First responder, second love

Chapter 14

It's Friday in the afternoon, and I'm walking up to the elevator of a big office building, the building where Doctor Blossom has a practice on the eighth floor. I step onto the elevator, but before it closes a young woman joins me. Her dark, red hair looks familiar. She's wearing some dark blue jeans and a striped sweater. I look at her for a moment, without her noticing it and realize she's the same woman from a few weeks back. She might be the same woman, but she doesn't look the same as then. The woman beside me looks much better than the last time she was on the elevator with me. There are no red eyes, no sweatpants, and she even braided her red hair. She looks good, and I hope that means she feels better than before. We both step out of the elevator on to the eighth floor. We walk into the waiting room and take a seat next to each other.
    "Thanks for last time," the woman next to me says suddenly. I look up to her and I see a friendly smile. "I couldn't stop crying that day." I look at her, but I don't know what to say. I never expected she would remember that moment. It was just a simple gesture, nothing special. I, too, remember days when I couldn't stop crying. Days when I refused to get out of bed or leave my room. I remember those days when all the tissues I used were lying around me, and I didn't care about anything. I just hope she doesn't have days like that anymore, or better, I hope she never had them. Because even though I know I got up again, I have no idea how I did that, and if I could do it again.
    "I hope you're doing better," I say quietly to the woman. She nods her head and one of the offices doors opens.
    "Samantha Kinsley," I hear, and I get up from my chair.

    "How are you feeling this week?" Doctor Blossom asks while she gets her notebook and a pen from the small table next to her. I'm sitting on the big, comfy couch in front of the large window again. I took my shoes off and putt my feet on the couch. I put my hair in a high bun without brushing it, this morning. I'm wearing some black yoga pants and a big hoody. Does that mean I'm not doing okay, because I didn't feel like dressing up? Does it even matter what I'm wearing? We all make our own decisions, on what we want to wear. If I feel like wearing a big hoody, it should be okay. That doesn't mean I'm not feeling well. My eyes aren't red, I'm not crying, and I don't need any tissues. But there is something wrong, and that something has to do with Evan Buckley. "Well, Samantha, how are you feeling?" Veronica asks again.
    "Evan came by the hospital to talk, Yesterday," I tell her.
    "And how did that go?"
    "It didn't, I mean we barely talked."
    "Why is that, Samantha?"
    "Because I didn't want to, I ran out of him."
    "What got you to do that?"
    "He wanted to know why I wasn't talking to him, and well, I gave him an answer. But Didn't give him time to react."
    "Why did you do that, Samantha?"
    "Because it doesn't matter what I feel for him. He's with Ali, they're probably very happy, and I don't want to screw that up for him."
    "Don't you think he deserves to know how you feel about him? He obviously cares about you, Samantha, and you two are good friends. And telling him how you feel, doesn't mean you want to get between him and his girlfriend. If he wants to leave his girlfriend, it's his decision, one you didn't make for him."
    "Well, I still feel bad about it."
    "Because you feel like you're trying to break up a relationship or because he's with her and you love him?"
    "Would that make me a bad person? Would it make me a bad person if I wished I told him sooner?" I ask her without looking at her. I look at one of the paintings on the wall in her office. It's a painting of a field filled with colourfull flowers. The colours red, yellow and orange are mixed with the green of the grass.
    "Do you think you're a bad person, Samantha?" I hear Veronica ask and she pulls me out of my own thoughts. I look at her and feel my body getting uncomfortable. I pull my sleeves over my hands and wrap them around my own body.
    "I can't stop having these feelings, they're even getting stronger. I really tried to put them away, and hide them. But I can't stop thinking about him. He's the first guy I've got these feelings for, after Ben," I tell Veronica honestly.
    "Please don't ever put your feelings away, Samantha. We don't have the power to decide who we want to love; we just have to accept those feelings. That doesn't mean we always need to act on them. Maybe you just need some time, to give it a place, and try to see him as a friend again. But it's a good thing you got these feelings again Samantha, even though it doesn't feel like it right now," Veronica speaks and while the tears are trying to break out again, I do think I understand her. I never thought that I could feel something like this for anybody after I lost Ben, but I do. I opened my heart again, and let love in, which is kind of a good thing, even though it doesn't feel good at this moment.
    "So, I don't need to tell him how I feel about him?" I ask.
    "Only if you want, if it feels right, and it could make things better. It could feel like a relive telling him about your feelings for him," Doctor Blossom tells me, and maybe she's right, in some way.

    "Are you going to the surprise party tonight?" Holly asks while she's putting her new green dress on. I'm sitting on her bed browsing through one of the magazines I found lying in her room.
    "I rather not," I answer without looking up. Evan's friends are throwing him a surprise party for passing his physical exam. Eddie texted me this afternoon the good news Evan passed, which means he can go back to being a firefighter. He is probably over the moon at this moment. After all the hard work and commitment, he finally can go back doing what he loves most. And I'm truly happy for him, he deserves everything he wants in life, everything he loves and more. Because not wanting to go to his party doesn't mean I don't care about him anymore.
    "I think you should go, Sammy," I hear Holly say while she looks at her own reflection in the large mirror next to her closet.
    "Well, I don't think I should," I react and continue browsing through the magazine in front of me. Holly takes a seat next to me on the bed and takes the magazine away from me. "What are you doing?" I ask her, irritated.
    "Go Sammy, go to that party," she says, and she looks at me with a serious face. Holly is a sweetheart, she's a good listener and doesn't like fighting with people she cares about. But she also can be very determined when she knows she's right on something. And at this moment she apparently thinks that she's right, and I'm not. She wants me to go to that party.
    "I don't think I should. His girlfriend is probably there, and I don't want to make him uncomfortable."
    "You're not the only one there, Sammy, and I actually think he would appreciate you being there, celebrating his success."
    "Forget it, I'm not going," and I get up from her bed. "Don't you have a date or something?" I say before I walk out of Holly's room.
A few minutes later, Holly steps out of her room and takes her jacket from the chair at the table. She indeed does have a date with Ethan, they're going out for dinner. They're dating for a few weeks now, and they just make sense. I can't believe it took them this long.
    "You know I'm right, Sammy," I hear her say behind me before she walks out of the apartment and closes the door.