DESIDERIUM

twenty three

It's around three o' clock when the doctor comes in to check in on Levi, and to my surprise, actually tells us that he's already allowed to leave.

Adrian makes sure that that's actually the case, by making the young doctor re-do his examination on Levi and when he still finds no sign of there being anything wrong with him, Adrian believes him.

So we pack the few things he has here in a bag, which I take because Levi is leaning on Adrian for support since he is still a little shaky on his legs.

"There's gonna be a pack meeting later tonight," Adrian tells us, or rather Levi, "we need to figure out who that man is, why they are attacking us, and what poison they use, to be able to put two wolves into a fucking coma."

The last two words sound more like a growl than anything, but I can't blame him, just thinking that Levi could've been the one in a coma, makes me want to throw up.

Jesus, when did I get so attached to him again? Then again, was I ever not? Probably not.

"Rafael, do you want to join?"

I don't realize he's talking to me until Levi reaches out and squeezes my arm.

"Huh? What?" I ask caught off guard because I haven't been paying attention to anything that they've been saying.

"Do you want to join the pack meeting?"

Just when I register the question he's asked, thinking I didn't hear him right, something else entirely catches my attention.

Or rather someone.

Almost immediately my whole body freezes, every muscle under my skin so tense that I feel like they might burst.

My feet lock onto the ground and because Levi's hand is still on my arm, he feels my change in body language almost immediately.

"Rafael, what's the matter?"

I don't answer him, because I can't, because I feel like I've gone into lockdown, my heart beating so loudly in my ears that I'm afraid it's actually going to beat out of my chest.

Adrian follows my gaze and when he sees what I'm looking at, he tenses, his eyes snapping back to me almost immediately.

But I don't react to him. All I'm focused on is the person only a few feet away from me.

The worst part about is that he's looking right back at me.

The person that ruined me, the person my wolf hates more than anyone in the world, the person who's mere existence I've banned from my mind, trying to bury him and the memories that come with him somewhere deep inside of me, never to be dug up again.

"Rafael," that's all it takes from him, and everything inside of me begins to crumble. Just completely destroy all my built-up walls and everything else surrounding it.

My name from my uncles mouth is something I never wanted to hear again.

I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble because I can see Adrians and Levis mouths moving, my uncle approaching me in a wheelchair, his daughter, my cousin, close on his heels, Levis hand still on my arm. But I don't hear anything. I don't understand anything . I don't feel anything.

Instead everything inside me is numb.

I feel like I'm underwater, but I'd rather be underwater, than here.

My wide eyes search for an exit, the ringing in my ears just getting louder and louder, and I don't even really register my own feet moving, just realize it when the scenery before my eyes starts to change and I somehow manage to find another exit, without having to pass my... my uncle.

That realization is what makes me start heaving when I'm outside the building, near the forest ground, but there's nothing in my stomach I could throw up.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," I whisper, my voice alien in my ears and when another one appears behind me, I flinch violently.

"You have some fucking nerve reacting like that."

Coming face to face with my cousin I would've actually been surprised if it weren't for my racing thoughts and the ringing in my ears and my loud heartbeat and my shaky hands.

Me and Anna never had a good relationship with each other, her father made sure of that, including many other things.

"You have some fucking nerve!" she spits in my face, coming closer to me than we've probably ever been.

Moon goddess, she's grown so much. How old is she now, fifteen?

But I can't focus on that either, because my wolf is not reacting and that just sets me more into panic than before.

Why isn't he reacting? Where is he? I think I'm actually going crazy this time.

"Anna- just, I can't d-do this right now-"

"You can't do this right now?" she roars, and I know by the way her breathing starts getting heavier and her hands start balling into fists, that's she's about to shift.

"I'm so-sorry-"

"You ruined my fucking life!" she screams, just when Adrian and Levi start pushing through the door, thank the moon goddess without my uncle.

"Anna-" Levi starts, but I don't even think she realized that they're right behind her, coming closer to us.

Levi's concerned eyes find mine but I can't look at them right now because everything inside me just squeezes together painfully and it feels like all the pain I've been trying to push away is now there, right beneath the surface of the ocean, ready to be brought back to land like a pearl hidden away in a shell, in the depths of the ocean.

A really ugly, dark, bad, cursed pearl.

But I'm not ready. I'm not ready, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from it. A simple pearl.

"You ruined my life," she repeats, and the way her voice breaks I just know. I know that I did, because by leaving, her father needed a replacement for me and she- she

"Anna, please-" I try, my voice so horribly hoarse and fuck, I think I'm gonna cry.

I think I'm gonna cry and I'm so fucking afraid because I don't think I'll ever be able to stop if I start now.

"You know the worst part of it," she begins, her eyes filling just like mine, "the worst part about it is that he isn't even your real uncle."

"He was kind enough to adopt you into this family and you repay him how, by putting him in a wheelchair?"

"W-what?"

My wolf finally gives his first sign of life when he registers what she just said.

"Rafael," Adrian cuts in, and when I look at him, I know that Anna didn't just mix her words up, but that what she said is true.

When she wants to open her mouth, Adrian speaks up again, his voice firm, but his eyes, still fixated on me, tell a whole different story.

"No," I shake my head, not wanting to believe anything I've just heard, "what does she mean by that?"

Goddess, I sound so utterly broken. Maybe I am.

"Adrian, what does she mean?" Levi whispers this time, unsure eyes fixated on him, and said person closes his eyes, before breathing in deeply.

"It's true," he whispers, his dark eyes still locked with mine, "Ray isn't his actual uncle. At least not by blood."

This time when I look away from him, I'm not sure if this isn't the last time I will ever have to. I'm not sure, because I don't know if I can ever look into his eyes ever again.

yikes. poor rafael.