After Alice

Chapter 49: Jo's Visit

After this incident, they put Liv on lithium and a host of other drugs to keep her from feeling much of anything. Mims steered clear of any subjects that might upset her and read her cheesy self-help books during her visits.

Despite these preventative measures, Liv wondered about the lullaby she had heard. Was it a song her mother used to sing to her as a baby? A couple of days later, Liv scribbled a question in her notebook and held it up to Mims.

Did you sing to me as a child?

Mims glanced at her and said, "Yes, of course. I sang to you every night, don't you remember?"

Liv blinked twice for no, and then wrote, What songs did you sing to me?

Mims looked up at the ceiling, thinking. "'You are my Sunshine,' 'Rock-a-bye Baby,' 'Amazing Grace'... I can't remember what else. Actually, I might have sung more to Ricky than to you. You were a little older when I met you and didn't like baby stuff as much."

Liv was excited that she didn't mention "Hush Little Baby." It was possible she had only heard that song from her mother. She wished that there was more she could remember. If she could dive into the well again, perhaps the voice would return. But no one was going to let her go there now.

Then, one afternoon Jo came to visit. Mims hovered by the door, looking anxious, but Liv shooed her away for some privacy.

Jo approached Liv's bed awkwardly and sat on the edge of a chair. She had let her black-dyed hair hang down, unspiked, and she was barely wearing any makeup. Liv remembered with a tinge of envy how naturally pretty her friend was when she didn't lay it on so thick. She was the same person, Liv thought, but her spirit had changed—she seemed subdued, almost chastened.

"Hey," Jo said, lifting her fingertips with chewed-down black nail polish to the edge of Liv's bed.

"Heh," Liv croaked back through her wired mouth.

"You really gave us a scare."

Liv exhaled out of her nose and scribbled in her notebook. Jo craned her neck to read what Liv was writing.

Sorry, I don't remember much.

Jo shook her head. "No, I didn't mean it that way. I just meant I've been worried about you. I wanted to come see you sooner," Jo said. "But everything's been nuts, and well... I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me after what happened."

"What happened?" Liv wrote.

Jo wrapped a strand of hair around her finger and said, "You don't remember?"

Liv shook her head no.

"Well, it's a long story. Let's just say we both got mad at each other and said things we shouldn't have."

Liv nodded, vaguely remembering there had been drama with Jo and Ricky, but that all seemed irrelevant now.

How is Mr. C? Liv wrote.

"Umm, I shouldn't be talking about stuff like this with you. I promised Mims I'd keep it light."

Liv groaned and wrote I NEED TO KNOW.

Jo stared at the words as Liv underlined them for emphasis.

"Mr. C is gone."

"Whaa?" Liv said through her teeth.

Jo wouldn't look at her. She picked at the strings from her cut-off shorts and mumbled, "He got fired."

What happened?! Liv wrote.

"Ugh, I really don't want to talk about it."

Liv flipped a page in her notebook and kept writing. I saw you hanging out with Mr. C after school. What were you doing with him?

"Nothing!" Jo said in horror. She clenched her fists and her cheeks got red. "I wanted his help. You aren't the only person who grew up in a cult. My life has been fucking hard too, ok?"

You're a rich bitch, Liv wrote, and stood the notebook up to Jo's face.

Jo swatted it away. "That's harsh, Liv. He tried to rape me, ok?! That's why he got fired."

Liv shook her head and wrote, You got him fired?

"No. He got himself fired. Listen, he's not the great guy you think he is. A couple of weeks ago, I was really upset about what happened to you, and Mr. C asked me if I wanted to go for a drive after school. I thought it was weird, but I really needed someone to talk to. So, I said yes. I thought we'd just drive around the block, but he took me to his house in the middle of nowhere. Then he gave me a joint, we talked and got stoned, but the next thing I know, he started kissing me and feeling me up! I was like, this can't be happening. I pushed him off of me, but he began following me around. I was like, 'get the fuck away from me, you pervert.' I ran out of his house and I called Ricky. Thank God my cell phone worked out there, 'cause I was freaking out."

She paused and looked at Liv, who had no visible reaction to her story. In fact, Liv's body had become rigid, and she'd stopped breathing. Her brain was having a hard time comprehending any of Jo's words. All she could do was close her eyes and shake her head.

"Well, I wasn't going to take it," Jo said. "I told Ricky what happened, and the weird thing was, he thought I was sleeping with Mr. C already. That got me angry, and I asked him why he would think that. Then he told me you said it to him, the night you ran away. That's when I thought, did he pull this shit on you, too?"

Every fiber of Liv's body tingled with hatred for Jo. She was twisting Mr. C into some sort of monster. When Jo opened her mouth to speak again, Liv hurled her notebook at her, the best she could, and grazed Jo's head. Jo gasped and felt her cheek. Liv jabbed her middle finger in the air.

Jo stumbled backwards towards the door and said, "What is wrong with you? This asshole tried to rape me, and you want to defend him? I know you need a friend right now, but..." Jo's voice broke with heavy sobs. "I can't help you anymore."

Jo turned away and opened the door. Mims was standing on the other side, looking worried.

"What's the matter?" Mims said, as Jo pushed past her and ran down the hall.

"What just happened to Josephina?"

Liv closed her eyes.

Mims pursed her mouth and put on her detached counselor face. "She just wanted to see you and cheer you up."

Liv coughed to mask the sobs that were curdling in her throat.

Mims came to her side and picked up the notebook that Liv had thrown on the floor. She placed it on Liv's lap and reached for Liv's hand. Liv waved her off and closed her eyes to show that she was tired.

"Are you breathing?" Mims said. Liv felt like she was peering through a telescope backwards. Everything in her field of vision constricted.

Mims kept talking to her, trying to coax her back from the abyss, but Liv kept falling. Images of Mr. C and his mischievous smile hit her retinas, but then disappeared when she looked. She heard the crash of a flamenco guitar riff and felt hands on her body. A white robe swished past her. She felt her mother's hand let go of hers and watched it follow the white robe. She crouched in the darkness and screamed, Don't leave me! over and over, but no one heard her.