DESIDERIUM

twenty one

When I come to Adrian's and Levi's place that evening, I feel off.

Off because everything's just too much and I feel so much and so little at the same time and I feel like I might go crazy.

The attack from the hunters, Levi being one of the people injured, Adrian's outburst, the hunter in the woods, Adrian's apology, Levi waking up, and then Tristan's story.

His story... pierced right through my heart.

And all I can think about is how unfair this world is. To me, to the people, I care about, to everyone. Everyone.

Everywhere I go, there's just so much pain and I just don't know how to not notice it.

By the time I close the door of the house behind me, my mind is such a mess, I can't even think clearly anymore. All I see is this never-ending loop of pain and darkness that just keeps haunting me no matter how fast I run or how well I hide, it always finds me. It always finds a way to get to me.

And I'm afraid that at some point I won't be able to escape it anymore. Maybe even don't want, because what's the point of it, if it just keeps coming back no matter what I do?

What I don't expect is for Adrian to sit on the sofa in the living room. I can't even meet his eyes when searches for mine, my hands playing with the hem of my sweater. 

"Hi?" I ask, but my voice cracks, and I clench my eyes shut, willing myself to get a grip on myself and press my fingernails into the skin of my palms in hopes to achieve that. 

"Rafael," he greets, studies me without saying anything else, noticing something's wrong almost immediately. Of course, he does, he always does. 

Because he's always the one that sees the pain of others while pushing his own down somewhere where not even he himself can get to it. 

"Do you want to sit down?" he asks, and I shake my head, too afraid to use my voice because it will break again and again and because the only thing I can focus on is my heart beating way too fucking fast and my skin that feels like it's on fucking fire and my breathing going way too fast for my liking.

"Okay, that's fine."

I shake my head again, I don't why, and before I can stop them, the words flow out of my mouth, "nothings's fine. Nothing is ever fine."

My voice doesn't break but sounds hoarse and something in Adrian's gazes shifts, his eyebrows furrowing just the tiniest bit. 

"Nothing's ever fucking fine," I snap because that realization hurts and I just want to be fine for once in my fucking life.

I start scratching the skin on my arms because it feels like my skin is on fire or poison is flowing through my veins but before I can really hurt myself, gentle hands grab my wrists, pulling them away from my now slightly irritated skin.

"Come on Rafael, breath with me," he soothes, his thumbs rubbing over my pulse point, and I watch him do it, my eyes glassy. 

"There's so much pain everywhere," I tell him, in a small whisper, my eyes still cast downwards, just staring at the way his hands hold onto mine. 

"Everywhere I look and go there's just... so much pain."

I don't know if he understands and I'm not even sure I even understand myself.

His skin is rough, but not too rough and it feels good on mine and I realize that our hands fit together just as much as mine and Levi's do. 

Or maybe I just want them to.

There's a silence engulfing us for some time, before Adrian sighs, a deep, sorrowful sound.

"Sometimes I wish I were someone else entirely," he confesses, and I look up at him, with him standing so close to me, I can barely think clearly but he's here and that's all that matters right now.

Just let it be enough for now. 

"Me too," I whisper, after some time, the understanding in his eyes just another thing that huts, because I don't want him to understand. I don't want him to feel the pain I do.

Why does everyone in this world need to be hurting somehow?

His eyes are so soft, and his hands so gentle and I don't even know why I do it, but I just let my head fall forward onto his chest and wrap my arms around him tightly.

"Rafael..." he whispers but doesn't say anything else.

After hesitating a little, he wraps his arms around me as well, our breaths now the only thing heard in the room. And his heartbeat, his heart that's beating too fast, for it to be normal.

"I just... I don't know..." he starts but doesn't know how to continue, but the words just flow out of my mouth. 

"If you could take it all back, you would?" I guess, and he exhales loudly, and I feel him nod against my shoulder, his arms securing around me just a little tighter.

"I know," I whisper, thinking of Levi and his words earlier that day.

"I missed this. I missed you," he tells me, and this time I'm the one that just nods my head in understanding.

Obviously, I missed them too. It's all I ever did. Wish for things to change, for them to be different. The sleepless nights I spent at Tristan's and my home were rarely filled with anything but this longing for them.

But the pain was just as present and in order for me to not lose my mind over these conflicting feelings I just... shut them off.

Became numb and indifferent to most things. If it weren't for Tristan I'd probably be an empty shell of myself by now. 

He helped me connect with my wolf and that's something that has helped me a lot through these two years. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved, right?

My wolf huffs in my head and a small, sad smile forms on my face. 

"Thank you," I whisper because without Adrian here I would've had a full-blown panic attack and would've done moon goddess knows what. 

"You don't need to thank me, ever. It's me who should be thanking you," he whispers, his arms loosening around me, so he can keep me at arm's length and look at me.

"What for?"

"For trying to let us in again. The moon goddess knows we don't deserve it."

I just look at him for a little, before giving him a small, hesitant smile, untangling myself from him.

"I'm going to bed, say hi to Levi from me?" I ask, but his confused face stops me in my tracks to the guest room.

"I don't..." he stutters, and if I'm not imagining things, I think there's an actual blush on his cheeks.

"What? Is he okay?" I ask worried, and he nods almost immediately.

"Yes, he's perfectly fine, passed out cold. I just... wanted to stay with you," the last part he rambles so fast, that I don't catch it. 

"What?" 

He sighs, regaining his posture and this time looking me straight in the eyes, "I wanted to stay with you."

Oh. Oh.

"You did?" I ask, suddenly feeling a little breathless, and he nods, but I'm not convinced, "you really don't have to, if you need-"

"I need to stay with you. Please," he adds and I could never say no to a flustered Adrian, that's why I nod and when he follows me to the guest room, I try to ignore the way my heart is beating way too fucking fast.

But when I listen, so does Adrian's and I'm glad I'm not the only one affected by this. 

so, what do we think?? I know none of you really like Adrian, so I thought I'd do him a favor and show, that he has a different side to him as well