Dai Li's Personal Spy

Chapter 14: "Are you...OK?"

My breaths slowed, and my grip on my shirt loosened. I breathed through my nose, trying to calm down. I sat down on my bunk, head in my hands. I can't believe I did it again. The man wasn't even touching me. He was just repeating what his father said to his mother. I hurt someone who was defenceless.

Exactly what a Dai Li agent would do, I thought ironically. A tear silently strolled down my face. It was lazy and warm, coating my face with weakness.

A knock came at my door. I didn't even bother to look up.

"Go away Iroh," I said, voice weak.

"I'm not Iroh." I snapped my head up at the raspy voice. It was Zuko. I wiped my face, feeling embarrassed.

"What do you want?" I asked, mentally exhausted. He said nothing but came and sat down next to me, leaving enough room for the Firelord.

I stared at him blankly, surprised he sat down.

"Are you...OK?" He asked, voice slightly cracking in nerves. He obviously didn't do this much.

"I lost control," I admitted, staring at the dried blood on my fingernails. Dark.

"I think you did what came to you at that moment," Zuko said. I lifted my head to look at him in shock. He looked straightforward.

"Zuko, when I turn like that, that violence. It's not good. I hurt people who don't deserve it and I become like those who've hurt me. The rowdy man taunts me, I hurt him and I change ships. The same thing happens again and I change ships. New day, same pattern." The last word came out in a choke as a frog welled in my throat.

I attempted to blink back my tears but they just kept coming. I buried my face in my hands in shame, shoulders bobbing up and down erratically in silent sobs. I sat there like an idiot, letting my emotions carry me away. I felt the mattress shift, and Zuko moved closer to me. He did nothing for a while but, slowly but surely, he silently extended his arm around me and hugged my side.

In most normal instances I wouldn't take it, I'd pull away. Pull away from the comfort because it brought too much pain. But I was already in pain. So I buried my head into his shoulder and pressed my hands onto his chest, hysterically sobbing.

He didn't speak, he just held me.

***

I groggily tossed and turned in my bed, finally waking up. I propped myself up on my hands, squinting my eyes. I was slightly out of it, feeling like I had just taken a short and exhaustive nap. My small window let some sun inside, the colour a deep orange, casting long shadows on the steel floor. Waves sloshed up to the window, splattering it with sea salt. I sat up fully, rubbing my eyes.

The past events came flooding back to me. The kitchen, the blood, the look Iroh gave me. And then Zuko. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and buried my head in my hands. I couldn't believe I was so vulnerable in front of him. And above all, I fell asleep? But what haunted me the most is that I lashed out at someone again. I kicked my feet around in frustration, practically screaming out.

I clenched my hair in my fists feeling embarrassed. Zuko hadn't shown any sort of affection towards me up until that point. Was it affection or was I just crying hysterically like a little girl? Just like back when we were kids.

I felt my hands begin to heat up at the thought of my childhood. I sharply inhaled and brought my hands away from my head, steam wafting off of my palms. I hoped I hadn't seared off some of my hair. I calmed down and waved my hands around, trying to cool off.

I eyed my drawer full of empty pages meant to be written and sent out to the Dai Li. I hadn't sent a report out in a while. As I became more 'close' to Zuko, perhaps border lining on a friend or at the very least, a colleague, it felt wrong to go behind his back and his uncles back to write the reports telling the Dai Li every single move.

A knock came on my door. I knew it wasn't Zuko, because he wouldn't come back after that. But I had a strong feeling it was Iroh. I sighed a 'come in' and the steel door opened. It was Iroh's recognisable figure that stepped through the door. I groaned and flopped back on the bed. Iroh came and sat down next to me.

"Hello Miss Laina, did you enjoy your nap?" Iroh asked joyfully. I eyed him from my laying down position, slightly glaring. He chuckled.

"Iroh, I know why you're really here."

"Oh, you do?"

I nodded, arm over my eyes. "You're here to fire me."

He laughed like the idea was absurd. I propped myself up, confused.

"I'm not here to fire you, Miss Laina, I'm here to tell you that Xie has been fired," Iroh said heartily, warmth in his voice.

"What? How? I attacked him, he's a senior... I don't understand." I said, brows furrowed.

"Xie has had many offences, but none severe enough to fire him. He has said many awful things about you behind your back and to your face, and after your... incident, Zuko saw Xie's comments as reason enough to fire him." Iroh explained.

I got up entirely, stunned at Zuko's behaviour. Like comforting me when I was balling my eyes out hysterically wasn't enough.

"You're joking, right? Zuko would never." I stated.

"You underestimate my nephew Miss Laina," Iroh told her, suddenly becoming very serious.

I sat there in silence for a little while before speaking again. "Thank you, but I still made a man bleed." I looked down at my nails, crusted blood trapped between the whites and the skin. I tucked my fingers in, ashamed. Iroh looked away awkwardly.

"Well, I do believe that is something we should focus on. I think we should limit some of your jobs around the ship and resume your training with Prince Zuko. It's a good way to release tension in your body." Iroh suggested. It wasn't a half-bad idea. We hadn't resumed sparring since the south pole, but when we did I always felt more relaxed after.

"I think that would be good," I said to Iroh. He smiled.

"I believe your chi path is blocked, and sparring with my nephew will help clear it up," Iroh explained. I smiled, nodding. Iroh smiled back and got up to leave. He closed the door and I flopped back down onto my bed, groaning.