One Chicago Imagines

"I'm Trying to Get Better"

tw: mental health topics, mentioning of mental illness [depression, anxiety], mentioning of sh, mentioning of an ed [ana], cursing

pairings: hailey upton x fem!reader friend, erin lindsay x fem!reader friend

if you are struggling, please don't be afraid to get help.  i know it seems scary, but it's worth it in the end. remember that you are loved and people care about you. you are here for a reason. message me if you ever need to talk about anything.  ilysm. <3

You're at work, sitting at your desk just working on some case files, when Erin and Hailey get up and motion for you to follow them to the break room. You stand up, looking around in confusion, but follow them anyways.

"Sit," Hailey says, pulling out a chair for you and sitting down to your left. Erin closes the door and the blinds and sits on the other side of you.

"W-What's this about, guys?" you ask, your anxiety building. You have no idea why your two friends brought you here. It could only be something bad.

"Just sit, babe." Erin shakes her head, making eye contact with Hailey. You reluctantly sit down in the chair between them, sitting on your hands so they aren't visibly shaking.

"It's nothing bad, we- we just wanted to check-in. You know, see how you've been doing with everything..." Hailey asks you, leaning forward to tuck your hair behind your ears.
You don't answer. It's been a few seconds, and you're just staring off into the distance.
"Baby?" Erin asks, her eyebrows furrowing in concern.
You inhale sharply and shrug, and look down quickly before lifting up a hand to rub your lip. Erin and Hailey nod at you in encouragement.

"I'm trying, you know? I-I'm trying. I'm trying really hard." You start to break down, and a tear falls from your cheek. Your two friends' faces scrunch. It makes them sad to see you cry. Hailey squeezes your arm, and Erin reaches over and takes one of your hands in hers.

"In a few days, I'll be two months clean from self-harm. I never thought I'd ever be able to do it-" you cry, not being able to continue. You put a hand to your mouth to cover your sobs. Hailey strokes your hair, and Erin squeezes your hand a little tighter.

"We are so incredibly proud of you, baby. We know how hard that must have been, and we're really, really proud of how far you've come," Hailey says, nodding as she looks between you and Erin, who's also nodding her head.

"Even though I'm-" you start, your voice breaking, and Hailey nods at you again, encouraging you to continue.
"Even though I'm... clean, I still don't feel like- like I'm recovered, if that makes sense. It's- it's... um... it's been getting hard again lately, um- my ED voice has been killing me, and- and today I purposefully skipped a meal for the first time in almost a month, and- and I- I don't know how much longer I can go without self-harming again."

Your tears are covering your cheeks now, and your voice and hands are shaking even worse than before.

"I-I'm scared, guys. I'm really scared. I don't want to relapse. I don't want to relapse! I want to keep getting better, but I- I've had to force myself to eat breakfast every single day this week, and then my mom commented on my jeans looking too tight and the scale hit a number I haven't weighed since the summer, and- and I just couldn't keep eating anymore. I- I had to skip a couple meals yesterday. I fucked up, too, since I ate dinner and some frosting out of the fridge with hot cocoa for dessert. Who the fuck eats frosting? If only I had just eaten one meal, I could have weighed le-"

You stop and start shaking your head. Erin and Hailey's faces shift the slightest bit from sadness to confusion as to why you stopped talking in the middle of a sentence. They glance at each other, and then back at you.

"See? You see this shit? My mindset is already back to my ED. I can't do this again. I can't fucking do this again! I know it's the only thing that works -- I mean, I know it's not, but it's the only thing it's convinced me can work -- and I hav- I have to keep going, o- or I'm gonna probably fuck up and self-harm again."

"Y/N, what happens if your ED makes your self-harm urges stronger? Did you think about that?" Hailey asks, taking your other hand now.
"Ye-Yes, of- of course I thought about that, but I don't care. My ED voice doesn't care. You don't get it, it- having an eating disorder is like having another voice in your head, like your voice is either your head or your heart and your ED has taken over the one you aren't in control of at that moment. It's like one side of you is telling you that you're sick and you need help and you need to eat or else you're going to die, and the other side of you is telling you to get sicker and never, ever get help, because help is bad, and it wouldn't matter if you died anyways, because you're fat, and if you are gonna die, you might as well be skinny at your own funeral. Does that make sense?" you ask them, feeling like a complete idiot.
"Yeah, yes, I think that makes sense," Hailey replies after a second of contemplation, and her and Erin nod at each other in understanding.

"I just... I'm trying my best.  I really am," you look down, wiping your tears.
"Hey, my love, look at me," Hailey says softly, lifting up your chin.
"You're doing a great job, okay?  You're doing such an amazing job.  We are both so proud of you and we are here for you," Hailey says, a tear falling down her face.
"Every step of the way," Erin chimes in, moving the hair out of your face and squeezing Hailey's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, guys... I really don't want to make you upset.  I love you both so much."
"We love you, too.  It's alright, it's alright.  Don't apologize.  Everything's gonna be okay," Erin smiles, and Hailey gives you a reassuring nod.

word count: 1082