video log // dreamwastaken (sequel to start over)

Day ∞ | Relive

It's been quite some time since I've sat down at my computer and filmed a video log of how I'm feeling. Odd, I know, coming from a man who needed to do it every day just to get through. My life has just been too busy to sit down and breathe, let alone film a video talking about whatever it is I need to say.

Life has been a bit of a mess though. Nameless found out about the video diaries so she's seen quite a bit of them now. She's asked on quite a few occasion to see more than what she already has. Sometimes I give in, others I don't. It's hard to hear what I was feeling as some points. It strikes deep cords. Feelings I don't want to relive. Feelings I don't want her to relive.

Some of the videos upset her. I don't like to see her cry. I don't like watching her watch me cry. The videos bring pain to both of us that sometimes I feel like isn't worth the hassle, even if she does want to see them. I don't know if it's worth the harm anymore. Shocking I know, since I literally filmed them for her.

Life works in mysterious ways and when you grow and change in life, things you've done in your past become irrelevant. I was starting to feel like these video logs of my past were no longer who I was. Nameless and I were growing and changing so much that I didn't want us to revert to our past.

But sometimes we can't help the inevitable. Sometimes the past reveals itself and it's the most painful thing you'll ever experience. And today, today was one of those days. So, I guess it's best to start from the beginning. Start back to the reason I've sat down at a computer to film my first video log in quite sometime.

My friends were in town. My closest group of friends. That included the four of us in the house, Karl and Quackity. Nick had shared they were coming but I didn't pay much mind to his words. He kind of just says random shit none of us really ever believe. This was one of those times I didn't believe his randomness. But I wake up to Karl and Quackity in my home.

But just because my friends are all over, doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to get laid. So I do just that. I have fun with the girl I love because that's what couples do. But my friends, mainly Nick, seem to hate that I'm getting action they wish they were having. It sparks a big fight between the group.

It all starts with a sly comment made by Karl. I know the moment it leaves his mouth a world war three is about to commence. If I've learned anything by doing DSMP lore I know this is about to be an all out war that Nameless will be leading. She's always been one to fight fire with fire. She never holds back.

"You have never done it yourself. You've always got someone." Karl replies to my comments about getting my dick played with. I clearly should have kept my comment to myself because this war would have never started without it.

"Is there something you want to tell me?" Nameless looks at me like she's about to fucking lose it. And honestly, I'm about to lose it. "Or am I just the joke here?" Her eyes read of nothing but heartbreak and anger. I don't know what she's going to bring. I don't know if she's about to burst into tears or start screaming every horrible thing running through her mind. That scares me.

Karl tries to smooth over his joke but it goes right over her head. It's clear angry is her point of action. She wouldn't dare let her friends see her cry. Not right now. Not when she feels backed into a corner and attacked. She's entered full defense mode. Everyone should watch out because this is about to be a battle zone that no one wants to be in.

I expect her to target Karl, being that he's the one that started this whole thing, but instead she targets his closest confidant. She goes right for Nick's jugular, or maybe its mine. "Nick you want to tell Clay your biggest secret? Since we're airing out his. Since we all like to keep secrets here. Clay's fucking girls when I'm away. Nick who did you fuck when you first got here?"

I swallow hard as her words settle in my mind. I wasn't fucking girls like Karl suggested. It wasn't like that at all. It was one girl that I fucked when I saw Nameless with Lake. It was a pity fuck for myself that I regret. Karl was only joking, but I knew from the spite in Nameless's tone that there was no joke. Nick had done something that was going to hurt me. It's the only reason she'd bring it up as ammo.

Nick tries to clear the air without the drama being spilled, but there is no way that Nameless is letting this happen. She doesn't stop until she's satisfied. When she hurts she doesn't stop until someone else hurts as much as she does. it seemed like Nick and I were the targets. I just wasn't sure who was the bigger target. But by her tone, I could only assume it was me.

The more Nick stutters over his words the more things begin to click in my mind. Neither of them need to spill the beans. That was Nameless's entire game. She never wanted to spill the beans. She wanted me to come to the conclusion myself. She wanted me to fucking wallow in my sorrow and pain when she found out that my own best friend fucked her.

I try to hold it together when I finally figure it out. "You fucked her." I motion toward Nameless, but I speak to Nick. "You fucked my girl." I try to hold back my pain because no one knew I loved her then, but that doesn't mean I was succeeding. Out of all people to fuck he chose her, the person he knew was my best friend. And she chose him, knowing he was my best friend. This was the lowest of low either of them could have gone.

I want to kill them both. I'm honestly seeing red, but the deepest parts of my mind are holding me together. I know that blowing up isn't going to solve a thing. Instead I ball my fists over and over again to try to calm my mind. But Nameless pokes the tiger side of me. Her words cut even deeper than the knowledge.

"Clay look at me." Nameless grabs my hands to pull my attention. But I don't want her touching me when I know she's fucked him. "It hurts doesn't it?"

But as she questions me in a soft tone, I fold into her weakness. She fights fire with fire. She would have never shared this secret that was clearly a mistake if she didn't feel attacked. She should have never felt the need to hide this secret to begin with. It meant nothing. It clearly met nothing because if it meant something they would be an item instead, but they weren't.

Nameless only wants answers. So I spill them. I tell her everything about the girl I fucked while she was with Lake. I share my regrets. I share the video log I filmed after my regret. It's the most real moment I can share with her. She might not believe my words now, but I know she will believe them in the moment. The moment she watches the video she knows, I only did it because I was hurting. I truly only ever want her.

We both make mistakes. The best thing we can do is learn and grow from them. People might view the moment from the outside as a step back. But her and I, we only see this as a step forward. One more hidden secret wiped clean from the slate. We were growing together. It was only a matter of time before there was nothing left to hide.

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I really enjoy this chapter. I don't know what it is about it but seeing one of my favorite moments from Clay's side just makes me feel some sort of way.

I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season!

Much love, Ashley