DESIDERIUM

twenty five

"Just let me see him, please," someone pleads outside the door, loud enough to wake me up from my small slumber.

"No."

"It's been three days-"

"I don't care."

"Well, I care! I care about him and I want to check on him!"

"Do you really fucking think I'll fall for that shit?" Tristan finally snaps at Levi, essentially waking me up completely and I rub my still-sore eyes while sighing tiredly.

It's been three days since my breakdown, but it might as well have been three hours because I still feel like utter shit.

I did eventually stop crying because I fell asleep. And that's what I did most of the time. Sleep, while Tristan was there every time I woke up, which made me want to cry all over again because I honestly don't deserve him.

To some extent, I just feel guilty for worrying him so much.

He's never left my side once if he wasn't in my room, he was either guarding my door, so o one could get in, or fixing me something to eat or drink, since I couldn't get a lot down.

Goddess, he must be exhausted.

That's ultimately why I call Tristan's name and tell him, that he should let Levi in.

"Are you sure?" he asks, worried, always worried, and I nod, because I know I can't keep going like this.

I mean, as long as it's not Adrian.

I'm not sure if I ever want to see him again.

"You should go get some sleep, I'll be fine," I tell him, even if I'm anything but fine. We still haven't spoken about my revelation, and I don't know if that's good or bad. It just keeps me on edge, knowing that someone knows about one of my biggest secrets. Probably my biggest secret. Not just probably.

"Rafael-"

"Please, Tristan. I feel bad enough for keeping you here for so long anyway."

He tries to protest again, but I give him a stern look, as stern as it can get with me feeling so damn numb, so he just sighs and nods slowly.

"I'll be back in a few hours."

"No. You seriously need to get some sleep, I won't let you in if you come back in less than 9 hours."

Just thinking about being alone in a house with my mates alone for nine hours makes me uncomfortable, but I don't let it show, instead urge Tristan out the door, and he does, with one last troubled look at me.

I can hear him whisper something to Levi, and although I can't make out what heÄ's sayiing, I can tell by his tone that it's not exactly pleasant.

If I felt anything, I would feel bad. But I don't. I think the crying just drained me of all my emotions. Expect guilt.

"Rafael?" Levi tentatively calls out my name, and I hum in acknowledgment, "are you sure I can come in?"

"Isn't that what you've been begging Tristan for, for the last three days?" I call back, and when the door opens hesitantly and I get a good look at his face, I'm taken aback.

Goddess, he looks worse than he did when he woke up in the hospital.

But by the look on his face, I don't even want to know what I look like.

"Hi," he whispers, and almost on instinct I whisper the same word back. He just has that stupid effect on me and I-

"I can't even begin to tell you how genuinely sorry I am, Rafael."