waves~ || skz Jeongin

angels~

'Appa'

Something touched my arm.

'Appa'

I jumped awake.

It was in the middle of the night.

My daughter stood next to my bed, her hand on my arm.

Her eyes were full of tears, her cheeks wet.

Irritated, I looked to my other side, searching for Jihye, but then I remembered she had night shift. Her side of the bed was empty.

I sat up.

'Harin?'

My daughter began sobbing again so I quickly took her in my arms. Her little body was shaking.

'Hey, sweetheart, what happened?'

'Appa' she whispered in my shoulder between two sobs.

'Yes, angel?'

'I- I had a scary dream-'

I hugged her tighter. Lately she had nightmares quite often.

She would come to our room to sleep in our bed or get one of us to come to her bed. Otherwise she wouldn't be sleeping at all for the rest of the night.

I gently patted her head.

'It was just a dream, okay? Not real. Okay?'

She hesitantly nodded, her face still buried in my nightshirt.

'Why don't we go back to your room, angel?'

She nodded again and I lifted her up, made her sit on my hip, the way Jihye would always carry her. I liked how I somehow felt like a single mom when carrying Harin around like that.

As we reached her room, I put her carefully down on her bed and then laid beside her.

I pulled the too small blanket over both of us, my back remaining free. I made sure that Harin was fully covered and nestled up to me. The cold at my back wasn't bothering me, I kinda grew used to that over the last months.

'Goodnight my angle. No more bad dreams now, okay? I'm taking care of that'

She nodded, already sleepy.

'Goodnight appa'

Her eyes fell closed.

I caressingly swiped a strand of her long silky hair behind her ear.

I watched my daughter attentively in case her bad dreams were returning.

Harin slept calmly though.

She was the most beautiful girl that had ever been on this earth.

I looked more closely.

Her delicate face actually resembled of what my own did look like when I was her age.

Harin was just so much more beautiful.

Suddenly I felt a weird stinging pain in my stomach.

I needed a moment to understand what it was I felt. Jealousy? No, no, it was envy.

But how could I be envious of my own daughter?

It pretty surely came with the second I compared her to the image of my younger self.

Oh, how baby Jeongin would've wanted this long hair, pretty lashes and painted nails.

I pressed my eyes closed.

I couldn't be envious of my own daughter.

Shut up, shut up, shut up-

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I tried to think of Jisung and how he always calmed himself down from a panic attack.

I wasn't having a panic attack.

No, that was different.

I was just lost.

Really, seriously fucking lost.

Why didn't shutting out these thoughts work anymore?

I mean, it worked pretty well for the last.. what now, twenty years?

What the hell was different now?

I shouldn't think like that, shouldn't feel like that. I had a good life.

I was (almost) married to the most amazing woman in the world and was proud father of a beautiful daughter.

I had a good life.

A. Good. Life.

No need to change anything.

My breathing tripped again and again.

Breathe in. And out.

Jisung.

I tried to imagine Jisung's calming voice.

I was happy with my life, with my family.

Happy and busy and.. and I did not have time to start questioning my whole existence.

I don't have time for this I don't have time for this I don't..

Breathe in.

Jisung's voice. You're alright.

I'm alright.

I should stop thinking.

Felix's voice.

Maybe genderqueer or something.

Get out of my fucking head.

That thought has no place there.

Not now.

Maybe when I'm old and crinkly and don't have any responsibilities left other than feeding a meager housecat that will outlive me anyways.

Until then I'm a man. A goddamn man.

Because that's what I owe everyone.

Harin shifted in her sleep.

The movement brought me back to reality.

I had gripped the sheets so violently that my knuckles were turning white.

I let out a heavy breath and relaxed myself.

Harin shifted again, her eyes fluttering half open.

'Appa?'

I swallowed.

'Everything is alright. Sleep, my angel'

'You're too' she mumbled, already drifting away again.

'What?' I whispered. I didn't expect her to answer.

'Angel' came silently back.

I stared at her for long heartbeats.

She was asleep again.

There were tears in my eyes.

I should stop crying so much.

'I love you' I whispered in her hair that nuzzled against my nose.

I knew she couldn't hear me anymore, but I wanted to say it anyways.

'I love you, my beautiful angel, and no matter what happens in the future, no matter what happens with me, with you, I love you, and that's a truth that will always exist between us, okay? I want you to know that. My precious.'

Needless to say, I was really crying right now.

I was so goddamn afraid to lose her.

I didn't know what was coming for me and that terrified me.

Because in the process of whatever there would be... I felt like I would risk everything. Her, and Jihye, and what life we build ourselves.

I pulled her petite body closer to my chest.

Pressed my eyes closed.

And willed myself to stop thinking.

Just stop thinking.

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