Courting

Chapter 13

When his eyes returned to rest on Ao'nung's face, Neteyam found the boy was finally looking back at him, but the gaze Ao'nung levelled was not one Neteyam thought he would be receiving that morning. The look wasn't angry, or perhaps it was. Whatever it was, Neteyam found it foreboding. Tentatively walking over to Ao'nung, Neteyam tried to replace the grimace on his own face with a smile, hoping Ao'nung's mood would miraculously lighten and they could go back to... Neteyam had to stop himself before his face could build an obvious blush. Despite the wishful thinking, Ao'nug didn't break into a smile and embrace Neteyam there and then, he just turned and walked towards the rock flat. Neteyam's smile faltered once more, having hoped to show Ao'nung his ilu riding progression, but he followed nonetheless. 

Speeding up slightly, Neteyam tried to walk in step with Ao'nung, raising his arm to rest on his boyfriend's waist. But Ao'nung happened to speed up at the same time, and Neteyam's arm fell on open air. Now not smiling at all, Neteyam's mouth hung open slightly, and he stopped. Ao'nung stopped instantly, apparently paying more attention to Neteyam than it seemed. Turning slowly, Ao'nung's face was revealed, a blank mask. Neteyam crossed his arms. 

"What?" the word was annoyed, but his tone hinted at something else. 

"Are you okay?" Neteyam stepped closer, daring to rest a hand on Ao'nung's shoulder, who immediately shrugged it off. Neteyam backed away again, mouth open again as his brow creased and his head tilted to the side. 

The expression on Neteyam's face killed Ao'nung. He would have given anything for his father to take back what he said, to be allowed (in good conscience) to kiss Neteyam right there. To pick him up, wrap his arms under the waistband that framed Neteyam's hips so well. But he couldn't. He steeled his throat, refusing to betray his shattered heart. 

"I'm fine." 

"No, you're not." Neteyam told him.

"Why ask then?" 

"Because I care about you skxawng." Neteyam didn't smile, his attempt at humour falling to the ground. Ao'nung wanted to tell Neteyam he cared too, he cared so much it hurt. But he couldn't, so he said nothing. 

"I thought... You said..." Neteyam's voice was so soft, so quiet, Ao'nung felt the words pierce his heart sharp as glass. But his father had been clear. 

"It was a mistake." This sentence was the biggest lie Ao'nung had ever spoken.

"But... us?" Neteyam couldn't put together a sentence, he was struggling just to stand. 

"There is no us. Not anymore." Ao'nung had to force his legs not to shake, his voice so close to cracking. To Ao'nung's horror, Neteyam nodded.

"I am a distraction. I saw you talking to your father, he is right." No, no he isn't Ao'nung wanted to scream, to take Neteyam's shoulders and shake him, make him see sense, but he didn't move. "You are the future Olo'eytkan, you don't have time for me." Neteyam didn't say this selfishly, and there was no sarcasm or pettiness in his voice, just the purest sadness Ao'nung had ever heard. "You must focus, I get in the way. You don't need an escape, you need support." Ao'nung was about to pull his own hair out. Neteyam was his support, wasn't it obvious? Didn't he see that Ao'nung was about to fall apart, and every word Neteyam said was pulling him further away? 

He said nothing. He wanted Neteyam to yell, to fight him, to do anything but walk away. So naturally, the opposite happened. Neteyam smiled weakly, trying and failing to be assuring. Ao'nung didn't move, he couldn't, and when the sound of Neteyam's light footsteps trailed off, he collapsed. It didn't matter the rock cut his knees, the water quite literally adding salt to the wound. The only thing that mattered was that Ao'nung focus. He couldn't be distracted and Neteyam could do better, deserved better. Someone who could give him all the attention and love he needed, without the added weight and stress of training to be chief. Even as he thought this, tears rolled down his face, become indistinguishable from the salt water lapping over the rock below him. Silently, Ao'nung mourned the death of his biggest happiness in... ever.

But it was better this way... wasn't it?

Even as the words left his lips, as he heard what his own mouth was saying, Neteyam wanted to take it back. He would have rathered drown, be mauled by a skimwing, shred his shins on coral, lie on the sand in the full blaze of the sun. Anything, to escape this. But he wasn't lying, at least he didn't think he was. He was clearly a distraction, he had taken Ao'nung away for the night, and convinced him to disobey his fathers orders. It was his fault Ao'nung was in this position, and Neteyam needed to take responsibility. As his father had taught him, don't ever drop responsibility because it is easier to live without. Walking past Ao'nung, it took every fibre of his being and soul, every drop of strength Eywa had ever gifted him, not to jump at Ao'nung. He wanted to hide his face in the crook of his boyfriends neck, hide from this nightmare. But he couldn't, he didn't have a boyfriend anymore. Neteyam couldn't afford to be this selfish. But he wanted to be, he wanted it more than he had ever wanted anything. As he walked off, forcing himself not to look back, Neteyam tried and failed to remind himself they had only known each other for months, hardly even. Had he turned back, he would've seen Ao'nung fall to the ground and his head fall forward.

But he didn't, because it was better this way. Wasn't it?

(Spoiler alert it's not better this way)