Phoenix's Lies

Nightmares and Feeling Broken

He held me then. His arms go around me in a protective, anxious hold as if he's afraid I'll vanish. As if I'll disappear at any moment unless he refuses to let go. But no matter how many times I try to tell him that he doesn't need to be afraid he never listens. But he doesn't, he doesn't need to be afraid. No part of me wants to run, to leave. Not now. Not after everything. I'm home. I don't fight it, not anymore. Not like I did before at the start. I can't, not now or ever. So instead I surrendered to it. To let his love surround me like a stormy cloud and rain all over my walls, letting them crumble to the ground. Like when I told him about the past. About it all. I let him in and let myself be happy. Just for once.

But that doesn't mean I can't see what I said once, we are a toxic pair. Drawn to each other since we can be the remedy to each other's pain. Yet apart we're the cause. Selfishness, anger and jealousy have nothing on how hard we hold each other in comparison to the knowledge that if one of us was to let go the other would follow willingly until it was all over. Never wanting to be apart not just for the company of the other but also to avoid being alone. Of feeling trapped by a world that dictated that two, cursed, broken souls found a home together which without they'd crack, wither and die.

"I'm not leaving, no matter how many people say I should, myself included sometimes," I mumble the words into his shoulder and feel how he shakes when he hears the word 'leaving', holding me even closer until I'm not sure I can breathe. But that's ok. That's ok because it means I'm alive. I'm alive and so is he. "I can't leave mi amado. The universe took that choice out of my hands when it reminded me that if I decided for you I was turning into her." My mother. The one person who can still make me feel afraid, even after all this time.

"Please just promise me you'll never go. Not like...." He stops then, his words seeming to disappear. I sigh and close my eyes, feeling tears again, just like last night. Feel how he keeps shaking, the strongest person I've ever met. Scared at the thought that I'd leave and he'd be alone. "Everyone else is gone. Mom, Luna, Zoey. I-I can't lose you too Riv. you're all I've got." I want to correct him then, remind him of his friends, our friends. Of his dad and Libby. Of all the people who still care about him but when his eyes meet mine my argument collapses. It collapses when he fixes me with the look of someone who's lost everything. Everything but that last person that keeps them happy. Alive. "I can't go back to being empty inside, I need you. Even if it's selfish to ask."

I shake my head, leaning to kiss him once and feeling us both melt into it, holding each other as if when we let go we'll never have another chance. "It's no more selfish than the reason I dragged you back into my chaos mi amado. Just like when we were kids neither of us is blameless yet both are trapped. Unable to move on since there's nothing as good or as painful as us. It's why no matter how toxic we still fit. Still, clinging to the remains of something that I think died a little in the last five years." Why I chose to doom you to this even knowing what might come of it.

Eventually, we both just sit there. Wandering and lost. Lost in each other, in our problems. In everything that seems intent on pulling us either apart or to fate, we can't outrun. Not that I have another choice, I knew I was doomed to this years ago when I first made the mistake of running with Ivar for a year. When I became so focused on my family that I sold myself to the devil, long before my mother may or may not have had a part in it. Something that makes my heart feel heavy given what I know I need to do.

"I need to see her. To talk to her." My quiet words snap Nix out of his head when he turns to fix me with a look. "I need to speak to mine and El's mother. I know Ari said to wait and do normal but it's taking too long, even with all of us trying to do our part. Mine is talking to her. Will you come with me?" I don't want to go alone. I'd happily never see her face again but I know I need to. I need to do this for people like El, Lib. Nix. People dragged into this who I can protect by facing my demons and their creator. "Please?"