Cold Fame || ENHA

26. Cold

I could see Heeseung's head turn towards me, his eyes admiring me once again. Then he said, "Uhm. Niki just asked for me to play games with him so I got to go."

I nodded, closing my eyes. I felt his weight lift off the couch, his footsteps confirming his leave from my dorm. If the music werent on I'd think I was in a void.

I felt so cold and alone all of a sudden. I got up and put warmer clothes on. It felt like frost was stinging my skin. Why did I feel like this all of a sudden? I let the music continue to play while I climbed into my bed and tried to warm my body in the covers.

Then that one siren song I've been using to help me improve my vocals came on. Nothing felt real again. Now I've realised. My life is so empty without Heeseung here.

Everything felt cold and fake when Heeseung, Jay or Sunoo was no where near me. It made me dizzy. Air suddenly slipped from my lungs. I gasped for air, digging my nails in my arms.

I reached for my phone only to be met with nothing. I left it on the couch. I contemplated getting up to grab it but then the guilt of possibly bothering someone choked me.

I decided against it. I regret that deeply.

December 23rd, 2020

I'm home after all the schedules today. The Weekly Idol show went well and everyone was impressed with my siren skills. But honestly that doesnt matter. After Heeseung had left my dorm to go and play games with Niki, he hasnt talked to me since.

It's so predictable at this point but that doesnt mean it doesnt anger me. I knew I shouldn't have kissed him. Hes a snake just like everyone else! Fucks sake. My anger led me to texting Haena.

I told her how awful staff has been treating me and all the other things. She never answered. I check the message every hour only to see a blank screen. Perhaps I messed up when I chose to not forgive her.

Maybe forgiveness is an option. However, it's an option I'm not ready for. I just cant bring myself to. My empathy is begging me to but my thoughts are rejecting it.

I can never make a decision on my own! Its impossible! I'm dieing in more ways than one but I cant stop. It's so scary and I wish it would stop. The monster is winning.

Little Jeongmi is giving up. Shes nearly at her breaking point. Grown Jeongmi is also almost at her breaking point. One more horrible thing and I dont know what I'd do. I dont want to be alive.

I just simply wish to fall asleep and be led to a dim room with my favorite things to entertain me and Little Jeongmi. Then, I would never wake up. Is that so much to ask for?

I'm so cold and empty. I'm still suffocating and nobody will spare me oxygen.

December 25th, 2020

Its Christmas. Just like my birthday, I've never celebrated Christmas. Mostly everyone has left to go spend time with their families. Jay offered to take me and Niki to his families house but I declined and told him I dont...do Christmas.

I've mostly just been watched the soft snow drift from the sky and into the ground, covering the ground in a beautiful white sheet with soft music in the background.

Though I dont celebrate the holidays, I still felt bad for not getting everyone gifts. It's not like I have money to but still. We didnt get that much from our debut and I've mostly used it to buy groceries and some new clothes.

I contemplated buying and sending Haena something but I ended up not doing it. I felt it would be weird if I did. Speaking of, she still never answered my text though I saw that she read it.

She probably doesnt care. I wouldnt either Haena...I wouldnt either.

Anyway. I decided to just go to the company and practice so that's all I did the entire day until it was night fall.

December 27th, 2020

All of the members have come back now as staff wanted us to prepare for the MMA's. Since we were still a new group we werent going to do so much for a performance like most groups would since they've been around longer.

I was fine with that to be honest. My body gets tired pretty easily and when it does, I get faint. Wish it wouldnt happen but I cant control that. I think it's the diets the company puts me on and my own insecurities.

That's probably why Heeseung makes me eat whenever he can. Chills shot down my spine. My whole body shook and goosebumps crawled onto my skin. I still felt cold. My body was falling further into the void.

The darkness around me suffocated and choked me. I was struggling to expand my lungs and my body began to throb. I hated it. I ended up texting Heeseung, telling him to come over.

It was a whole thirty minutes before he responded saying "Fine.". Did he resent me now after I kissed him? Did something happen to him to where hes acting out on me?

I'm not sure but it was seconds later that he came out his dorm and entered mine. I was sitting on the steps leading to my bed, holding myself and trying not to grow physically sick from my own mind.

Heeseung came trekking over. I lowered my head as he got closer, nervous to look at him in they eyes after what happened. He bent down infront of me, balancing himself on the ball of his feet.

"What's wrong Jeongmi?" He asked, his warm aura washing over me. I could smell his sweet cologne from where I was. Did he really put cologne on just to come over here?

I embraced him, hugging my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. I accidentally knocked him on his bum but he didnt seem to mind.

He snaked his arms around my waist, a small hum rumbling his throat. "Did you miss me?" He asked softly. I unwrapped my arms from him and played with the collar of his jacket.

I didnt answer with a shake of the head or a nod. I can't admit to something like that. "I got you a present." He whispered in my ear. I sat up quickly, my eyes now widened.

He grabbed a small jewelry box from out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Sorry for not giving it to you on Christmas." He apologized. I saw the label on the small box.

Vivienne Westwood. I nearly choked on my own saliva. I shakeingly opened the box, almost tearing up because I knew their jewelry was expensive. Why would Heeseung spend money on me?

I revealed the necklace, a tear slipping from my eye. It was the Balbina pendant. I'm not too much into fashion but I surely love jewelry. "Do you like it?" He asked. I replied with a tight hug, my body wrapping and squeezing him out of joy.

I was practically straddling him but also smothering him. "You're going to suffocate me." Heeseung wheezed. I finally let go of him. I took the necklace out and allowed Heeseung to put it one me.

I'm not sure how many times I've said I hate him but I will never take this necklace off. Never. Then someone knocked on the door. I got off Heeseung and opened the door.

Jay and Sunoo bursted in, holding bags and a few boxes. "We're late to this but Merry Christmas!" Sunoo exclaimed, his smile big. My eyes were teary.

Suddenly that feeling of being cold and empty was gone. I felt warm and comforted. I hope they never leave me.