him.

~|chapter 9|~

I chose a rainbow bear, and you know when you put the heart in? I asked very family member that was with me then to touch it so I could make my wish before I put it in. The rainbow bear means a lot to me, been with me so much it.

I've held it in my arms just breaking down, bawling my eyes out. Because not only did I miss my foster family so bad. I wanted out of this. Before I was put into a new foster family, I cried myself every night to sleep at my dads after Sasha and her family moved. I was alone there in that house. I prayed to god, I prayed and prayed every night before I went to bed praying that'll get better. But it didn't get better so I confided in looking at the full moon whenever I got the chance to see it. I look up at it and blow a kiss. Cause I know my foster mum is looking down at me, doing the same back. That didn't ease it, never helped it either.

My rainbow bear has seen me at my worst. Seen and heard me cry myself to bed. My comfort bear has always been there for me even after a bad day. I go home and lay with her and hug her as tight as I can and I bawl my eyes out. Because I'm terrified, I'm scared. Everything crashing around my head like heavy metal, but confusion isn't from god they say it's straight from the devil. Never thought I'd be in so deep in I didn't play attention to anything around me I just went on.

You're wrong dad you'll see.

It's always been living up to standards. good grades on everything or you're not my kid. But I don't think he sees how hard I try. I love my brother. He means a lot to me. He's very sassy sometimes and a tad bit of annoying but I do love him. I can't actually put my finger on it but he's the best brother I have despite what has happened. Ever wish you could just go back in time and change anything? I do.

There's this guy in my class I don't know how to describe him. But to profile him oh gosh ready?

He's merely a teenager seeking any semblance of emotion; his parents barely acknowledge his actions unless it involves drinking. He clings to a relationship for the affection he craves, and smoking became his coping mechanism, mirroring his parents' habits. Consistently tardy, be it for school or any other event, he sticks with the same crowd he's entangled with, sinking deeper into their world. In these places, exhaustion consumes him without hesitation, leaving him drained. Nights pass without sleep, tormented by thoughts that churn his stomach. He attempted to break free from this situation, but instead, it worsened.

I don't know much about profiling, so it says a lot that I could say all that. Like I've said I've had rumors spread and lies but I can't figure out why. Everything has happened for a reason right? how can we find out when we don't know that reason. Life's a mystery.

I started watching season 2 of Ginny and Georgia I binge watched it. You know what I think? I think everyone's a Georgia. Everyone has had a troubled childhood and probably still has trauma from it.

Marriage is dungeon, is a dungeon.
Love is just weapon, is a weapon.
Beauty's an illusion, an illusion.

Marriage, you can never be too safe in a marriage. Love is a weapon because it can be used against you so many times that it can blind you and you won't see it coming time after time. Beauty, is like a face full of makeup or a gut acting tough going to the gym to get big. Sometimes I don't think that people see what other people see. You could see that girl is pretty because she did her make up good or is naturally beautiful or a guy that has a really good body. But it's you're brain that tricks you.

Cause in you're head it all becomes just some silly illusion that you're brain made.

Today i thought about death. You see it really does concern me in that way, for we all die but we'll never know the answer until we are close enough to a life or death situation. I think I've watched to much criminal minds but it's true what I think. I could die today or in a few years time.

I could die of gunshot wounds, blunt force trauma to the head, strangulation, sexual abuse, abuse, sexual assault before throat sliced or any other body part, fingers chopped off then forced to eat it, or having my blood drawn from my body just so someone can use it as paint, what about multiple stab wounds that's something too, starving to death, freezing to death or drowning, being hanged. You get the picture. I shouldn't be thinking about it I'm still 14. But yet I do.

why, Is this normal?

I've taken and thought about it a lot. I don't know exactly why everyone wants to start something it's funny to me. But can't they just shut up and leave a poor girl alone, I never truly asked for this. It just happens.

so that's it. I gave up.