Golden Rain [COMPLETE]

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I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. "No... I can't..."

People were all so close. The walls were closing in. I needed space. I needed quiet. I needed to get away from everything, everyone.

I needed Sav.

Miranda tried to comfort me by rubbing my arm, but I rushed out of my seat away from her. Knowing there was one place in this hospital that always seemed to make things a bit more bearable, I made my way to the elevator.

"Kason," Miranda called after me. But I kept going. She didn't follow and neither did Rico. Good.

My feet knew the way even after these few months. Up. Down the hall. To the right at the end. There.

Tentatively, I stepped into the room, only lit by the slight light coming into the floor-to-ceiling windows on the left wall. Heavy clouds had rolled in and so despite the vastness of those windows, the room was left mostly dark.

Standing in front of the lounge hall's windows, I stared out at the city beyond. It was the same view I'd memorized two months ago when both Kaybree and Abigail were locked up here, on the verge of giving up on life. Now, despite having Kaybree being physically better, things felt so much worse. Abigail was still struggling to keep breath in her lungs. I'd blown up at Kaybree and wasn't sure if our relationship would ever be the same again. And I'd most likely lost the girl who had brought me a Pepsi and a sandwich, just out of the kindness of her heart.

I stepped forward and rested my head against the cool glass pane. My eyes fluttered closed as I tried to enjoy the darkness, the quietness, the slight peace that I'd found what felt like so long ago.

It didn't come. I didn't feel any better or different. That wasn't true. I did feel different. Because the numbness was thawing into anger. Burning hot anger that was fueled by brokenness and desperation.

Just like the day before, I had to scream. I let it out without even meaning to, though I hoped it would help as an emotional release. But when it was over, I somehow felt worse. Because screaming did nothing to change the situation. It just made me look like a fool.

Yet I did it again as tears gathered in my eyes and I banged my hands against the windows.

I stopped when my throat felt like it was being ripped out of my body. Though the cough had left, my throat had only gotten worse over the night and I was sure all the excessive exclamations didn't help the situation.

Resting my forehead against the glass once more, I just stood there and let the few tears I'd shed drip from my chin. The cold numbness was trying to return and I wasn't sure if I preferred the fits of overwhelming anger and sadness or absolutely nothing at all. Both ripped apart what little will to keep going I had left.

I wanted so badly to give up. To hide away and never return to the real world. But I knew I couldn't and that that thought was completely irrational. But it sounded like such an easy escape...

I stood like this for a long time, possibly minutes or hours, I wasn't sure. My body felt heavy, so heavy that I didn't want to even stand anymore. But I was too spent to even sit down. I hated everything about myself right now.

A slow thought, one that hadn't fully formed but had been dwelling at the back of my mind for a while, developed in my head. Abigail is going to die.

All the hope I had remaining was sucked away.

She'd only been in my life for two months, yet imagining life without her didn't feel like life at all.

How could I keep going about mundane daily routines if she died?

How could I pretend she never happened, that I'd never been a dad, honorary or otherwise?