video log // dreamwastaken (sequel to start over)

Day ∞ | Sanity

Nick and I are given an update on Nameless once she's out of surgery. Apparently she's barely holding on. They still have no idea if she's going to make it. It's the most gut wrenching feeling in the world. It truly made me sick.

But once it's known we're at the hospital we are forced away. Cops escort us home. My mom is at our house waiting with a slough of more cops invading our space. I mean I guess it was a crime scene. It makes since. Plus we were all witnesses. We had to make statements for whatever happened. That I still don't remember.

My mom sees me enter the home and wraps me up in her arms. She holds me while I'm asked a million questions I still don't have the answer to. Apparently, everyone had already been questioned once before. George's equipment was all taken since it was his stream. What an absolute nightmare situation.

"Well if you do remember anything or have anything you feel you need to share feel free to give us a call." The cop stares at me as he speaks but I feel like I'm not registering a word he's saying.

"Will do officer." My mom's soft voice fills my mind and I curl into her for comfort. I want to be left alone. I'm overwhelmed and empty.

***

I wake from a nightmare sweat dripping from every inch of my skin. I feel like I can't breathe. The entire night in question flooded my mind in a dream. I had to watch the girl I love have the life sucked out of her again.

I guess that's what happens when you're told you can no longer get updates because you aren't family. Issue was, Nameless didn't have family. No matter what fight I put up or my parents put up nothing worked. We weren't on her records to know information so we were shut out. For all I know we lost her and I'm trapped waiting for her to come back. Quite a miserable man I am huh?

I sit down at my computer and stare at my reflection on OBS. This helped once. Maybe it could help me now. I doubted it though. I missed everything that she was and I didn't even know if I could get her back this time.

My finger hovers over left click. I sit like that for awhile. Unable to force myself to actually film myself. Ridiculous I know. I was ruining my life over the thought of losing her forever. But do you blame me? It had been weeks without an update.

My mind finally says fuck it and I my finger slams down on the record button. "Fuck me am I right? I'm back doing these again." I shake my head.

"I can't do anything right. I couldn't save you. Of course I couldn't save you because I'm a fucking absolutely waste of a person. I don't even know if you're alive and no one will tell me. What kind of bullshit is that?" I grip my hair tightly in my palms.

"Every part of me just wants to go. I ruined everything because of my career which by the way I've given up. I can't put myself through another Tony situation. The chance of a stalker coming again. Fuck no." I stand up. I can't sit. That's been a major issue as well.

I'm unable to focus on anything. I can't sit still for more than a second. My entire mind starts on fire and I feel like I'm suffocating. Sleep is even hard. But I think my nightmares are enough to know that.

"I'm sorry Aps. I thought doing this would bring you back but I can't. I can't sit here and talk to a stupid camera anymore." I rip the camera out of my computer and throw it across the room.

It lands with a thunk and I don't care to clean up my mess. I don't care to end the recording. I storm out of my room and start walking. I don't know where I'm headed but I need to get out of the house.

It's the only thing I can think to do to get a piece of sanity back. Because I'm pretty sure I lost it all the night Tony came in a fucked up my life.

Honestly, it makes me feel connected to her as well. She did that when she couldn't find her peace. When her parents died, when he grandma died, when we fought. She would run or walk until her legs would go out. It was a way to numb her mind. Numb it until it got a little bit of peace.

Most of the time that peace had her wandering back to me. Even when upset with me she'd find her way back into my arms to fully lose herself. I didn't have that same option. Unfortunately, all I could do was walk or run until I couldn't anymore. And then I had to hope someone would come pick up my pieces.

Hours after disappearing from the house, Nick's car drives past me and pulls to a stop. He rolls down his window to speak to me. It wasn't the same treatment I'd give her. But I guess it would do.

"Come on dude." Nick reaches across the car and pushes the passenger door open for me. I climb inside and curl into him. I needed to be held. It was going to be the only way to get through any of this. Even if I did want to push everyone away.

"I wish there was something I could do to help." Nick sighs and drives us home. I don't say anything in response. I just rest my head on my shoulder while he drives.

This is how things were now. My life lived in practical silence. I shut down worse than I ever have before. If my friends thought that losing Nameless the first time was bad, they were sadly mistaken on how bad things could get. I wasn't living and that was a fact. No matter how much time passed I was stuck wondering if the girl I loved was dead or alive. 

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another day, another sad realization that clays side of the story is just as sad as nameless's </3

i hope that everyone is having an incredible day!

much love, ashley <3