. "Okay. We should just stay here. Are you okay with that? Me staying?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, no worries."

"I haven't had breakfast yet."

"Me, too. Do you want me to cook something?" I said.

She shifted the topic, taking in the sight of me. "Did you sleep well?"

I looked away. "Yes. What else was there to do?" God, I was being snarky.

But Soohyun looked like she didn't mind it. Her face stayed kind, so patient. She acted like she didn't notice the tone I used, the lack of enthusiasm, that I was unwell. Like she knew what I was feeling. That it was okay.

It only made me feel more bad about myself.

I sat on the other end of the sofa, anxiously watching her observe my place. It was her first time coming over although she'd had my address since the first week we started dating. She seemed so painfully polite as if she was in a stranger's house and she needed to behave. So I told her, "Make yourself at home."

Soohyun let out a chuckle, reaching over to take my hand but I angled away, feeling like a real jerk. I was quick to explain, skin crumbling in utter shame. "I haven't showered since yesterday so I don't smell nice and I meant to wash up but I keep forgetting—"

"It's alright," she reassured me, placing her hand back in her lap, eyes warm and understanding.

"I've been having bad days, is all," I blurted out.

Soohyun nodded again, glancing at me intently. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I just... don't feel good all the time."