DESIDERIUM

twenty four

My brain just shuts off completely after that. After the realization hits.

I sink to the ground and curl my arms around my knees, my head tucked in safely, cover my ears and my eyes. Maybe in hopes to wake up from this nightmare.

A nightmare that isn't actually one, but is just reality. The harsh reality we live in, the one we can't simply escape from by waking up.

There are hands touching me, voices calling my name, barking orders, but I don't want to hear any of it because I just don't want to be here anymore.

The grip around my knees doesn't falter, instead, I start rocking back and forth, something I've always done as a kid, when I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to block out everything around me.

The only thing that makes me react when I realize the one touching me is Adrian, and I flinch away from him, crawling back until my back hits a tree and I cover away again, my head hidden between my knees.

If I didn't feel the bile rising up my throat I would've told him to never touch me again. Ever.

I don't know how much time passes and I don't care, but then there's another voice calling out my name. A voice I know, that my wolf knows, and that we actually take comfort in.

"Hi Rafael, it's me, Tristan," he speaks softly, but I don't acknowledge him, just stay curled up right where I am.

"Can I touch you?" he asks, and just because of the fact that he actually asks, I nod.

"Okay, I'm gonna touch your knee, yeah?"

I nod again, my mind a mess, his voice the only thing that actually gets through the dark fog in my head.

"Okay, good," he says, and when he touches my knee I don't flinch, so he sits down next to me, his leg and arm touching mine.

He doesn't acknowledge Adrian and Levi that are still trying to talk to me, and neither do I.

"Now breathe with me, slowly, in and out."

But I shake my head, at that. Because I can't. Because I don't want to. I don't want to breathe anymore. I never want to breathe properly again.

I just want everything to stop. Stop breathing is the first step towards that. That's the only solution my mind can come up with.

"None of that, Rafael," he scolds faintly, but I can tell that he's shaken, probably because none of my outbursts he's ever witnessed before were this bad.

"I don't want to breathe anymore," I tell him, my voice barely audible, but I know he heard me by the way his body tenses next to mine.

But it's not him that speaks up.

"Don't say stuff like that," Adrian retaliates, but there's no fire behind his words. They sound more scared than anything.

"I told you to fucking leave. You've done enough," Tristan finally snaps at them, and I know he's really holding himself back right now.

"No-"

"Leave," I cut him off, "I n-never want to look at you again."

"You can't say stuff like that-" he says, voice choked, and normally I would've stopped, would've felt bad, because Adrian never loses composure like this, but this time I don't.

"I said go away!" I scream suddenly, unexpectedly, and even dare to look up at him. even though I never wanted to see him again, I look at him because I want to hurt him the way he hurt me.

And it works. Because the moment our eyes lock, his start filling up.

I don't know what he sees in them, but I hope it hurts. God, I really fucking hope it hurts because I'm hurting so much right now. And I feel like I might burst any second now.