waves~ || skz Jeongin

tea~

It was about a month later.

The last weeks had been so good I almost forgot the monster even existed.

Today Jihye had a day off and took Harin shopping.

They would stay overnight with Jihye's friends and their children.

I was alone.

It wasn't good for me to be alone, I realized. Not right now, anyways.

I was just sitting on the couch, way deeper immersed in some reality tv show than I would ever admit - as suddenly I felt it.

'It' started with a weird tug in my tummy.

Almost familiar, though I refused to acknowledge that.

Then suddenly my shirt felt too stiff and big, my pants too plain.

My body wasn't like my own anymore.

I swallowed.

On the tv, some girl broke down crying, bawling.

Yes, I couldn't help thinking, me too.

My fingernails dug painfully into my arms, trying to stop the feeling from spreading out, trying to at least distract me from it.

I hated how familiar it felt.

I knew all this.

I had felt it so many times already.

But today something was different.

It was more... urgent?

When usually ignoring and avoiding that feeling could help me getting through it, today nothing was able to distract me.

I turned off the tv.

There were red marks on my forearms, small scratches from my nails.

I hated this.

I hated this, I hated it, I hated it so ferociously.

Everything was so wrong.

Me.

I was wrong.

So wrong.

I shot up from the couch, naively hoping the feeling would stay soaked into the cushions. Allowing me to escape.

It didn't.

It clung to me, the monster suddenly free from any chains, not longer in a corner of my consciousness but instead out here, present as ever, dark tentacles tightening around my chest.

Suffocating me.

I found my way into the bathroom only by auto pilot.

The first thing able to pierce through the black storm in my mind was the cold stone of the sink pressed under my palms.

A shaky breath.

Tears swam in my eyes. I felt terrible, felt lost and so afraid.

I looked up.

My reflection in the mirror stared back at me, haunted.

Usually when I looked in the mirror, I was satisfied.

I mean. I'm an attractive man.

Aged like fine wine.

Usually when I looked in the mirror, I'm happy.

I'm happy because that's me and I know that's me and I'm good with that.

Not so today.

Today I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't happy because whoever - whatever - stared back at me through the reflection, it wasn't me.