DESIDERIUM

nine

One thing I've been avoiding since being back to my former pack, is well, my former pack. All the people, some of them especially.

I think I succeeded more or less but now, also trying to avoid my mates... it gets a little more difficult.

Maybe it's childish, me ignoring them, but I just feel so incredibly stupid and embarrassed for the night before, that I don't want to have to face them now.

That's why I left the house at fucking six in the morning to go to the woods, because I don't where else to go, without meeting people.

The only good thing about living with my mates has been the fact that their house is a little further away from the packhouse and the other homes.

I'm not even sure why, I think they just need their privacy sometimes.

I love being in the woods. It's always been my favorite place, which makes sense, considering that I can turn into a werewolf and all but I just always felt more at peace on my own in the woods.

And then there's the thing that I'm worried shitless about Tristan. I haven't seen him since yesterday when he left the house clearly upset.

Because now looking back on the last few days, I kinda feel like an asshole, because I never once asked him how he was.

I mean, I'm not the only one with bad memories here so I can only imagine how he must've been feeling, living in a room in the packhouse where a ton of his former pack members also live.

And now really thinking about it I'm kinda worried that something happened. Something or someone that triggered some memories and I wasn't there for him.

I can be such a selfish prick sometimes.

Now I'm conflicted whether or not I should actually risk meeting people by searching for him in the packhouse or just... stay in the woods.

"Shit," I mumble when I know that I already made my decision.

This isn't gonna end well. It's actually gonna end really badly, I know it.

As long as I don't meet my, well, uncle, then I'm fine. At least I think so.

I can just feel the worry and also the angst radiating from my wolf and I try to breathe in and out deeply, to calm us both down a bit.

We're gonna be fine. We had worse.

The walk to the packhouse seems like a lifetime but it probably only took me about ten minutes.

Ten minutes filled with a heart beating loudly in my ears and shaking hands.

Fuck, since when have I become such a coward?

Alright, deep breaths. You're gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine.

A few more steps and I am out of the deep forest. Some people notice me and give me weird looks, looks I try to ignore, telling myself that I'm used to them, even if I haven't been around my former pack for some time.

It's not like it was any different before the... the incident.

As I make my way to the packhouse, my brain starts to replay memories in my head, reminds me of the things that happened here, here at this all too familiar place, and my hands automatically ball into fists.

Fuck, why is this so difficult?

Suddenly it feels as if I was laying on the ground again, Adrian hovering over me, telling me he's banning me from the pack.

"Fuck," I mumble, holding my head in my fists, hitting it, trying to make the memories stop.

"Hey, are you okay?" I barely register the voice, only hearing my heart beating loudly in, knowing the feeling in my chest all too well, only making it worse as I try to talk myself out of the panic attack. 

"Rafael? Rafael!" that voice sounds familiar. I know that voice. 

"Hey, Rafael, it's me Tristan," Tristan? He's here? He's fine? 

"What's happening?" a different voice asks and the familiar dominating tone brings me into a state of panic once again, this time worse.

"Hey, Rafael!" 

Shut up, Adrian. Shut up. With him here it literally feels like when I was kicked out of the pack. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," I whisper, shaking my head furiously, trying to breathe properly and not shake so badly and calm down and-    

"Rafael, can you open your eyes for me?" a soft voice asks and I shake my head, not wanting to open my eyes and see all the judgemental stares and looks.

"Okay, that's fine, just breathe with me then, alright? Here," someone takes my hand, spreading tingles through my body but the person simply puts it on their chest, so I can feel them breathe in and out deeply.

I try to do as he says. By now I know who it is and if I weren't havong this stupid panic attack right now, I'd probably push him away and make a run for it but right now I just want to calm down because this shit is so scary. 

I hate panic attacks so fucking much.

"That's it, you're doing good," Levi soothes and I scoff at him, even if only weakly because what about this is good?

I'm so stupid. So weak. Why does this always happen to me?

I push Levi away after a few more minutes, opening my eyes but not looking anyone in the eyes, too ashamed to do so. 

"I'm sorry," I say in a small voice, shivering at the cold wind suddenly starting to blow.

"Nothing to be sorry for," Levi says, but I can tell he's just as shaken as me and confused.

Looking up I meet his eyes for a second, then Adrians, then Tristans. Another pair of blue eyes I don't recognize. A small redhead with freckles all over his face.

Tristan steps forward, putting his hand on my arm in a comforting manner, searching my eyes again but I can't look at any of them. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry," I mumble, but there's nothing in my voice that's sincere or sorry.

By now the familiar numbness has set in. One that I'm used to already.